When I’m 4 minutes away from your house, I’m frustrated that I have to wait 4 minutes to see you. I don’t feel whole until the moment I’m with you. But once I am, everything feels different. Time slows down. My brain slows down. Relief and warmth flood over me. I’m not scared of how I feel, and when I look in your eyes I just know. I breathe differently now. I speak differently. I think differently. I believe everything up until now has led me to you. I can’t say all of this out loud. Not yet. But when you read this, you’ll know. I have never felt less alone in my entire life. My favorite moments are spent on your couch, enveloped in each other. Cold nights are welcome now. I want to fill you with food, warmth, and love. If I could sing, then I would sing to you everyday. Your resilience amazes me. I know you’re so much stronger than you think. You make me want to be the best possible version of myself that I didn’t know existed. I want you to know all of this and carry it with you. You should never feel alone, because I promise, you’re not.
As a personal with a serious anxiety disorder, I’ve had many dark moments. Every few months I have a day where I wake up and realize I just can’t do it. I can’t face the world. I feel completely worthless and destroyed, sometimes for no reason at all. In those moments, though, I look back on the moments where I’ve felt my “highest.” They are as follows:
-Driving to the beach with the windows down, listening to cheesy music
-My best friend marrying the love of his life, and crying tears of happiness being a witness to that.
-Falling in love. That first kiss.
-Breaking up with someone who made me feel terrible and the liberation that came along with that.
-Laughing until I actually peed myself a little while singing “Like a Virgin” at Karaoke.
-Cooking a big meal for the people I love.
-What it feels like falling asleep next to someone I care about.
-Being serenaded with Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy
-Sex. Good sex.
-The first snow of the year
-A good glass of red wine
-That feeling I get at the end of a good book
-Seeing my friends play wonderful music and singing along with my arms around people I love
-And finally, the words I have permanently etched into my skin, written by my favorite musician, Ted Leo:
All in all
We cannot stop singing
We cannot start sinking
We swim until it ends