love letter.

When I’m 4 minutes away from your house, I’m frustrated that I have to wait 4 minutes to see you. I don’t feel whole until the moment I’m with you. But once I am, everything feels different. Time slows down. My brain slows down. Relief and warmth flood over me. I’m not scared of how I feel, and when I look in your eyes I just know. I breathe differently now. I speak differently. I think differently. I believe everything up until now has led me to you. I can’t say all of this out loud. Not yet. But when you read this, you’ll know. I have never felt less alone in my entire life. My favorite moments are spent on your couch, enveloped in each other. Cold nights are welcome now. I want to fill you with food, warmth, and love. If I could sing, then I would sing to you everyday. Your resilience amazes me. I know you’re so much stronger than you think. You make me want to be the best possible version of myself that I didn’t know existed. I want you to know all of this and carry it with you. You should never feel alone, because I promise, you’re not.

 

thanksgiving.

Dear Mom and Dad,
 
Thank you. I’m not even sure where to start, so I guess I’ll try to start from the beginning. 
 
Thank you for being wonderful parents. For using cloth diapers (gross). For raising me on healthy, homemade foods. For helping me with my homework. For chaperoning my field trips. For exposing me to nature. For doing family activities and bringing me to parks and museums and music festivals while most of my friends were parked in front of televisions. For exposing me to wonderful music from a young age and always encouraging my love for rock n’ roll. For introducing me to good horror movies. For allowing and encouraging me to read feverishly from 1st grade until now.  
Thank you for putting up with my moods when I was a teenager. For letting me listen to punk rock and paint my nails black. For going to Warped Tour with me. For coming to my volleyball games. For not getting mad when I quit band. For coming to every awards ceremony. For not getting freaked out by my weird friends. For setting boundaries.   
 
Thank you for sending me to college. For supporting me for 4 years as a “communications” major. For letting my friends come home with me on weekends. For writing me all of those letters and sending all of those care packages. For calling me and checking in. For moving me in and out of dorms and then apartments for 7 years.  
 
Thank you for being there when my anxiety was bad. For walking with me for miles while I couldn’t sit still. For driving me to doctors and therapist. For being there during countless panic attacks. For helping me get better.
 
Thank you for understanding when I got a job totally unrelated to my degree. For being proud of me while I was getting cursed at and cleaning human shit off walls. For not being mad that I wanted to live somewhere 100 miles away. For continuing to send letters and packages. For being supportive of relationships you probably knew weren’t right for me. For biting your tongue and letting me figure that out on my own.
 
Thank you for letting me move home. For understanding that I needed to quit my job and just be back with you. For not pressuring me to start working immediately. For letting me move years worth of belongings into your house and garage. For believing in me and knowing I would be back on my feet in no time (I think I’m almost there!). Thank you for letting me slide on the rent. For helping me get out of some big ruts. For understanding how I got into them.
 
Thank you for letting me stay in bed for a week when my heart was broken. For understanding when I didn’t shower and drank too much. For leaving me alone when I needed to be. For letting me call out of work because I just couldn’t do it. For forcing me to come to dinner and have a glass of wine. And for being my rocks, always.
 
Thank you for being completely selfless with your family. For going to the hospital daily when someone you love is sick. For taking in your parents and brother after the hurricane.For taking ridicule from those you love and continuing to love them. For weekly breakfasts and dinners that mean so much to your parents. For taking care of people who aren’t related to you and don’t appreciate you. For teaching me how to give endlessly.
 
Thank you for being cool. For having awesome senses of humor. For being accepting of my recreational activities. For being super rock n roll. For not conforming. For being able to talk to me about books, movies, and music. For cooking with me. For not being into Billy Joel. For knowing my taste in pretty much everything. For not yelling at me about my tattoos.
 
Most importantly, thank you for being so happy and so in love, after 28 years. For making each other laugh until you cry. For grabbing each other’s butts (yuck). For surprising each other with flowers and gifts. For being there for each other through everything. For making me not give up hope and for allowing me to continue believing that some day I will be as in love and as happy as you too are.
 
Thank you.

we swim until it ends.

As a personal with a serious anxiety disorder, I’ve had many dark moments. Every few months I have a day where I wake up and realize I just can’t do it. I can’t face the world. I feel completely worthless and destroyed, sometimes for no reason at all. In those moments, though, I look back on the moments where I’ve felt my “highest.” They are as follows:

-Driving to the beach with the windows down, listening to cheesy music
-My best friend marrying the love of his life, and crying tears of happiness being a witness to that. 
-Falling in love. That first kiss. 
-Breaking up with someone who made me feel terrible and the liberation that came along with that.
-Laughing until I actually peed myself a little while singing “Like a Virgin” at Karaoke. 
-Cooking a big meal for the people I love.
-What it feels like falling asleep next to someone I care about. 
-Being serenaded with Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy
-Sex. Good sex.
-The first snow of the year
-A good glass of red wine
-That feeling I get at the end of a good book
-Seeing my friends play wonderful music and singing along with my arms around people I love
-And finally, the words I have permanently etched into my skin, written by my favorite musician, Ted Leo:

All in all
We cannot stop singing
We cannot start sinking
We swim until it ends