secrets.

1. i molested my cousin and lied about it. if i could take it back i would in a heartbeat. i hate myself for this. i never meant to hurt her.
2. i always wonder if these secrets (and secrets on sites like postsecret) are real secrets or stories that people make up. because the are written in a same particular manner. and because i sometimes feel the urge to make up secrets as well 🙂
3. i molested my cousin and lied about it. if i could take it back i would in a heartbeat. i hate myself for this. i never meant to hurt her.

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all the secrets.

1. I molested my brother
2. I keep thinking of that night in your car when you dared me to kiss you. And how I froze and just stared at you. And how it got extremely uncomfortable and the moment passed. I should have kissed you. I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I was afraid I would have not been able to stop.
3. I used to be a very optimistic person. I always used to see the best in people, and the beauty in everything, even in negative situations. I have since lost that part of me, but bow I’m working very hard to get it back.
4. I cut her out because I couldn’t stand how inferior she made me feel.
5. Eight months ago I realized I’m bisexual. It was the most beautiful discovery I ever made. I still believe in God; who loves me passionately because I’m His. I still have the support of my friends; who love the sweetness of my heart. I still have the affection of my family; who love me because they will never know.
6. We don’t talk that much anymore. You may or may remember me.
7. I have just moved to this huge city (again) to see if I can make it work this time. I am completely afraid that I will have to go home again empty handed.
8. I am a young writer. I want to be successful, and I truly believe that if I work hard enough I will be. I just have to start working hard enough now.
9. I haven’t been in a steady relationship for 4 years, because I can’t get close to anyone after my last relationship. I know when I find the right person, this will change. Where is he?
10.  I’m less lost than I once was, but I’m still young and I don’t know where my life will take me. I hope I will have many adventures and live in many places until I find my true home.
11. I am naive and cynical. I only want the best for everyone I love, but I have just left them all behind. I try not to miss them too much, so that I can live each day and be strong.
12. my saddest thought and greatest fear is that you are meant for me. It is also my everlasting hope.
13. I wish I was as horrible to you as you were to me. I wish I had told you exactly what I thought of you: you’re arrogant and a hypocrite, you’re the one who made fun of and talked bad about your new friends, calling them bimbos, and then you ran to them as soon as you realised you were friendless. I think you’re extremely ugly inside and out, and I had never found you pretty in the first place. But what I hate more than you is that this is making me realise that I am capable of such thoughts, and your actions make them seem justified. I hope I can purge you out of my life.
14. nothing feels quite real until I tell you about it… with you gone I’m just an un-loved-velveteen rabbit.
15. I know I led you on, and I’m sorry. I wanted physical contact, and you were available and interested in me.  I got carried away, but I realized that the experience of having my first boyfriend isn’t worth it if it’s spent with the wrong guy.

our secrets: 1.

all the secrets: each secret will be numbered & if you would like to comment on a specific secret that moves you,  you can address it by it’s number. we’ll do 10 secrets each week, until we run out. if you don’t see yours one week, it will be on the next. every secret will be posted. there are an infinite number of secrets in the world. we hope to never run out. let’s let these secrets empower us. we are not alone:

1.) Everybody expects me to hate my father for what he did to us, but really, I just miss him like crazy.
2.) I am madly in love with the one person in this world who treats me heartlessly, I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to move on.
3.) i equate sex to violence. i want to be torn apart. sex is animalistic. this doesn’t bother me, it empowers me. i was raped outside when i was nineteen.
4.) I don’t know who I hate more. The me on the drugs, or the me off the drugs.
5.) I am terrified that I will never get married… That nobody will ever love me and I will die alone.
6.) My partner, the person who I accidentally fell head over heals in love with, the person who made me believe that I am a beautiful person, the person who allowed me to tell him MY truth without ever judging, the person who never fails to encourage me to be me and do the things that make me happy and whole and true, has asked me to consider opening up our relationship to other partners.  I am terrified.  I am feeling alone and hurt and scared and small.  I want to allow him the freedom to explore what he needs to.  I believe that love is infinite.  I know that a parent can love more than one child, so intellectually I feel like I should know that he could love more than one person at a time as well.  But it hurts and I don’t know what to do.
7.)  I have never orgasmed.
8.)  I want to ruin myself. For many years this was my motivation behind my self-destructive behaviour. I truly believed that I deserved to be killed by my own hand, slowly and painfully. And eventhough I am better now and eventhough I came to realize that I am the most valuable thing I own, somewhere deep down in my chest the self-hatred that once consumed me still seethes. And to fight against it,to not give in, everyday, is the most painful thing I have ever done.
9.) I had a summer romance with a grown-up in my parents circle of acquaintances. I might see him again in a couple of weeks, and I don’t know how to act. It was nice, though. He was a good kisser.
10.) I am afraid. I am afraid that I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I am afraid that I will break down and I am afraid that it will be for nothing. I am afraid I am afraid that it will all be okay, and it doesn’t make any sense.