Rose; Soul mate of mine,
I am writing to you today to remind you of how much I love you, I’m writing to you today because life has been extremely chaotic between the two of us lately, and I don’t want that, I want peace to come back to our relationship, never in my life had I thought that I would ever love someone so deep the way I love you, I appreciate and cherish you in every way I always dreamed about, when you walked into my life, you brought happiness with you, even when problems get in the way, I still love you more than words can describe. You are constantly on my mind, you are with me in every single thing I do, and everywhere I go, you are the companion I never had, Ninique I want us to be the way we were “soul mates,” I missed you terribly, you are my one and only; you healed my past, you are my present, and my future; I have no other plans, I just want peace between the two of us, I don’t want us to waste time anymore, I am here for you, I want to be by your side, I want you to lean on me, Ninique you are my intended spiritual soul mate sent from our Creator in Heaven, the Maker of all nations, I am lucky and blessed to have you, I am forever thankful, I want you to know that our relationship means everything to me, and that I simply could not survive without you by my side, please allow me to continue to love and care for you like I used to, allow me to love you every single day of life, I am here for you Ninique, there is no one else I would rather talk with that only the two of us could ever think or plan, just the two of us Ninique, no one can ever come between the two of us anymore, I repeat no one, Ninique if I were to suddenly leave this world sooner than later, I would be overjoyed that I experienced such a rare and honest form of love, I had to meet you Ninique, to have been loved and cherished by someone wholeheartedly is a once- in-a-lifetime companion, friend and soul mate, I love you so Ninique, our relationship is my most treasured possession, and I will take this love with me everywhere I go, please allow me to be by your side, and be and continue to do what I have been doing from day one; love you, protect you, guide you, participate in everything with you until I officially take over all your worries, that’s all I am asking you Ninique, I love you so much..
I wanted to tell you this when we began dating, but you’re the most amazing person I have ever been around. You have the best smile, attitude, personality, and you’re just the reason I want to go to high school EVERY day. And I am really happy you accepted my past and let us be us. And this is the thing I want to tell you, YOU’RE REALLY ATTRACTIVE IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. And I just want you to know I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE WITH YOU MAYBE NOT REALLY BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE IN YOUR HEART. I LOVE YOU.
Written by Autumn Hayes
I can smell you when you’re not around
and then these other smells creep in
and take me away from you.
Whenever that smell enters my nose
it takes me back to Dawson
and the hug you gave me.
We stood in your room
surrounded by cords
and clothes and shoes.
Do you wear perfume?
I meant cologne.
It’s cologne, for men.
It’s good for your significant other
to have a smell to associate with you.”
But we already have distinctive smells.
You already have a distinctive smell.
Do I have the staying power to corrupt your senses?
“What do I smell like?”
You smell like home,
like the future.
I will always love you, I love you passionately, and this passion has taken control off my heart and mind, you are all that I have Ninique, you are my companion, my friend, someone I look up to every day, I live for you Ninique, I have no other plans but you, please understand, I love you with the kids so much, it’s like I conceived them, they are part of me, Ninique I am just waiting for the divorce to be final, so we can get married right away, so I can devote my entire life to you, I want to be all that I can be for you, Ninique it’s only a couple of months, not even two months right? I want to do is hold your hands on our wedding day and tell the world that I love you desperately, Ninique my love for you was not born yesterday, it grew daily Ninique, I became so attach to you, this is beyond imagination, we shared so much Ninique, you may not understand that I keep falling in love with you over and over, I write to you when you are crossing my thoughts, and hurry to translate those thoughts into words, I believe by now I have a collection of love letters that I write just for you, this is how blessed and divine my love is for you, I love you with my entire being, you lift my spirit Ninique, the greatest thing I’ve ever learn with you is loving someone like I passionately love you while I am so attch to you, Ninique it’s like an interpersonal affection, total devotion and fully committed, I am so attach to you that I feel like I breathe through you, you became my world Ninique, it’s very different for me this time because I can refer this special type of love as an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment, like a virtue representing , compassion, love, romance and affection, I am enrich by you, it’s like a single soul inhabiting two bodies, that’s how close I feel to you, I have never loved like this before, was never attached to my previous relationships, it’s a spiritual attachment worthy of love and admiration, it has a particular trait: it has a purpose to fulfill, to love you even beyond eternity, it is enduring, I believe that the world was created for just the two of us, to me my love for you is the substance of life, everything is connected, I’ve been dreaming of you all this time Ninique, and now that I’ve found you, I’m looking directly at the eyes of love, I love you so much.
Written by Carl Nicolas for Rosenique Senatus
Last night I went out to dinner with my new friend. We went to this Chinese place by my old house; it felt like fall and I had on my denim jumper and my Adidas. We sat in the back booth and we were talking about anything and everything and then we got to the subject of you. Of course it was inevitable, anywhere I go or anyone I ever talk to, it always comes back to you.
We were sitting there bantering and she was saying how much she hates you and how you’re just a cheater, and a prep, and I should cut my hair since you always told me you loved it long and I should forget about the year and a half that made us who we are. I sat there in silence as she reduced you to just a few adjectives, until she ran out of things to accuse you of. Then I started talking.
And I still don’t really know where it all came from.
But I told her everything. One by one the bricks started to tumble down until all of my pallasades where nothing but piles of rubble at my feet. Meeting you for the first time, football games, kissing you at Christmas, seeing you after being in New Jersey for two weeks finally, holding your hand, the little parties at my house we’d have with all our friends, the way you’d spend all night up a prisoner to your insomnia, but you’d fall asleep with me every morning on the way to school, our limbs entangled, listening to your breath become even as the sun would start to rise creating little patterns on your skin that I’d aimlessly trace.
I divulged all the “I love you’s” all the “we shouldn’t do this” all of everything. The flurry of excitement, the butterflies, crying on my bedroom floor, too weak to even make it to the sheets. Too weak to even disguise the puffy eyes I’d be left with the next morning. I got up to the summer, all the things I’d done to you all the hell I put you through. That 3 am phone call when I was alone on the beach, hearing about boys whose names I’d forget but whose taste would linger, hearing me tell you about staying out all night just to wake up on the beach, going to random parties with people I met an hour before. The more I talked I could see her face changing, her expression softening. I’m not sure if she understood but as I raced through the story of you answering my call begging me to get home safe, the explosive fights we’d get into when someone started acting like they didn’t care enough and the awkward silence that would follow when someone would admit that they cared too much, the way you’d hug me from behind and cover my eyes, the things my mom said about how much she loved you. I watched as it all tumbled out in front of me.
Then I got to that Sunday night. I got to “I’m in love with you.” Even though it was wrong, even though you had a girlfriend, even though I wasn’t supposed to care anymore, even though I was strong and brave and independent. The excuses I made, the fronts I put up. How I locked the door and threw away the key. The secrets I kept, not telling you about my parents divorce, or the real reason I didn’t want to see you anymore, and why I was always yelling at you. How I didn’t tell you that in November you were my world and in December you where my galaxy and by January I was just floating in outer space because I was so hopelessly caught up in you that things like oxygen and gravity seemed totally irrelevant.
I told her about that night, when I came clean after we screamed at each other in front of your girlfriend, about how I cried in the stadium bathroom and the next day when my shaky hands typed out those three words, “I love you,” not like a friend, or your best friend that you sometimes kiss, or “your girl,” but as I love you.
Then I had to tell her that you didn’t say it back.
That instead you asked me if I could spend my whole life with you. If I could give it all up, England, traveling the world, my career as a journalist, following random bands on tour. If I could settle down, if I’d have your children, if I could be your future.
Then I had to tell her I said no.
I told her about the bone crushing sadness that ensused. About the seven text messages on my phone that have gone unanswered, about how I’m tripping over my shoelaces trying to race ahead of you and change. How I threw away all of our old polaroids together and your ID tag from freshman year that I’d tease you about, how I can’t even look at any of our old friends, how I’m going to cut my hair. How I started listening to more Led Zeppelin, and shopping at Goodwill, and had to make all new friends, and now I’m a vegetarian again and at this point I was crying because you know I don’t know what point I’m trying to prove, or to who, but I’m really in love with you and I’m trying my absolute hardest to get away from you.
But I can’t.
Cause it’s like crashing your car and then realizing you need to drive somewhere to get help.
You told my old best friend that you wanted to talk to me about getting over me. That you tried to talk to your girlfriend, but she just got frustrated and anyways she didn’t look at you the same. She didn’t listen the same.
I’m not sure what there is to get over though. I know I’ve been cold, I know I’ve been distant. I know that it’s been over two months since we’ve talked cause yeah, I’m counting. I know that lately I’ve been different and I’m still listening to bands you’ve never heard of except I don’t take the time to tell you about them anymore, and I don’t smile as much anymore even though I’m trying, and I avoid riding the bus just so I don’t have to see you, and I flirt with that stoner junior boy in your Algebra 2 class all the time just so he talks about me in front of you.
But I don’t get why that matters to you.
Cause at the end of the day I’m the one that’s in love with you.
See, when I asked you what this meant, what you wanted to do I got silence. I got read at 1:02 am. I got to see you kiss her in the hallway, I got to hear “he’s asking about you again,” I got to hear from all of our friends that I was doing the wrong thing. That I owed you an explanation, that it wasn’t right to ignore you that this was killing you despite the fact that my blood was still all over your hands from the last time you shot me in the chest.
Part of me thinks it’s because you love me too.
Part of me believes them when they say we have what everybody spends their lives searching for. That you care about me more then anybody ever will, that I’m everything to you. That you’re just scared because I make you wonder, that there’s no guarantee with me. That I don’t think things through and I’m impulsive and that scares you. That you’re just scared of the butterflies casue they always felt more like bees. That you like comfortable, you like planned futures and white picket fences. You don’t like Tokyo one year and Manchester the next, you don’t like uncertainty.
But you love me anyways.
You can take my chipped black manicured hands in yours. You can take my panic attacks and crying episodes, you can take my commitment issues and big plans. That despite everything you’re the only person that’s ever really gotten through to me. You can talk me down when it’s 2 am and my finger is inches from the trigger. You can get me to put down the gun.
All of our friends say that no one else can evoke that from you. That I’m the only person that makes you start to second guess yourself, that doesn’t fit perfectly into your color-coded, alphabetically organized world. I was the first person you ever let color outside the lines, leave your bed unmade. The first person you ever let jeopardize this illusion of perfection you upheld so tightly. Maybe it’s because I’m the only person you can fall asleep with.The only one that you can justify stupid decisions, and ambivalence, and tripping down the steps cause you’re too busy trying not to lose sight of me.
But obviously you can’t love me that much. Maybe somewhere between “I love you” and “I’m in love with you” I got caught up and you never did. It’s just hard to hear “I love you” so many times and not start to believe it. You still have a girlfriend even if you tell me you love me each one comes with a silent “but not enough” that I neglected to hear over the course of that year.
But I remember when your friend died and you were crying on the phone to me.
I remember when you found out my parents were getting a divorce and I had kept it a secret for 7 months and you told my best friend nothing had ever hurt you worse.
I remember you meeting my family.
I remember all of our friends racing down my old street, the music you’d listen to, the way your smile would change throughout the day-soft and slow in the morning and like lightning in the afternoon.
I remember it all.
And I can’t tell if that’s good or bad. A reason to move on or a reason to hold on.
And I lay this out to her alongside her ramen noodles and sushi and she doesn’t know what to do with it because I don’t either.
She asks me if I talk in poetry and then she starts second guessing it. She starts talking about soul mates, and maybe I really do love you, and maybe we really are meant to be, and maybe I shouldn’t be ignoring you. And the next thing I know she’s calling you from some unknown number while I try to convince her that you don’t want to hear from me and I’m begging her to put the phone down because I couldn’t take the thought of you answering and I couldn’t handle the thought of you not caring enough to pick up.
But the call fails.
I know that it’s the bad reception in the restaurant. I know that it’s because we’re the very last booth in the whole place and that you can’t even send a text message let alone make a life altering call. But I’m the same girl that believes in astrology and has healing crystals on her windowsill. I still believe that it’s the universe’s way of telling me it’s unsure too. That it’s just as ambivalent as I am. That I’ll never know if you would have picked up on the first ring or declined on the third, if we would have been perfect for each other, or spent the next two years tearing each others lives apart.
My phone buzzes again, it’s a text from you asking if I called. Too lazy to try me back. It was then I realized that there was nothing to decide. That I’d be always be waiting for a phone call when I’d only ever get a text message. All I’d ever gotten was a few quick characters rife with abbreviations and spelling mistakes. That you hated the sound of your voice on the phone and you didn’t care about me enough to go through the discomfort of hearing it. That you’d put in some effort, but you’d never give me your all.
It was when I paid the check that I noticed for the first time in two months my hands didn’t shake. That night I went home and cut my hair and the long strands that you once adored wound up in my trash can. For the first time maybe since we met I did something with no intention of eliciting any response from you. Yes it’s uneven, yes I did it with safety scissors, yes some pieces in the back are longer than those in the front. It’s not perfect but at least you don’t see me the same.
I Went to bed with my heart mellowed, a smile on my lips and you on my mind and I ended up dreaming about you also so I awake with even a much bigger smile on my face this morning :-):-)
You are truly,”MY LIFE!” And theres absolutely nothing in this world that could ever make me hurt you or stop loving you.
Last night I was so fascinated by our conversation… You just kept me laughing, smiling, giggling, blushing with the things you were saying.
I felt such closeness to you and I was so happy, still is 🙂
Thanks alot for all the wonderful compliments you gave me,you sure battered me with flattery 🙂 You melted me and my heart over and over again till all I could feel for you is adoration and love.
I am seriously lost in love with you and there’s no better place for me to be than physically with you and around you.
I am happy you are beginning to see me for who I am and the depths of my love for you (there’s so much more about me for you to see)
Last night when you said you can’t believe I’ve grown into the mature and smart young lady I am, I had to smile 🙂
In your absence I’ve become that and so much more.
I am who I am today because of you and the love I have for you.
I am a very passionate woman with whom and what I love.
I hold nothing back and have no reservations….
You said you don’t know about the my loving you forever and always part, well my dear as you live you will be a witness to that and I want you to love me always too and never stop even when you can’t be with me physically and I’ll play my cards right to ensure that you do…. 🙂
I want to make it impossible for you not to love me and want me in your life no matter the purpose I serve.
I want to make my mark permanent on you so no matter where life takes you, you’ll find it hard leaving me behind and in the event that you should you won’t be contented for long, you’ll want to come back and you’ll find your way back to me 🙂 🙂 Sorry but you already know that I’m 100% woman, and I will do everything to ensure my place in your life and yours in mine:-) 🙂
Even if you should end up with someone else in life I will make you miss me and you find it hard to be happy with them. I’m sure you can be happy but you will never truly be 100% happy and contented because you will feel my absence. I will love you as no man on this earth can. I’ll be so sweet to you and on you you’ll crave to be around me and miss me 🙂 🙂
You just don’t understand, these are things I take pleasure in(loving you and showing you that I do)
That’s the way I feel about you. Why do you think I wouldn’t even as much as to look at anyone else…. because I know my life would be empty and meaningless without you, there would be a void that no one else could fill and I’d spend all the days of my existence longing for you and as such I want no one taking up any more space in my life.
There is just no place in my life or heart for anyone else.
You’ve already filled those spaces and it’s always reserved for you and you alone.
You have made your mark on me and my heart 17 years ago and to you I belong forever and always.
I will love you to my last breath as it is the desire of my heart to do so 🙂
When I think of the way in which I love you, and that you do want me to continue loving you, never giving up on you,it sends shock waves through my torso area 🙂
It is truly pleasurable loving you. I get so much fulfillment out of loving you it would seriously be hard for you to understand 🙂 🙂
I am turned on by mere thoughts of loving you so why would I want to stop loving you 🙂
It’s because of things like these why I can tell you that I know I will love you forever and always.
My love for you have a way of indulging in it’s own pleasures of you and as such it takes me from one level to the next. It knows no bounds with no limitations. So there you have It 🙂
You are everything to me and always will be.
Remember always that I’M LOVING YOU COMPLETELY FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
“YOU’RE MY LIFE”
It started with a mistake in planning, human error, twist of fate. It was my first time in this new country, and the pick-up taxi never came.
I contacted work, letting them know no one showed up, but it was ok. I can take a taxi by myself.
“No, it’s 2 a.m. someone from the company will pick you up shortly, don’t worry”.
I took my luggage and sat down in the only available coffee shop, fighting sleep. I got a phone call, and then I heard your voice. Something about it made me instantaneously relax. Perhaps I heard home in your accent, or maybe it was the raspy sound of your sleepy voice.
“I’m sorry I woke you up didn’t I?” I asked, and you laughed.
“I’m coming, I’ll be there in five.”
And then I saw you. I looked up at you as you stood there, your big brown eyes smiling from behind your glasses, the ones I love (not the frame-less ones – please never wear them again).
You smiled, and I dismissed the bubbly feelings in my stomach, blaming it on hunger.
We shook hands, introduced ourselves, and you took my luggage – ever the gentleman – while asking me about my flight. You were chatty, wondering about my interest in this company, my college degree, my story.
“I’m asking way too much yea? Sorry”.
I smiled and said “ask again tomorrow, no worries”.
I looked back into the trunk of your car, and I saw tents, camping equipment, things I adore. And just as we started talking about our love for nature, our thirst to explore, I saw it. The ring on your right hand, and I swallowed.
The question died in my throat; it was ok, I can ask you tomorrow. You safely dropped me at the hotel, wishing me a goodnight, saying you would see me the next day.
Ten days of music, conversation, shared looks and contemplations. It was all harmless right?
You told me about your past, how some girl had broken your heart, how you decided to think rather than feel, how you met your fiancé, and what has brought you here.
You asked about mine, and as I talked you looked deep into my eyes, and I knew you understood. But you were engaged, and I wasn’t that person; you weren’t either.
Then there were slips. Too much alcohol; you held my hand.
Too much time spent together words were said.
“I wish I had met you at a different time” you whispered. I had never wanted anything more.
Six months later, six months of little conversation and bitterness and distance, you got married. I saw your pictures on social media, and I choked. You looked happy. I wanted to believe you were. I loved you, more than I had ever loved anyone.
Fate played its cards again; we met in that same country, your now wife still back home.
This didn’t stop being a love letter when you got married. This stopped being a love letter when you changed. And not in the normal, “I got married” way. I understand you are confused, I understand that “I was the first one who made you feel again”, but I don’t understand how you take me for granted. How you assume I have put my life on hold for something that will never happen.
You will never leave her – it wouldn’t be a rational decision, and you, you rational man (who has shown day in day out you were anything but), would never do that.
Twenty one days. Twenty one days of anger, bitterness, fights and sorrow. We kissed. We cried. We cuddled. We made mistakes. But then you look at me with your chocolate eyes and that smile you save for me, and I almost forget; that you never were mine and never will be. These twenty one days were enough to scar me; enough to help me start getting over you.
We used to be different, we used to be perfect. But this is not another time, and I’m done wasting mine.
This is not a love letter. This is a letter about the love I felt for you, the one I still feel.
Until we meet again,
I saw you that day just looking at me. I know you wanted to say something, but you seemed to shy. I was wrong you walked right over and said hey I noticed you looking at me, and I said only cause you were looking at me. Well, I guess we were both looking at each other. It’s funny how things work out in life. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I guess he thought I gave him the wrong number, because he called me right there and then. The start of a new friendship or the start of something a bit more above the lines as friends. He fell for me and I guess I started falling too.
You changed my life for the better. In fact, if it wasn’t for you, I probably wouldn’t even be alive. Before we met, this girl I know has been my best friend for ten years. Then suddenly, she betrayed me and accused me of bullying her. For the past few years before the accusation, I was always in the middle of drama. The people in my clique would always fight, and would pressure me to take sides. When my ex best friend left me, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to end my miserable excuse for a life.
But then I met you.
When I first saw you, I remember my heart feeling a sense of relief. Like I’ve been lifting a weight my entire life, and I was finally able to drop it. Like my heart was saying, “Oh, there you are, I’ve been looking for you.” Before we met, I’d always take more than 30 minutes to get out of bed and start the day. That was because I had no motivation. But when I met you, you motivated me. I loved going to bed early, with a smile. And waking up early, ready to start another day with you. I remember our adventure, and the people we met along the way. I’m just so sorry I had to leave. And I didn’t even say goodbye.
I don’t even know if I said “I love you”
I do love you, and I think about you everyday. It’s just so HARD living in this cruel world without you. Haters are everywhere. Murders and terrible rumours. On some days, when I miss you sooo much, I search through my contact list for people I can talk to about this. And everytime, I reach the bottom of the list. I sometimes cry myself to sleep, and when I actually do sleep, it past 1:00am. It’s hard to sleep without knowing for sure wether or not you’re okay. I’m not blaming you for anything, I blame myself for leaving, without giving any closure, or even a “I swear to you, we’ll meet again. I know because I love you”
Every song on the radio reminds me of you. Everything I do I think about doing it with you. I save you the right earbud when listening to music because when I listen to music, I feel like you’re on my left side, because my heart is closer to the left. Literally.
I miss you so much. It hurts when I think about living the rest of this lifetime without you. It hurts being… unsure. But when I’m depressed, I get a good cry out, wipe away my tears, and smile. Because I know you wouldn’t want to see me so sad. I tied a string around my promise finger to remind me of the promise I made to you. The promise to never leave you. I’m so, so sorry I broke our promise… but I’ll come back. The string is blue by the way, the colour of you.
You might not read this letter, but somehow, if it ever reaches you, just know that I love you SO MUCH and I will never ever forget you. I’ll find a way back home, and I’ll give you a big tight hug. When I find you, I’ll stay with you. And trust me, I WILL find you. Because, after all, I love you, and true love never fails.
By the way, I’ll try not to get married until I meet you again. Because honestly, you’re the one I want to marry.
The moment I knew I was falling for you was back in March when we started talking. I remember you standing against the lockers waiting for me to leave English. I saw you and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world knowing that you where waiting for me. You made up some excuse for not having your phone which was met by my eye rolls because of course I was skeptic of you, I was insecure of myself and of our status as you where a year older and undeniably cool. I remeber it was raining as we walked out the doors under the covered awnings you apologized for being so distant. I didn’t know what to say and I just walked off without a goodbye into the pouring rain, running to my bus parked all the way across the parking lot. But then I heard your voice shouting my name from the other side of the parking lot. There you were standing in the middle of the pouring rain in the midst of all those people with your pockets pulled out revealing that they where totally empty. “Promise ya” you shrugged your hair now flat against your forehead, clothes drenched I couldn’t help but give you my best optimistic grin and you returned letting the smile break across your face like the dawn breaking against the inky night. Since you’ve been gone though, it feels like I’m just standing there in the rain, but this time you just won’t turn around. Like you can’t see how patiently I’m waiting for you to realize that I’ve been here, and I always will be here because I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else except waiting for you. Counting down the seconds until I get to see your brown eyes like flairs out against the dark night beckoning me home.
The thing about it is I know we aren’t supposed to work. I know that I’m supposed to let you melt into oblivion and dispute into a foggy memory, but I can’t do that. I physically can’t just let you go like I’ve been told. You’re so alive. You’re so ridiculously alive, and you embrace your mortality like no one I’ve ever met though you build your walls up so high. You’re this modern day muse I’ve stumbled upon, and without you my poetry is bland and devoid of meaning. I know that we shouldn’t be together though, I know that your obsession with drugs and your defiance of any and all rules and lack of concern aren’t good or healthy. That you’re fixation with destruction always leads us to the same conclusion. I’ve gotten you stuck in my teeth and trapped in my head. The thought of you getting high in your room all alone makes my chest feel tight, and thinking about you kissing a different girl goodnight makes me want to jump from the top of my roof just to land in your arms. Everyone tells me to just leave you alone but I can’t, trust me I wish I could. Most days it feels like I’m drowning, but when you come around, oh god when you come around the suns shining and everything is clear and bright and restored. When you come around I want to take you dancing and make you realize that you are everything.
We both know it gets harder, and we grow older, and I never really see you when you’re sober. Everything just leads me back to you though. I have to believe that this is love because why else would I do it? Why else would I jump every time the phone rings because I’m scared it’s one of your friends telling me you aren’t okay? Why would I stay up all night waiting for you to tell me you’re home safe? Why would I repeatedly let myself get heartbroken, stood up, and let down? Crying in the B-hall bathroom in between classes, and in the parking lot before school. I’ve made some bad choices because of you, sometimes I can still see that grey Honda and his black leather seats, feel his hand sliding up my thigh to “get back at you.” I still can hear his voice telling me if I don’t smoke you won’t love me. I still remember the initial phone call that you where cheating on me and did I know that you’d been doing pills again? Did I know that you broke your wrist in a fight and you that you’d smashed your phone when you where high?
It’s not that I’m trying to fix you perhaps, it’s just that I don’t want to see you get hurt which sounds tacky and cliche, but you’ve got to believe me. You’re worth so much more then red eyes, and confusion, and phone calls you don’t remember making. You’re worth more then a few hundred dollars and bad decisions to get a buzz. It’s still surreal to me that you exists, that someone as perfect as you came into being, and is breathing the same air as me, and struggling with the same things that I am. I remember telling you about my parents splitting up and my mom cheating on my dad to have you tell me about your dad running away and your moms depression. How you didn’t understand how he could just leave you two, how you remember his green suitcase and instructions not to ring. I still remember you telling me how you’d make things up to me- but you still never have and I’m staring to think you never will.
I remember one night being out late with my mom, driving back with her from her boyfriends house when no one was out and her telling me that you need to be 100% sure when you take a risk that it has the possibility to be worth it. I know that it’s worth it for you. Skipping class and walking the track, taking your picture in the backset, the prospect of kissing those angel lips, the way your voice sounds on the phone, dancing with you to “medicine,” standing with you out on the balcony, wearing your green jacket. There’s not a single fiber of my being, not a single beat of my heart that conflicts with the thought that you are worth it, all of it. You’re worth crying over to “7,” that day of in school suspension, you’re worth the band aids on my legs from falling off a skate board because I was trying to impress you. You’re worth getting bailed on, you’re worth the worry. I don’t care if I’m the only girl from high school that’s still in love with you as long as I’m the last. I don’t care how many friends I lose, how many plans I get left out of. I don’t care what I’ve got to lose.
Cause someday somewhere in the future in this life time it will be perfect. I’ll have you cuddled up against me as the sun rises out our apartment window and the sky starts turning all different shades of pink and orange, bathing us in light and the prospect of a new day. I’ll have your nicotine lips, I’ll have you in art galleries and in concerts, and in coffee shops, and in quiet moments dancing aorund the kitchen. Trust me I know it’s been 28 days but I’d spend 28 years waiting for you and this future that we’re going to create. Some day somewhere out there we’re happy, we’re together. We made at work, and we’re far away from this town and I’ve stopped doing all those things my friends beg me not to do because all along it was only ever for you.
Until you came and swept me away,
I taught myself not to fall in love again.
The unexplained feelings that cannot deny.
Feelings getting stronger that even genie cannot hide.
It’s like a knife strike into my chest,
Leaving a sadness that I cannot resist.
What am I supposed to do,
When all I want is to be with you.
-Eden Victoria Paladias
I was just sitting here thinking about how much I love you. I love you so much that if I tried to really write how much I love you, I would be constantly writing for the rest of my life.
You bring out so much in me that I’m just beginning to see. It’s like when we are together, the rest of the world disappears, and nothing else matters but us. I hope I feel this way forever. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you with everything I have to give. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve someone as loving as you are. Do you know how long I have waited to have someone like you in my life?
It wasn’t luck that brought us together. You are a blessing to me and I wouldn’t trade the way I feel about you for anything in this world. You are the reason why I smile. You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up every morning, and you are the last thing I think about every night before I close my eyes, but our time together doesn’t end there because you are the only thing I dream about. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you if you will allow me to. Nothing is too much to give you. I feel that if you’re not happy, then the world needs to stop until you are!
Baby, I just want to thank you for loving me like you do, and I am forever in your debt, just for you being good to me. You know, it is strange how I had to go through so many bad situations before you came into my life. I guess it really is true when they say good things come to those who wait because I’ve waited for someone like you all my life, and you really are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I just want you to know that I love you so much, and I want to be with you till death do us part! I love you, Baby Girl!
I Will Keep Waiting For You
I sometimes wonder what you’re doing, or whether you are thinking of me, like I’m thinking of you. I have been thinking of you for 20 years, since the day I was born, really.
You have been elusive to me in so many ways but, because none of my objects of infatuation turned out to be you, I feel as if life sometimes may have fooled me, yet I know you are out there. I mean, how could I have seen your face and still overlooked you? Or how could I have heard your voice utter words and not have found anyone that sounded like you? Are you in the stars every time I look up? Of course you are. You are the clouds in the skies, the songs the bird sing every morning. You are everywhere, really. I know you are real. I just constantly wonder why I have not found you yet.
Why haven’t I been able to say all that I want, show you all that I am, and give you all I have now? Why is time making us wait so long? We don’t know, because this is a factor beyond our control. I will always love you, Darling, and when we finally find each other, it will be God’s greatest reward.
So, wherever you are, know that I love you and you will be the one that lurked passionately in my dreams. Know that I am always longing for you and your presence. Know that you will always be everything to me. Even though I have not yet met you yet, I love you, my spirit lover.
Words mean nothing. They are hollow. Everywhere I am constantly reminded of memories. Everywhere I look- trees, school, children, look that’s my mom – and all the memories of her, dad and all the experiences I’ve had with him. Have you ever ‘thought’ what your life is without memories, without labels, without experiences of the past, without past judgement and prejudice and feelings. Do you know what love is? What is love? What is it? In my experiences of the past I’m trapped, in the labels I cannot see clearly at the thing that I’m actually looking at. All the memories distort and contort it. My life becomes smothered by the memories of the past. And in realising this, this fact, I become a little more free. I am starting to see the real facts. How my perception is always wrong, just how conditioned(?) I am. When you go in to this, a lot of painful memories come back to you, even all the memories that have hurt you since your childhood start to come in. The accumulation of knowledge and memories is so great that I don’t see the things clearly. That fact is very obvious to me now. I see it. It’s like I’m blind. We all live this don’t we? But why? It’s such a pattern in our life- a habit, but it’s so so limited. It keeps us in constraints, I feel trapped in its monotony, its limited meaning which holds no meaning for me, because I’m not free. I’m not free of experiences and knowledge – they stifle me and life. I want freedom from this. I feel trapped, hidden, something inside me is dormant and intensely alive – like life inside me. It’s beautiful. It’s what keeps “me” alive too. I am life. “My” life which is the same life in everything else -intense but still and patient.
I don’t know what or why I wrote, it doesn’t have any significance for anyone who doesn’t understand any way. And I don’t know if anyone really does understand any of this. Again words are hollow and meaningless. Only thing of value is yourself. I go through life day in and day out in a pattern of thinking and feeling- all of which are my experiences and past always and in them I find ‘you’. You’re like an accumulation of all the knowledge I have about you so far. I think that’s horrible. That’s not you, or anyone. I know for fact that words will never really grasp you. (I know you hate talking and reading so much and rather just get on with your life and do what you like, but maybe one day if you ever really look, for yourself, you might find your own answers) I don’t hope for you, I don’t wish anything, the fact is I don’t know you at all, and what I mean by that is this- I see and look at you and see one thing- that thing that everyone sees as you- it’s quite natural- you’re either busy doing some work or something. Then I look closer, and maybe it’s your face or something almost superficial like that that keeps my eyes lingering around your face- I look closer. My thoughts interpret what I see. I label you with words and associate feelings towards ‘you’ and to me that’s you in my mind. I know full well that’s not really you. Because you are made of many other things that you identify as yourself and you have desires for your future, some image of who you are, and what you want, your past and all that. And even then, that’s not you because you are not the labels you put on yourself. It’s a bit like pulling back layers to get to ‘you’. So, I hope you get why I don’t know you. You will keep transforming and changing your labels and peel back layers here and there. But it’s like the main essence (life- is that what you would call it?) remains there. If there’s one thing I can say ‘I love’ or ‘is love’ is that- that life. And that’s you, and that’s me and that’s really everything. It’s intense but quiet and very patient. Maybe I’ll write more, but I don’t know when. I’m tired of thinking and writing right for now.
I know this makes little sense, buts that’s okay, I don’t expect nor want anyone to understand what I’m saying. I know some parts of this are true, maybe it’s just that I can’t express my thoughts clearly. Perhaps you need to go into this yourself and not be lead by what I have to say- maybe then you will make some sense of this.
April 23, 2016
Dear Jacob M.
I’m afraid to admit that it’s still there, the feeling I had for you. And it never went away, it’s always there hiding to come out afraid to ruin a friendship. I’m afraid, I’m also afraid to hurt myself because there’s no day that I’m hurt, there’s no day that I keep thinking if anyone really cares about me, there’s no day that I feel sad or alone, there’s no day that I want to scream or cry. There’s no day that I stop thinking about you, wishing to be with you, hearing your beautiful voice, seeing your gorgeous smile, there’s no day that I stop loving you.
There, I finally spilled it out but who the heck am I to you right? I’m just someone you know, someone you met at least three years now, a schoolmate and a friend. I know and it’s clear that I stand no chance to be in a higher position in your life, not higher than a known friend. What the heck? Even how much I tell myself things, even how much I push myself to hate you to dislike you, even how million things I think bad of you, curse you, kill you in my head every second of the day, the very last second, still tells me that I love you. See I’m crazy, maybe I need to consult a neuro, right? Because maybe I’m just hallucinating or I already have a tumor.
There’s so many things that I want to tell you, ask you. But I’m clueless now. And I know you’re also clueless of all of this because that’s you. I want to tell you how much I want to hug you, how badly I want to talk with you, listen to your voice, to sit beside you and how badly I want to see you every day. And I want to ask how’s your day? I want to greet you good morning, good night. I want to have lunch and dinner with you. I want to know you more. And I want to ask if I stand a chance to be not just a friend, not just a classmate, not just someone you know, but someone who will be there for you in your good or bad days, I want to be that someone who will freely and proudly cheer for you when you have games, someone who will listen to your problems, someone who’ll share your success and even failure, someone who’ll be a part of you. But who am I kidding??? It will be a very, big, huge, gigantic miracle to happen. It’s just me, having my hopes up for someone impossible, something will never happen in this lifetime.
But even how impossible things can be, I’m just here for you. Maybe you’re not aware or you even don’t know I exist in that kind of matter. But I’m happy for you, I’ll be happy for what makes you happy. I’ll just be proudly cheering you in the corner, I’ll just be giving you good luck and happy thoughts in a distance, and I’ll just be here behind you, always.
And I’ll just love you from a distance
You always complain that I can’t make up my mind. It’s true, but it still drives me crazy. All I know, is that when you ask me what I want, one thing stays in the back of my mind. It’ll never happen, but it’s there. All I want is your hands in my hair, my back against the wall, and no cares in the world but us. All I want is you.
I painfully love you. I know we will never ever be together, but I sincerely wish you knew how gradually my love for you is killing me and making me die slowly day after day.
We used to be able to talk and joke together. We used to look at each other without any soupçon of malaise when discussing our work. You would advise me on how to carry out my duties and I always felt comfortable asking you any questions when I was unsure. You would always have something nice to say.
Every second you were in my presence were the most beautiful. Without you knowing, I would discreetly make love to you and still without you knowing, I would close my eyes for a brief moment and feel you as close to me as possible.
Without you knowing, I fell for you. I fell for the most delicious heart. Without you knowing, I fell and the pain has now become so unbearable because one day it all stopped and this is when it all changed.
You started avoiding my gaze when we occasionally met and you gradually stopped talking with me. Me, I started longing, wanting and missing you so much that thinking of you now only brings me sadness, tears and a broken heart.
I will never know what your lips taste of, how beautiful your scent is, how warm your body feels against mine and how tight and long you could hold me against your chest.
All I know is that I am loving you alone and I have never felt so lonely. I just wish you knew.
This isn’t the first letter that I’m writing to you and I know it is not the last. I can’t stop writing to you, because that is who I am- boy desperately in love with you, so full of words and poems for you. My emotions are too big, I can’t tame them in myself, I need to at least put them on the paper. You remember who I was when we first met? Just a reckless boy which shameless broke too many hearts. And you were so pure. I remember you were making me smile. But I don’t remember which moment was when I start wishing you were mine. I didn’t want to posses you. I wanted to you belong to me volunteering and endlessly. And I wanted to I belong to you. I fall in love, I don’t know when, maybe some early morning at 4AM while I didn’t want to sleep because talking to you was just prettier than any dream. You made me shiver without even touching me, with just couple of sweet words. And in middle of madness, loving you is what bringing me peace.
In the nights when I don’t have you, I still don’t regret. I would do all again, in a heart beat. The way you made me feel is worth of every hurt. I’m just hopping that I made you feel at least half same.
Your beauty could start a war, and I’d be the first one fighting. I remember the first time I met you and your blue eyes and bad knee. It felt like up until I met you I’d been stumbling. I wanted to study the geography of your skin, I wanted your love to wash over me like the weather. I don’t think theres a word for how I feel towards you. I would be yours if you asked. Theres no one on this earth I’d rather be with at two in the morning or two in the afternoon. Theres no one I’d rather stay up all night dancing with, no one I’d rather wake up next to. I would spend all my time with you if I could. You’re the sound a dress makes when it twirls, you’re late night drives, you’re coffee in the morning, you’re anything that anyone could ever aspire to be. Maybe it’s something in you lips that I’ve never kissed, maybe it’s something in your touch that I’ve never felt, maybe it’s the way you say “I love you” that I’ve never heard. Whatever it is, I pray you never lose it. At the end of the day I hope you know I love you even if I could never say it. I hope that you’re back in your hotel room after a day spent chasing your dreams, I hope your listening to all your favorite songs and I hope you’re not lonely. I hope you remember I love you forever and always where ever you go. I hope you know I would swim over oceans for you.
Ours isn’t an orthodox ‘love’. I can’t say that from the moment I met you I knew you’d be my heart’s content. I can barely recall the events of that fateful evening other than the liquid courage that got me to put my lips on yours.
But you… Your smile is literal sunshine to my soul. Seeing those bright, white teeth always makes my worst day better. I try so hard to fight it but your voice, sexy and sultry, makes my heart beat race and my knees weak. Being in your presence, simply looking at your entire being is enough for me.
I hate how you’re always trying to act tough; it’s okay not to be okay sometimes, to be fragile. You pull me in the most when you’re genuine and you bare your raw emotions. I don’t want you to be ashamed of who you are.
When I’m not daydreaming, I’m night-thinking of what we could be, although I’m constantly interrupted by obstacles that my paranoia foresees. Or your riddles and roundabouts when it comes to showing affection. If you have any feelings for me then tell me honestly.
“It’s dangerous to need someone that much. You’re trying to save him and he’s hoping you can. You two are a disaster.” Occasionally I feel like any future for us is destined to fail; but if you’re ready and willing I would fully devote myself to you.
Just say the words and I am yours.
To read more of her work, you can visit her blog Turquoise Lily Pad.