You always complain that I can’t make up my mind. It’s true, but it still drives me crazy. All I know, is that when you ask me what I want, one thing stays in the back of my mind. It’ll never happen, but it’s there. All I want is your hands in my hair, my back against the wall, and no cares in the world but us. All I want is you.
Mark the page of the dictionary, darling, so that I’ll never forget the word to describe you
You will always be my definition of love
Whenever someone asks me
What love feels like,
I will smile.
It feels like you. Your hand,
Around my waist. Just above the
Curve of my hip.
Like you were putting the
Pieces of me
Together and turning every
Dream I’d ever had into
A vision of
A spectrum of light and you were
I painfully love you. I know we will never ever be together, but I sincerely wish you knew how gradually my love for you is killing me and making me die slowly day after day.
We used to be able to talk and joke together. We used to look at each other without any soupçon of malaise when discussing our work. You would advise me on how to carry out my duties and I always felt comfortable asking you any questions when I was unsure. You would always have something nice to say.
Every second you were in my presence were the most beautiful. Without you knowing, I would discreetly make love to you and still without you knowing, I would close my eyes for a brief moment and feel you as close to me as possible.
Without you knowing, I fell for you. I fell for the most delicious heart. Without you knowing, I fell and the pain has now become so unbearable because one day it all stopped and this is when it all changed.
You started avoiding my gaze when we occasionally met and you gradually stopped talking with me. Me, I started longing, wanting and missing you so much that thinking of you now only brings me sadness, tears and a broken heart.
I will never know what your lips taste of, how beautiful your scent is, how warm your body feels against mine and how tight and long you could hold me against your chest.
All I know is that I am loving you alone and I have never felt so lonely. I just wish you knew.
Anxiety has been a part of my life since before I had the language for it. Over the years it will wax & wane— sometimes for good reason but oftentimes (and more frustratingly) out of nowhere. In July I got really sick, or at least I felt really sick, but no trip to the ER or urgent care returned any results. In August, I had panic attacks more frequently than I’d had in years & I started to worry about the snow & how I would handle the winter blues if I couldn’t handle the summer. I got so frustrated with myself— “my life is better than ever, why can’t I just be a human?” & I forced myself to conquer fears (hi, I have stage fright but I’m gonna act in front of a bunch of strangers for the first time ever at 28) just to prove to myself that I could. The only thing that ever really helps my anxiety is yoga (mind) & eating clean (body) so I decided to commit myself to both for 30 days using the #whole30challenge (no sugar, carbs, booze, etc). To most people this was stupid (I get it) & I don’t know if these things really “cleanse” anything physical, but for me— it’s a mental reset, a challenge to conquer just so I know I can. I don’t believe any diet or lifestyle is right for every person, & I don’t believe in shoving your choices (even your good ones) down other people’s throats (sorry, crossfit friends) but I think if you can find something that fixes your shit you should make it a priority.
No you can’t hit snooze.
Grab your phone.
Facebook says everyone is fine. Get up.
Where are your slippers?
Where are your fucking slippers!?
More people shot today; more hate and fear on tv.
Choke ’em back, go get dressed.
Look at you. You haven’t looked yet.
You don’t wanna look.
The scale fucking LIES.
The news fucking LIES.
Fuck these damn pants!
You guess you like this skirt instead.
OH SHIT! You lost track of time.
Better hang your head and make the late call.
You’ve been fucking up a lot recently.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING. I am human. I am worthy. I am always learning. I am always enough.
This isn’t the first letter that I’m writing to you and I know it is not the last. I can’t stop writing to you, because that is who I am- boy desperately in love with you, so full of words and poems for you. My emotions are too big, I can’t tame them in myself, I need to at least put them on the paper. You remember who I was when we first met? Just a reckless boy which shameless broke too many hearts. And you were so pure. I remember you were making me smile. But I don’t remember which moment was when I start wishing you were mine. I didn’t want to posses you. I wanted to you belong to me volunteering and endlessly. And I wanted to I belong to you. I fall in love, I don’t know when, maybe some early morning at 4AM while I didn’t want to sleep because talking to you was just prettier than any dream. You made me shiver without even touching me, with just couple of sweet words. And in middle of madness, loving you is what bringing me peace.
In the nights when I don’t have you, I still don’t regret. I would do all again, in a heart beat. The way you made me feel is worth of every hurt. I’m just hopping that I made you feel at least half same.
You left me. You left my love because your parents told you they’d shun you from their love if you didn’t. As if being gay is still taboo.
I’m a parent’s dream for their kid: good job, good pay, paid off my car, I don’t do drugs, I’m living on my own, I cook, clean, and repair things, I’m 23 and paid my way through a foreign country, I speak multiple languages, have a degree, great with kids and all I want is their daughter to be happy and safe. That’s my priority. Why wouldn’t you want your kid with someone like that?
I remember when we met, it was like one of those movie scenes. Time stops with you, and it feels like we are the only two people in the world. I have never loved anyone more in my life. I know it hurts you as much as it hurts me to stop this. The world accepts us and sees our love is pure. Just not your world. I wish your parents loved you enough to love who you loved.
I’m not sure how to let you go. It feels like having to decide between losing my arm or my leg. I will always want you to be part of my life. You told me to find someone who is like you but willing to fight for me. My heart has never hurt more to hear that. I know i will be ok. I’m just not ready to let you go yet.