Love Letter

Until you came and swept me away,
I taught myself not to fall in love again.

The unexplained feelings that cannot deny.
Feelings getting stronger that even genie cannot hide.

It’s like a knife strike into my chest,
Leaving a sadness that I cannot resist.
What am I supposed to do,
When all I want is to be with you.

-Eden Victoria Paladias

Love Letter

I was just sitting here thinking about how much I love you. I love you so much that if I tried to really write how much I love you, I would be constantly writing for the rest of my life.

You bring out so much in me that I’m just beginning to see. It’s like when we are together, the rest of the world disappears, and nothing else matters but us. I hope I feel this way forever. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you with everything I have to give. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve someone as loving as you are. Do you know how long I have waited to have someone like you in my life?

It wasn’t luck that brought us together. You are a blessing to me and I wouldn’t trade the way I feel about you for anything in this world. You are the reason why I smile. You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up every morning, and you are the last thing I think about every night before I close my eyes, but our time together doesn’t end there because you are the only thing I dream about. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you if you will allow me to. Nothing is too much to give you. I feel that if you’re not happy, then the world needs to stop until you are!

Baby, I just want to thank you for loving me like you do, and I am forever in your debt, just for you being good to me. You know, it is strange how I had to go through so many bad situations before you came into my life. I guess it really is true when they say good things come to those who wait because I’ve waited for someone like you all my life, and you really are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I just want you to know that I love you so much, and I want to be with you till death do us part! I love you, Baby Girl!

I Will Keep Waiting For You

I sometimes wonder what you’re doing, or whether you are thinking of me, like I’m thinking of you. I have been thinking of you for 20 years, since the day I was born, really.

You have been elusive to me in so many ways but, because none of my objects of infatuation turned out to be you, I feel as if life sometimes may have fooled me, yet I know you are out there. I mean, how could I have seen your face and still overlooked you? Or how could I have heard your voice utter words and not have found anyone that sounded like you? Are you in the stars every time I look up? Of course you are. You are the clouds in the skies, the songs the bird sing every morning. You are everywhere, really. I know you are real. I just constantly wonder why I have not found you yet.

Why haven’t I been able to say all that I want, show you all that I am, and give you all I have now? Why is time making us wait so long? We don’t know, because this is a factor beyond our control. I will always love you, Darling, and when we finally find each other, it will be God’s greatest reward.

So, wherever you are, know that I love you and you will be the one that lurked passionately in my dreams. Know that I am always longing for you and your presence. Know that you will always be everything to me. Even though I have not yet met you yet, I love you, my spirit lover.


You ask if I’m getting out if bed today, with attitude, as if I am the laziest person alive. Yes, I am getting out of bed today & I want a fucking parade because it will take every ounce of me to step out of that bed & to put my feet on the floor. It will take every ounce of me to fake my existence with perfectly timed smiles & pretending to sneeze when I feel water burning behind my eyeballs. It will take every ounce of me to keep up with conversations while working so hard to detangle the black thoughts that haunt my mind. I deserve a fucking parade.


Tell me, do the androids seriously dream of electrical sheep? If not, then why do I dream so? You do not hear me. Every part of me has conjured up everything that can to tell you I’m sorry. I’m not crafty enough? The exhaustion has made me question my life. So I go forth with the equipment I have. As do you. I am no shining armor. Who has time to clean? I just wished you fought the fire with me, douche bag.

Within the void.

Love Letter

Words mean nothing. They are hollow. Everywhere I am constantly reminded of memories. Everywhere I look- trees, school, children, look that’s my mom – and all the memories of her, dad and all the experiences I’ve had with him. Have you ever ‘thought’ what your life is without memories, without labels, without experiences of the past, without past judgement and prejudice and feelings. Do you know what love is? What is love? What is it? In my experiences of the past I’m trapped, in the labels I cannot see clearly at the thing that I’m actually looking at. All the memories distort and contort it. My life becomes smothered by the memories of the past. And in realising this, this fact, I become a little more free. I am starting to see the real facts. How my perception is always wrong, just how conditioned(?) I am. When you go in to this, a lot of painful memories come back to you, even all the memories that have hurt you since your childhood start to come in. The accumulation of knowledge and memories is so great that I don’t see the things clearly. That fact is very obvious to me now. I see it. It’s like I’m blind. We all live this don’t we? But why? It’s such a pattern in our life- a habit, but it’s so so limited. It keeps us in constraints, I feel trapped in its monotony, its limited meaning which holds no meaning for me, because I’m not free. I’m not free of experiences and knowledge – they stifle me and life. I want freedom from this. I feel trapped, hidden, something inside me is dormant and intensely alive – like life inside me. It’s beautiful. It’s what keeps “me” alive too. I am life. “My” life which is the same life in everything else -intense but still and patient.

I don’t know what or why I wrote, it doesn’t have any significance for anyone who doesn’t understand any way. And I don’t know if anyone really does understand any of this. Again words are hollow and meaningless. Only thing of value is yourself. I go through life day in and day out in a pattern of thinking and feeling- all of which are my experiences and past always and in them I find ‘you’. You’re like an accumulation of all the knowledge I have about you so far. I think that’s horrible. That’s not you, or anyone. I know for fact that words will never really grasp you. (I know you hate talking and reading so much and rather just get on with your life and do what you like, but maybe one day if you ever really look, for yourself, you might find your own answers) I don’t hope for you, I don’t wish anything, the fact is I don’t know you at all, and what I mean by that is this- I see and look at you and see one thing- that thing that everyone sees as you- it’s quite natural- you’re either busy doing some work or something. Then I look closer, and maybe it’s your face or something almost superficial like that that keeps my eyes lingering around your face- I look closer. My thoughts interpret what I see. I label you with words and associate feelings towards ‘you’ and to me that’s you in my mind. I know full well that’s not really you. Because you are made of many other things that you identify as yourself and you have desires for your future, some image of who you are, and what you want, your past and all that. And even then, that’s not you because you are not the labels you put on yourself. It’s a bit like pulling back layers to get to ‘you’. So, I hope you get why I don’t know you. You will keep transforming and changing your labels and peel back layers here and there. But it’s like the main essence (life- is that what you would call it?) remains there. If there’s one thing I can say ‘I love’ or ‘is love’ is that- that life. And that’s you, and that’s me and that’s really everything. It’s intense but quiet and very patient. Maybe I’ll write more, but I don’t know when. I’m tired of thinking and writing right for now.

I know this makes little sense, buts that’s okay, I don’t expect nor want anyone to understand what I’m saying. I know some parts of this are true, maybe it’s just that I can’t express my thoughts clearly. Perhaps you need to go into this yourself and not be lead by what I have to say- maybe then you will make some sense of this.

My Love Letter

April 23, 2016

Dear Jacob M.

I’m afraid to admit that it’s still there, the feeling I had for you. And it never went away, it’s always there hiding to come out afraid to ruin a friendship. I’m afraid, I’m also afraid to hurt myself because there’s no day that I’m hurt, there’s no day that I keep thinking if anyone really cares about me, there’s no day that I feel sad or alone, there’s no day that I want to scream or cry. There’s no day that I stop thinking about you, wishing to be with you, hearing your beautiful voice, seeing your gorgeous smile, there’s no day that I stop loving you.

There, I finally spilled it out but who the heck am I to you right? I’m just someone you know, someone you met at least three years now, a schoolmate and a friend. I know and it’s clear that I stand no chance to be in a higher position in your life, not higher than a known friend. What the heck? Even how much I tell myself things, even how much I push myself to hate you to dislike you, even how million things I think bad of you, curse you, kill you in my head every second of the day, the very last second, still tells me that I love you. See I’m crazy, maybe I need to consult a neuro, right? Because maybe I’m just hallucinating or I already have a tumor.

There’s so many things that I want to tell you, ask you. But I’m clueless now. And I know you’re also clueless of all of this because that’s you. I want to tell you how much I want to hug you, how badly I want to talk with you, listen to your voice, to sit beside you and how badly I want to see you every day. And I want to ask how’s your day? I want to greet you good morning, good night. I want to have lunch and dinner with you. I want to know you more. And I want to ask if I stand a chance to be not just a friend, not just a classmate, not just someone you know, but someone who will be there for you in your good or bad days, I want to be that someone who will freely and proudly cheer for you when you have games, someone who will listen to your problems, someone who’ll share your success and even failure, someone who’ll be a part of you. But who am I kidding??? It will be a very, big, huge, gigantic miracle to happen. It’s just me, having my hopes up for someone impossible, something will never happen in this lifetime.

But even how impossible things can be, I’m just here for you. Maybe you’re not aware or you even don’t know I exist in that kind of matter. But I’m happy for you, I’ll be happy for what makes you happy. I’ll just be proudly cheering you in the corner, I’ll just be giving you good luck and happy thoughts in a distance, and I’ll just be here behind you, always.

And I’ll just love you from a distance


A Love Letter

You always complain that I can’t make up my mind. It’s true, but it still drives me crazy. All I know, is that when you ask me what I want, one thing stays in the back of my mind. It’ll never happen, but it’s there. All I want is your hands in my hair, my back against the wall, and no cares in the world but us. All I want is you.