This is a collection of over love letters we wish we could write & receive. If you could ever find the courage to send a love letter, please send us a copy to post. Even if you desire to remain anonymous, we want to add your love to our collection. Please email your love letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The first time I met you my stomach was lifted into my throat by one million butterflies & I nearly lost my shit. You caught me joking about what I would do to you if I got you alone & you laughed. I caught you watching me & laughed as well. That smile, I want to suck the enamel off your teeth some late night as we watch the city come alive. I want to watch the sunrise from balconies with you after a night spent discussing politics. I want to get under your skin. I want to listen & absorb your idea’s/ideals. I want to study the geography of your body. I want to start a revolution with you. I want to write secret notes on your back as you sleep next to me. But what I really want is to tell you that regardless of everything, I love you. Even if you never love me back… I love you. I hope that when you’re lying in bed after a night spent in some distant state or country, watching terrible TV that you don’t feel alone. I love you.
The first time I met you your nervous laugh made me nervous. You made me feel as though there was nothing I could say that could articulate the waves in my stomach. I was taken back by your smile & the words you spoke. You’re beautiful & it radiates from inside you. I love you & I hope I get the chance to tell you.
Right now, you are working on your stage movement sonnet and all I wanna do is be right there with you, encouraging you and letting you know what really is inside my heart. Right now, I am inside this laundry room, listening to your frustrated voice. While I don’t per se love you in a total romantic way, I care deeply about you and I do have romantic feelings. You have become one of my best friends, and this is why you don’t even know yet.
I wish that you felt the same way too. But until that day comes, I will suffer willingly and whole-heartedly. Just for you.
I sometimes write poems, and when I read them later, I realize they were about you. I sometimes look at the sky, and when I feel happy seeing a flock of geese or a bright red cardinal, I think of the elation and power and happiness you bring to me. I sometimes do the craziest shit, but I always wish you were there to see. I sometimes lie down in the river behind school in the spring, and while my blood cools under the pulsating light through the trees, in a place where wind has more force and penetration, I allow your being to enter my mind, and I let it seep out into the river. It travels through the water and towards the banks, and it is now embedded in trees and grass and flowers.
You will always interest me, and therefore I will always love you. I will watch you button your shirt slowly and carefully, and that will be enough. I will see you smile when I tell a joke or say something stupid and that will be enough. I will hear you groan over some sort of unfortunate circumstance and hearing the sound of you while being invited to share in your passing annoyance, and that will be more than enough. You are everything interesting and exciting in the world. You make experiencing anything worthwhile and enjoyable. As long as you’re around, everything is right, and nothing bothers me.
I forget everything when you come into my mind.
The night after we first spoke, I went outside and wished on the brightest star that all my happiness could be given to you so that you could feel better. I know you think wishing on stars is cliche and naive. But that’s me. In fact, I am so naive that I like to imagine that you still think about me now, three years later. I like to think that you sometimes wonder about me, sometimes wish you could tell me secrets and tell me jokes like you used to.
But even if you don’t, even if I was nothing but a blip on the grand radar of your beautiful life, that’s okay. You taught me more about myself than any other person, and in return I can only hope that you know how much I will always love you. I wish, still, after all this time, that you’re the happiest person on the planet. I wish for you love, joy and hope. Not because you gave me those things. But because you taught me how to find them in myself. I will never forget you.
I am writing to you to let you know, I have loved you for a very long time.
I want to move in with you. Because I feel sad when I’m not with you. I can’t sleep soundly when I’m not with you. I woke up the other morning and my shoulders were aching because you weren’t there to hold them straight with your arms around me. I don’t think you want me to live with you though. You don’t think we’ll have sex as often as we do, you think I’ll get bored of you, you think I’ll want you to entertain me all the time. But I wont. I want to be in the room next door to you and tap Morse code against our wall when I can’t sleep. I want to slip long lover letters under your door. I want to make you coffee in the morning. I want to give you your mail and I want you to come to the shops with me every day to buy groceries. It’s not that I’m scared of being alone, or scared of being out of love. I’m just scared of not being with you, however that may be.
One night I dreamt about you. Shyly you looked me in the eyes and asked, “How do you know?” Taking one long breath I began to explain that things are just different with you. I have never in my entire life had these feelings before. It is a feeling of being scared and excited, with a bit of pleasure mixed in. Some dreams do come true, though, as you must know. For me, this dream I speak of is true. When I see you my body trembles with joy and my heart beats wildly in my chest. I’m always surprised to find out that no one around me can hear my heart beating so loudly. Not wanting to say the wrong words to you, I sometimes just sit back and observe you. Like the way your eyes literally shine, how your nose adorably moves when you say certain words, or how kind and loving you are to those you care for. You make me want to be a better person: to do what is best for myself. But in all honesty, you are what is best for me. When I am around you, my true self comes out and it makes me feel great to know that I am able to be the real me when you are around. On August 8th I started to write about you. Sure, I wrote poems of love. But embarrassingly enough, I mainly wrote down special little things you would say and facts about yourself that you would reveal to me. I do this because you are someone that is so extremely special to me that I never want to forget these things about you. That’s how much you mean to me. There is so much I could write down of how much I feel for you. But I am afraid that I do not have the time, the paper, nor the writing ink to do so because there is so much! Maybe you do not even need me to write it all down. You have a way of knowing what I feel anyways. But know this– you are the hope and the future I have always dreamt of and need. I want you to stay with me forever. To laugh, cry, create, love and live with me for the rest of my life. For the first time in my life I can say that I truly know myself and I know that I love you, James. I will always love you, forever.
Every time I see you walking in a crowd of people, I don’t see anyone else but you – even if what you’re wearing that day is a very ugly shirt. Even if I pass by and pretend to be too stoned to notice you, I really am very happy to see you. My friends say that you’re really no good for me at all, but there’s something about you that makes me all strange and giddy inside. I lie in the grass at midnight and think about how you made a complete humiliation of yourself in front of everyone last year. Or, I think about all those times that you were a complete idiot, and the fact that even when you try your hardest, you let me down sometimes. I think about all these things and smile. You are a human, and I love the fact that you make me feel infinite.
Without thinking, I just put up a black cover over my window to make my room completely dark and when I realized what I was doing, I broke down crying. It’s been so hard for me to cry. It’s been this torturous anxiety overwhelming me, eating me alive. My heartbeat sits in my throat but I can’t seem to cry. I can’t sleep. I want to sleep so badly. I want to sleep all day, to forget I exist. Each day I push it away, I try to forget, but slowly it fills my head. To have to hear it from her first that you didn’t love me anymore, even as a friend. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this to me. I was darkening my room so I could take my medicine and fall asleep. It’s not even noon and I’m looking for a way out. The crying wasn’t even so much crying as an overwhelming lack of oxygen. I panicked and I couldn’t breathe and nothing is real. Nothing is real and you’re gone. I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t know what to do and I’ve never been more scared in my life. Everyone thinks I’m ok, I’ll be ok, but for once I don’t think I will. How could you? How could you? I can’t breathe anymore. You’re all gone. None of you ever loved me, or I wouldn’t be looking for a way out. Why doesn’t anybody ever see the warning signs? I’m so tired. I fucking loved you. God, I loved you so much.
If this ain’t love than I don’t know. The feelings I have it so hard to explain… I have never felt this way before. Is this love or just some kind of touch? But whatever this is, I know there is a meaning to it. On the day that u introduce the meaning of love to me I knew it was truly unconditional. I might not fully know how to described it but I know what I’m feeling. If my mind can’t be right than my heart must be. I use to say love is a crazy thing but it has taken control off my heart and mind. I fear that if having my love mean u have gain the ability to hurt me more than anyone ever will or has than I will take the chances cause loving you mean so much to me. Nothing to lose but a lesson to learn…
My love letter stopped being a love letter the night that I fell in love with another man, who loves me more and better than you ever could, but you still deserve to know that when I said I loved you, I meant it. I loved your dark eyes and your long fingers and your snowy hair. I loved the way the roads were silent all around us when we walked together in the middle of the night when it snowed. I loved the way your eyes sparked beneath the streetlamps in the wintertime. I know you are confused, and lonely, and you don’t know quite what you want in life, and it’s why you ran away from me, and probably why you left the woman you left me for. I hope that someday you can find the kind of happiness I have found with my new love – the warm, sun-filled joy of holding hands and butterfly kisses. I loved you, and even though I don’t anymore, I hope that someday you find someone else who wants you to be as happy as I did. I hope that next time, you let them give you everything. I would be a coward and a liar if I said that I didn’t love you. Love is a frightening thing; it entails laying your heart on a cutting board, handing someone a knife, yet trusting that they won’t use it. Giving my love to you means giving you the power to hurt me more than anyone can or has ever had the ability to. It is then expected – no, required – that if you accept this love of mine, you understand these things. You must summon the courage to assume the responsibility of the precious gift you now hold. But somehow it seems incorrect to call my love a gift – you have earned every loving thought, every kind word, every caring gesture. ‘Giving’ love to you implies that you don’t deserve it, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Love is the most valuable thing I have in this world and I wouldn’t just give it away.
This love I have for you – it’s hard to describe, yet easy to feel. It’s difficult to convey save for the actions of every day life. I don’t know how to tell you that I love you without making you uncomfortable or scaring you away. I suppose saying it isn’t really necessary, since giving the condition a name doesn’t change its qualities…however, I can’t help but feel there’s something to say about the inability to say it at all. I understand that receiving love, and loving someone in return, is terrifying. You’re not the sort to make yourself vulnerable and neither am I. Love makes you weak in a way, I guess you could say…but more importantly, it makes you strong. This is just one of the reasons that I love love, and love loving you in particular.
You seem to want a definition…yet I don’t have one. I will never have one. Love, at least to me, includes so many things that I don’t even know where or how to begin. Yet if you can’t just trust that you love someone – that you think of them more fondly than others in a peculiar way; admire them for the things that make them who they are and respect them for these very same attributes – then maybe you will never be able to love. Love is and will always be a leap of faith. Just like in life, there is no sure thing in love. You just have to trust. There is no answer – you just know. Yet there’s no way to ‘know’, especially if you pick it apart. Eventually love will be destroyed by all the prodding, analyzing and dissection.
If there is any way to ‘know’ love – any sort of way to describe or define it – this is highly subjective. Love, at least to me, is selfless yet completely selfish. I love you for who you are and would do most anything for you if you needed me to. This selfless love is something quite gradual that grows as I get to know you better and catch glimpses of your innate, immutable qualities – your kindness, your integrity, your character. While human beings are continuously mutating creatures, I do believe that there are things in us that are tested by life and time, yet do not change. This is the foundation of a human being, maybe it’s the soul, I don’t know – but these are the very things that I see in you every day. I can’t help but love this man who exhibits many of the qualities that I admire, and also hope to possess. Selfless love leads to selfish love. I also love you for my own sake – for how you improve my life by driving me to be kinder and more understanding; changing the way I see myself and the world; making me question and even strengthen my beliefs and values. Yet it’s also just as simple as the fact that you make me feel wonderful and help me enjoy life just a little more than I would without you.
I want to know what you think about love. I admit, I don’t understand why you shy away from love the way you do. I can’t help but think that the more one stresses over ‘knowing’ what love is, the more likely he will be to let it slip by. There is no way to ‘know’ other than by the standards you, and you alone, create for yourself. As I’ve already said, it’s a scary thing, but it is so worth the risk. And if you think of love, and if you think of possibly loving me – I hope you realize that there isn’t much risk involved. If you haven’t already then I haven’t been doing a very good job of being your girlfriend this year and your friend of nearly a decade more.
I am sorry for bringing up something that obviously makes you uncomfortable, but I hope you can understand the position that I am in. I am nearly 23 years old, about to graduate from college, and am completely in love with a man that I am not sure loves me in return, or even wants my love at all. Please don’t be mistaken – this is not an ultimatum, and my feelings for you won’t go away. I just want you to think about love. And possibly loving me. Or at least raising the issue of why you don’t love me, or why you are wary of love.
I truly believe that life is too short to let fly by without telling the important people in your life how you feel. That, in effect, is why I wrote this letter. I just hope that one day I have the courage to give it to you.
I remember the first day I met you. The sparkle in your eyes was equivalent to a million stars. You waved at me during football games. Sometimes I’d catch you looking at me in that way… When I see you do that, I feel like gravity has just lifted me to an extreme high and I’m floating in space. I still have doubts that you like me, it hurts so badly, I know that you can ease the pain. Sometimes I feel like I could kill all of those fat ass butterflies…its just like I’m filled with anger at the thought of me liking you and you not liking me back. Yeah, it sounds so middle school, but it’s real life and every time I feel sad or angry or something. You read me like a book and I feel like I can talk to you about anything… And then I remember the first day I met you. That was the day you invited me to sit net to you. We shared secrets. We shared body heat. Even if you don’t like me, I’ll always remember how your eyes sparkle like a million stars. I love you.
The worst and best part about having broken up with you is that I still love you. I still absolutely adore you.
It is wonderful because there is nothing as beautiful as being in love. Even though you are literally on the opposite coast, even though we only speak every few weeks, even though our Facebook statuses have read “single” for the past five months, nothing has waned my love. You, you will always be beautiful to me. Maybe someday I will fall out of love with you. Maybe this love will turn to a one that hungers only for friendship. Maybe someday I will meet your spirit again, this time without the whole college-moving-away deal. Maybe this time we can be near each other. Maybe this time, so many things that didn’t will fall into place.
It is terrible because everything I know you are tired, hurting, or just plain grumpy, I want to be the one who soothes your pain. And when you’re happy, I want to share in your happiness. And I know that we are supposed to move on, but I can’t. Because I Love You.
I hope that one day, we will be able to be as close as we were before you left. I hope that, at the very least, we can be best friends again.
I miss you. Love, me.
I love you. There, I said it. I’ve said it to you twice before. And I want to say it to you every single time I talk to you. You told me once, when we were fighting at REI. I was so taken aback and you were too. I haven’t seen you in almost three months. Oh, how I cried myself to sleep for weeks when you first left. But I will see you in two weeks and I’m scared. I’m scared because everything in the world tells me that I shouldn’t love you. Friends, family, circumstance, my gut. But I love you. More than I ever thought possible. I didn’t know men like you really existed out there. You’ve changed my life. But I understand that just because I love with you all that I am, doesn’t mean that we should be together again once you return. Our lives are so different right now and will continue to be on different paths indefinitely. So when I see you, I’m going to recklessly love you and forget about everything. For a moment, the world is going to be you and me. No one else. I will push my hurt, distrust and insecurities aside for a brief moment in time. And just lovelovelove you.
Dear you, I’ve been searching for words these past few days but when I open my mouth all that comes out are animal noises. Cries of sadness, anger, everything. I don’t know how to be sad & right now I’m not strong enough to pretend. I remember the first time I saw you. Walking down Main Street with your long hair & your white tee shirt. You looked so tough. You made my heart pump pump pump. You never stopped making my heart pump pump pump. Nine long years. You had a way about you that I’ve never seen. You had power, passion, coursing through your veins. I could see it in your eyes, read it in your words, hear it in your voice. You were the type of person no one could forget, even if they wanted. You were the type of person who could smile & everything would be okay. You made the world a better place. Everything that has flashed in my mind these long few days doesn’t translate into words. It’s just imagines, memories, songs. Everything reminds me of you. Honestly, knowing you had a big part in shaping the person I am today. I think a lot of people can say that. It all happened so soon. So abruptly. It’s as if your heart was too much for your little body to hold. It’s almost as if you were too much for this world. I miss you. I don’t want to say goodbye & I almost feel like I won’t have to. You’ve left part of yourself in everything you’ve ever done, so we won’t ever really have to say goodbye. I love you. Forever & always.
I still write to you everyday in my head. I imagine that letter just dropped in the mailbox is from you – I can see your handwriting. I still lie awake at night and remember my fingers on your stubbly face in the dark.
You gave me a reason. You filled be up with a passion so much that it overflowed my eye sockets and shone in pools on the floor. I knew you were something, but I still don’t know what. But I know that you changed me, I will never be the same because I love you now. I will always love you. I think that makes me a traitor and a liar and a cheat, but I still love you anyway.
You are my hero and my role model. I don’t think you’ve ever understood the only person I’ve ever wanted to be like is you.
You are my everything. I never believed in love at first sight and I still don’t, but ours is probably as close as it can get. It all happened so fast, we happened so fast… But we lasted, and we will last for a long time if it depends on me. I love you. I always have and I always will. If I could put my feelings into one word, I wouldn’t be able to do it, because what we have is greater than that. If at times it seems like I don’t care about you or about your feelings, I’m sorry. I do care. Every time you are down and troubled and mad or whatever, I feel the same way, but worse because I can’t help you. I try but it’s just too hard on me sometimes. But always and no matter what, count on me, darling, because I’ll be here and I know you know it too. Someday I will marry you and we’ll be happy, but right now we are just too young. I’ll be yours forever. ♥
Hey you, my Arabic confidant:
Do you remember the first time we met? I was drunk and entered your apartment with six beers in my backpack and an unlit cigarette in my mouth. I introduced myself and asked if I could smoke inside. You laughed, said yes, handed me a lighter. You were wearing a Japanese kimono and the current student president of the school. I knew then that I wanted to know you for the rest of my life. Then in September you told me I was” the loveliest lady at NEC.” this time you were drunk and smoking in my living room. I was not wearing a kimono. You kissed me on the cheek. You talked me through the rejection when your roommate used me for sex and told me I was unattractive. You took me to the doctor and held my hand while I waited to see if the cancer was back. You cried with me when it wasn’t. We had that conversation in your kitchen one night, when you said that you loved me, and that you wanted to love me for a long time, but you could not express that in bed because you are leaving in six months and I am not. You said that in this sense I am not your type. Unfortunately you are my type, and I cannot tell you about my rejection– this time you are the rejecter. This time the cancer is back and I cried on your bed all night last night, you held me for a minute and then watched YouTube videos: “extreme tooth brushing” and “funny faces and sounds I can make, volume three”. You woke me up and walked me home, told me I was going to be okay. The truth is I’m not going to be okay. One day, eight months or a year from now I will be ashes scattered in the wind, because a burial plot is for the living. I will love you for the rest of my short, fast, scary life. It is now full of uncertainty, but the one thing I can count on is my love for you. Limited time is better than not trying at all. I told you I am in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are that other shoe. I am going to love you until the day this cancer takes me over and my mind is no longer mine. I want you to love more. Love, love, love your Viking queen.
To the man I haven’t met yet: Tell me you’ll hold me tight and never let me go… I will be yours forever.
I find it remarkable your zeal for learning, against all odds. I love it when you laugh at my absent-mindedness. Our time together is spent fondly, never a waste of my time. With every new thing I learn about you I feel a sharp, sudden intake of breath with the realization that I am falling. I know right now you can’t say anything back but I yearn to pass my fingertips gently over the hair on your forearms as we embrace. We are more than I thought a connection I could be involved in could be – being around you at once crushes my self-esteem and awakens my heart.
And I wish every moment would stop so you and I can at least have our chance.
All these years, I have never stopped thinking about you. You are always in the back of my mind. Even if you didn’t feel the same, I know that I loved you. I know that I love you, still. You know how everyone always says that your first love never fades? It’s true. I will always wish to be with you, no matter what happens. I can’t erase my memories of you, even if I wanted. It makes me sad thinking about you but happy also. I love you. I’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time…I love you I love you I love you. Why did I give up?
There are no words that can really express what I feel about you. The first time I met you I didn’t even have one second to wonder. I saw you, and your eyes, the eyes that made me fall faster and harder then I ever have in my life, took me in and swept me away. I was hopeless before you even knew my name. After that day, the day that I didn’t say anything to you but felt like I had told you my life story if only you were alert enough to listen. Every other guy turned to nothing more than smoke. I saw no more of them and I never have. That day I had a test the period after I saw you and I never answered one question. I barely realized I had the test, when I had been studying for days. When I think about you I stop what I’m doing and my heart speeds up and I start trembling and I can’t form coherent sentences. I try my hardest but you drew me in. whenever we fight or get mad or anything I am ready to do anything to fix it. When I’m not by your side and I’m alone in my bed I think about you and my heart aches because I just want to hold you close and protect you and have you protect me because that’s all that matters that we’re still together and nothing can tear us apart. I don’t know how to make you believe that I love you. The only thing that I most want is for you to know that I will always love you. I want to be a part of your life for now and forever. That’s a big promise to make when were this age, but its true. There is no possible way for me to justify this unless you get inside me and feel what I feel for you. When I see you I could stare at your face for ages and not blink. I try to sometimes, but I always break away when you catch me looking and give me that funny little look with only one dimple, my special smile. I could spend days just learning what you like and what you don’t just to commit it to memory so I wont ever have to second guess myself when I do something for you. I love you. You have changed my life completely and utterly. I don’t want to ever leave. You are the only one that I could never leave. I would do anything to make you feel better. I know you’re scared because that’s a big chip on your shoulder to make sure I’m okay but you don’t have to worry about a thing because as long as you’re happy and I’m the one making you happy it will be okay. Don’t be hard on yourself I love you for you. I love you like no one could love anyone else. I want to be the person you confide in, your lover, your friend, your protector, your protected, your girl, your baby, yours. I want you to be mine I want to have a claim to you that no one else can ever have because you’re mine. I love you. I want to be with you more than I could ever want anybody or anything else. I want you. I love you. Please… love me back, and never let me go.
I want to go back to that night.
I want you to forget everything I’ve ever said to you. It wasn’t me, the real me. I didn’t know how to act towards you. You are so secretive, and it pulled me closer. I wanted to know you. I wanted you to trust me with the things that are hurting you. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I have just never felt such a mutual feeling upon meeting someone before. I didn’t know how to handle it.
It’s so silly for me to want all of this. Maybe I met you so this could be a lesson to myself. So I could not be afraid to be myself ever again.
I love you.
I’m not sure exactly what that means. It’s scary. I don’t even really know you well enough to say those words… but I love every single bit of you I know so far.
You are sweet, and kind, and beautiful. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat. I could swim in the blue of your beautiful eyes. They make me melt. They make me suddenly become so many things I am normally not… uncertain. Awkward. Weird. Afraid. Vulnerable. Unable to speak.
I look at you and see the snapshots of imaginary moments of us together. Laughing. Holding hands. Holding each other. Singing. Dancing. Tangled up sweetly, quietly, closely. So very happy.
There are so many reasons that I can’t tell you all of this: I am terrible at relationships and I’ve left the broken wreckage of so many of them behind me. I couldn’t stand to ever hurt you. I am also afraid that you could hurt me. I am not sure if you even remotely feel anything like what I feel for you. There is so much to risk. So many problems could happen because we also work together.
Neither of us are the kind of people that take the first step. Neither of us would put ourselves out there. We are reserved. Even shy sometimes. Proper. Guarded.
So I don’t know if there will ever be anything more than this… I can dream about it, and hope that some incredibly lucky moment will change things, but that moment might never come.
But I want you to know that I think you are amazing. Even if after you read this you wonder forever who wrote it… know that somebody’s heart will race every time they see you. Somebody’s breath will catch when you smile. Even when you are tired, or when you are having a bad day, somebody you know thinks that you are just right and wishes we lived in a world where we could be something so much more.
Love letter emails sent between a bird & her beau.
Her to Him: sent while in bed
Sometimes, late at night I lay awake and watch you sleep. Through the sliver of moonlight that spills across your face and onto my sheets, I observe your peaceful slumber. I close my eyes and try and surrender myself to such a sleep. But I can’t. Instead I burrow my way into you. I wiggle myself back until I am resting comfortably in your warm, soft nook. As if by instinct your arms wrap around me and you let out a long, slow sigh. Your soft breath tickles my neck, and your feet shift to try and warm mine. Even while sleeping you are silently taking care of me. I listen to the nothingness that surrounds us. I am always amazed at the silence. Where has the city gone? Am I really the only one still awake?
My eyes have adjusted to the darkness. I scan the piles of clothes, the silent piano and the stacks of books that reside around my room. The green glow of the digital clock reminds me it is late. Like an angry mother it scolds me for being awake at such an hour, and so I try again to sleep. I listen to your deep, steady breaths and try to match them. First I’m too slow, then too fast. Finally we breathe together. In and out. In and out. I am suddenly aware of our hearts beating. If I think hard enough, can I really feel your heart through mine? Can I convince our heats to beat together simultaneously? I relax and concentrate. Breath for breath, beat by beat; like a metronome keeping time with our bodies I wait until we’ve become one singular beating, breathing organism. Are you aware of this synchronization? You in dreamland, me in reality. I’m tempted to wake you up and ask about your dreams. Was I there? Could you feel me? As I roll over to look at your face it starts to rain. The drops ping and ting the air-conditioner that hangs precariously six stories high outside my window. You’ve rolled onto your back now and our breaths have varied. You let out a little snore, a mumble and your hand searches for me under the covers. You settle on my left thigh and give it a little pat before you relax back into your deep-breathing slumber.
My eyes are beginning to droop and the room is turning fuzzy. The winter wind roars outside the window, but I am unaware of its cold breath, as I lay contently entangled in your legs, wrapped in your warmth, in the middle of this long, December night
Him to Her: sent while separated over Christmas break
As I lay awake in my dusty room this morning, Before the sunrise, before my Dad wakes up to make coffee for my mom at 6, before Riley decides to take his morning patrol of the property, all I can think about is you. Not even our sex. Just wishing you were by my side to hold my arm like you do. I can feel the warmth of your body against mine and your steady breath on my neck. I really think that the reason God gave me such terrible health is because he had to give me something to worry about. With a girlfriend as caring and loving as you, He’ll have to try a little harder. Can’t wait to see you tonight. I love you.
I wish I could make things less complicated between us. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been waiting for you for over a year for you and now I that finally found someone else, being with him makes me feel more confident around you and also kind of angry. It makes me want to yell at you and pummel your chest and tell you that I’ve been waiting, always fucking waiting, always hoping you would see that I have been silently loving you this whole time. It makes me want to just smile and tell you that now that now that I have someone, I can finally just be upfront with you: I love you romantically and non-romantically, and I will probably still love you romantically for at least a little bit longer.
I told you once that I worry that if I don’t end up with an ex, I will always think of him, but I also worry that I won’t ever be able to let go of you either. Echoes of you reverberate everywhere. You somehow got built into the fiber of my life in this city, and it’s both comforting and awful. I can’t ever escape you; because you have been my friend, my boss, my pseudo-therapist, the man I was dating, my source of advice, and so much more, I can’t bring myself to imagine an existence without you. I want to bring you closer and push you away, and both hurt unimaginably.
Now that I have someone else, I thought it would be freeing for me to tell you how I’ve always felt. But when I tried, I found all the old fears again. I don’t know if you feel the same way, or what you will think of me after you find out the unadulterated truth. I think that you know that I have some feelings for you, but if you find out all of them, I am afraid of what you will think. Maybe I’m afraid to know for certain that you don’t love me back.
Whatever the fears, whatever the history, and whatever the future, I want to write you a love letter. I want to tell you that I can still feel the sensation of wrapping my arms around you from behind. I can still remember what it was like to wrap my arms around your bicep and cling to you as we watched a concert or walked down the street. I can still taste just a little bit of your kisses. Maybe someday I will forget the crinkle of your eyes, your throaty laugh, the red-blondness of your hair, and the way you wear your shirts. But even if I forget, I will always remember how my life here felt molded around you. I don’t want to let go. I love you for reasons still entirely unknown to me…
I loved the way your whispers always found my ear. The way you spoke with your hands even when they were mixed up in mine. The way you could explode originality onto a sheet of paper. The times you danced like we were living in another age. The way my deepest fears and wonders could slip so easily into you. The way you always left me needing more. I miss you more than the one I should be missing. I long for your tingles when I should be enjoying the touch of another. My mind keeps begging my heart to forget you; my heart longs to sever the ties that bind me to the reasons I should let you go. If I could really have one thing in this world, it would be your love. It would be all I’d ever need.
Don’t ask how I know. Sometimes you just have to trust your heart. I’m gonna be in love with you. Forever.
My first night here I met no one I could converse with. No one I admired. No one who could make me want to stay here. I was planning my transfer sitting alone smoking cigarettes. Then you came along. We talked. We laughed. And I, I fell in love. You entranced me, and still do. I still have a twinkle in my eye whenever I get the pleasure of talking about you, which, I may add, is often. You make me feel alive and that I can take on every towering mountain in the distance with ease. I love you for more than all the stars in the sky. As I told you today, I love you more than the ground; it’s because with you, I walk on air.
There is so much I want to say to you. So much that I can’t even think straight to put it into words. I always loved you from the moment I first saw you. You told me I had the biggest influence on your life of anyone you’d ever met. You told me you loved me so much and you wanted to get married. But you told me you were stupid for still being with me. Even though we weren’t even together.
You have hurt me more than anyone else in this world ever has or probably ever will. I told you over and over all I wanted was to be with you and for you to just want to be with me. Did you ever actually want to be with just me? Or was it only when I started to find someone else? I’ve been in love with you for the past 2 years and you supposedly felt the same. But why is it so easy for you to be done with me? Why didn’t you ever want to make things right? What is wrong with you?
How can one person be capable of causing so much pain and hurt but get so much love in return? All I ever wanted was you. Just you. Every horrible, awful thing you did to me meant nothing when we were together because all I felt then was love. Love knows no wrong. But you couldn’t do it anymore. And as badly as I wish every day that you will call me or talk to me, please don’t. I never want to see you ever again. With each day that goes by it’s easier for me to feel nothing and each day I PRAY that I feel nothing, and that I fall out of this ridiculous love that I’m in.
But maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe this is the time for us to grow ourselves before we can grow together. Maybe you were never ready to be in a relationship with me in the first place. Maybe I’m crazy.
For the past two years, I have found it odd the things I have done for you; things that I would have undoubtedly complained about normally suddenly became effortless, I wanted to do these things because I knew they would make you happy. All of the sudden my happiness seemed to largely depend on yours, my sadness likewise. I have noticed myself enjoying things because you enjoy them, wanting to tag along for your ridiculous adventures even though I’ve had far more important things to do. I’ve seen myself drop what I’m doing when you tell me you need me, and I’ve learned to love dogs! I have found a level of comfort with you that I never knew existed; I realized in instances that I can be completely selfless. All of these things were new to me, and I didn’t know why they were happening. This new level of tolerance that I have reached in realization that there are exceptions to the rules when you love someone. All of the sudden songs that I’ve known for years have a whole new meaning. I feel myself missing you only moments after you leave, I can’t even picture a tomorrow without you in it. Days when I tell myself we must go our separate ways are quickly replaced by nights tangled in your arms. You have changed my life; you’ve taught me what it means to love someone unconditionally, no matter what no matter when, you have revealed to me my own ability to give my heart away on accident with out any expectations. You have set the bar for what I will always look for in someone to love. I will not blame you for breaking my heart because without you I may never have known how it felt to have a full heart. I’ll always believe in you.
It’s been five years. Five years since I first met you. Five years since we “dated” for those three weeks. In those five years, you’ve always been in the back of my head. I remember three years ago when we used to talk for hours every night. I remember knowing then. I remember knowing how much I still felt, after two years without you. I guess in those three weeks five years ago I fell for you. Hard. And now here we are. Together. Again. This time I hope it’s for real. Because after spending all these years dreaming of you, and missing you, I don’t know if I could handle losing you. And although there’s about 400 miles separating us right now, I have more faith in us then I’ve ever had in any relationship I’ve been in. In twenty-one days I get to see you. I can’t stop counting and thinking just how much I miss you. It hasn’t even been a week since I saw you last. I know now why every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve wrecked in some way. I’ve been pining for you for so long. And I hope like hell I don’t find a way to ruin this, because I feel as if this is the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. And although I can’t say it to you, I fucking love you. I’ve loved you since I was a kid. I’ve probably loved you all this time. And even though I can’t say it to you yet, out of fear its way too soon, I know I do.
Hey you, I remember how you used to look at me. There was something in your eye that made my heart skip a beat. It was sincere, it was honest, it was unlike anything I’ve felt before. You were the first person that ever saw me, the first person to ever give me hope that I could mean something to someone. I guess the irony about this situation is that we were only ever friends, sometimes maybe more. But yet you always gave me the feeling that even if it felt like we were miles apart, you always had me within hand’s reach. I will always love you for that, I will love you for the times you reached out to me, for the times you said my name. I will love you for every time you thought about me, and most importantly I will always love you for holding my hand.
Do you remember the night our lives changed? I remember. The way you looked, the way you smiled, the way you smelled, the way you laughed and the way your shy eyes couldn’t quite meet mine. That made my heart flutter. Did I ever tell you that?
The days went by, slowly at first. Every second I spent with you felt like an eternity because the world stopped when I was with you. Problems, worries, despair and frustration would melt away. The way your smile made your eyes blaze and my heart explode, I will never forget that.
Our days slid into weeks and months and as the time passed, my adoration for you only intensified. The way you snore when you sleep, stutter when you get excited telling a story, take me in your arms for no reason and kiss me in that spot that only you know. That’s why I love you.
Most of all, though, I love when you look at me. Your eyes, so kind, look past me. They look into me. You see me, who I am to myself and not the world. You see my faults, my failing, my frailty. But you see beyond it, too. You discover what the world neglects: my fire, my passion, myself.
So you see, you are the one. The only one. The true one.
Missing you, why, there’s nothing better in the world. Because, when I miss you, I think of you, and when I think of you, it makes my heart dream.
So always remember, you are mine and I am yours. We are us. Love today, tomorrow and forever.
You are THE one. The ONE. When I was little I told myself I would marry the one with the perfect last name and a magical singing voice. And there you were. With every piece of my being I know that you are the one for me. More than I know that the stars will appear in the sky tonight, more than I know what my favorite color is. You make all the love stories ever written worth believing. Because of you I can’t wait to grow old and wise and gray and tell my kids that true love exists. Even if I have to wait a decade for it. Because I will wait. You have someone else and she is great. But I will wait. I’m waiting for you. Because I am the ONE. THE one.
You are remarkable! I want to grow happy with you! You make my life perfect!
To my best friend:
You are nothing short of wonderful, remarkable, and intelligent. In fact, you are all of these things and more. Your cocoa-colored skin, smooth-as-butter style, and luscious lips make you beautiful. You are witty and funny but nonetheless you remain a reliable and trustworthy friend. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really appreciate you. Sometimes it may not seem like I do, but don’t let that confuse you. Just know, at all times, that I am irrevocably and irreversibly in love with you. Whether you are happy or sad or mad, just know that I am here for you. My heart will always have a place for you—always. Don’t doubt that—never. I know that I have some issues and you’re not perfect either, nut I want you to know that you patience is divine. Please stay with me: I don’t think I can bear to lose you—ever. Because I love you. It’s pretty simple actually: I love you—always.
Every time I see you my heart could leap from my chest. All day long the only thing on my mind is your name and how much I desperately wish I could be with you right now. I want to take you all over the world and show everything you could hope to see, and be there for you when you see things you wish you hadn’t. I can’t promise that things would always be perfect, but I can promise that nothing would stop me from putting my whole heart into making you happy. I want to wake up next you and fall asleep with you at my side. Your heart is so big that I feel greedy asking for it, but you’re crazy and I’m crazy so let’s be crazy for each other.
It kills me to know that we’re not together. All I want to do is hold your hand and watch off beat movies with you late at night. I know that we will fall in love, we were made for each other. We’ve both had the same heartbreaks and now it’s our turn to find the happiness that we’ve seen everyone else have for years and quietly envied.
So I know that know that we’re both hesitant to get ourselves into something serious but I’ve never felt this way about anyone until I met you and I can’t help but feel like it was meant to be. Give us a chance and I can promise you that you won’t regret the decision in the least. I want us to fall in love and I know that we will.
I was mourning, and you came into my life unexpectedly. I didn’t know what I wanted then, and I wasn’t ready to open up or commit. I needed some time to explore… But I can’t stop thinking about you now, and the possibility of what can be. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time, and it’s scary. Every time I see you, I feel nervous and my heart pounds… it’s wonderful. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do, but I like the way you look at me, the way we communicate, and I want more. I want to play with you. I need to know if you feel the same way. So we can either go our separate ways and stop the games or take the risk and see what happens. I told you before that I couldn’t predict my emotions. I didn’t know then how strongly I would feel about you until I realized that I wanted more. You’ve already hurt me once, and my guard went up. You’ve also sent me mixed signals, and maybe I am reading into this more than I should. But for what it’s worth, I want to thank you for reminding me that the possibility of love still exists. The greatest love stories are always about the possibility of love…
Dear My Morning Glory,
I remember the first time I saw you. I was eating dinner with my fiancée, and you were on a terribly boring date. I looked up and you winked and blew a kiss at me and immediately began laughing at yourself because of how lame you are. And all I could think about was how you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, even though it looked as though you hadn’t brushed your hair in months. You walked outside and I followed. I asked you your name and you asked me if I would like to accompany you in exploring the abandoned warehouse down the street. I knew from that point on that you were the girl I would spend my life loving.
Two years have past since that night, and you’ve moved to Paris to “pursue your dreams and find love.” I wanted to tell you how I felt so badly that last night I saw you. Two years. I’ve spent two years thinking about you non-stop. Two years of memorizing every freckle on your face, every inch of your skin, every word you’ve ever spoken to me. Two years of falling more and more in love with you each passing minute.
I miss waking up next to you on Sunday mornings and walking to the park with you in your sundress and resting my head in your lap while you read to me under the oak trees. I miss the way you bite your lip when you’re thinking really hard about something. I miss the way you lay beside me when I sleep. I miss your laugh and your accent and your blue eyes. I miss the way you start talking really fast when you get excited telling a story. I miss the way you question me about everything.
I love you and every single thing about you. I always will. You’ve taught me how to live. But I don’t want to live without you. I want to have crazy adventures with you all over the world. I want to go grocery shopping with you. I want to sit at the mall and share a milkshake as we watch all the different people walk by. I want to watch late night TV with you and hold your hand. I want you to take me to your favorite museums. I want to marry you and have babies with you and experience everything this life has to offer with you and grow old and gray and wise with you. You’re the love of my life.
We spoke on the phone last night. First time in two months. I told you that I have a surprise for you but that I couldn’t tell you. Just like you went to Paris to “pursue your dreams and find love,” so am I. You are my only dream and you are my only love.
I’ll be in Paris in less than twelve hours.
When I first met you, you were a boy with a goofy t-shirt. The goofy t-shirt happened to have a character from one of my favorite Disney movies. As time grew, I began to love your uncommon locks and the unsteadiness with which you spoke. When you asked me out for tea I remember the most excited panic raising within me. That day I anxiously awaited your arrival while I made conversation with a friend. There was a random article of underwear on the ground; that detail I’ve always remembered. You and I discussed the obscurities of life and exchanged the nervous laughter of anticipation. I remember thinking, “this could be the start of something wonderful.” I watched that movie for the first time with you. Although my eyes struggled to stay open, I remember thinking how great the movie was and how great you were. I celebrated your birth without knowing much about your existence. When you kissed me, your lips were firmly pressed against mine and I remember recalling a passion I wasn’t expecting. As time passed, we discussed our feelings by the stone frogs. We kissed while that song played and I smiled. You were so taken aback my lack of control for happiness that you wrote it in your journal. We were something to write about. Something that should be recorded for history. As time passed, you dedicated stories and eventually wrote stories about us. I took something from you that could never be gained back, but I hold it close to me like an organ, vital for survival. I took you for granted. And you took what we had for granted. Once what we had became unbearable, we related to animated characters. Winnie the Pooh drew me to you once like Flounder had. The genuine acknowledgment and love you had for my existence kept me entangled in the complicated mess that was your mind. Even still, with all that the hurt you’ve caused, I still find myself tangled in that web. I contemplate every cell within your body. I explore you to your deepest depths without your knowledge. I love you to the deepest depths and beyond, knowing that the depths I have reached may not even be the deepest. I love you knowing that it will never be returned because how you once felt didn’t match up on our timeline. I love you because we were the greatest story you ever wrote, and the greatest story I ever read.
I will always remember your eyes, the ones that remind me of Indian summer, pools of reluctant, honeyed light. It’s funny now, sitting next to you on your couch, eating jellybeans. We are surrounded by a brilliant, partially withering array of your mother’s plants. There is a tangible easiness between us, a security in amputating what had been that snowy night when I walked away from you and you did not stop me. In a strange, wonderful, impossible way, I know we love one another. We die caves, I think, ones that contain salacities of every one we’ve ever loved, every thought, every fear, every failure, every footstep. Thank you for being in mine.
I don’t know why you were brought to me. I met you randomly at a party of a friend of a friend. Our quasi-friendship was a complete accident, a series of happy coincidences, if you could call them that.
I don’t know why you wrote me such wonderful letters while I was away, incommunicado. But I liked it. You were the only person I’ve ever had pick me up from the airport that arrived prior to my arrival; you were there, waiting, with cautiously worded love letters written on pink lined journal paper.
I don’t know why you chose me. We were so different. It never could have worked. Could it? Now I don’t know, but I was so certain that it would, against all odds. I thought the fact that you were so different would open me up. In some weird cosmic roundabout way, you were exactly what I was looking for.
I don’t know why you felt the need to leave. If I’d done something drastically objectionable, I certainly wasn’t aware. One day it simply was over and I wasn’t awarded a fair chance or the time to state my case or even to think about what had just happened.
I don’t know why I still feel like I love you, even after all this time.
It’s been a while now since I knew I really loved you, and I’ve tried to both show you and tell you in so many ways… and I think you know it now. I hope you do. It’s not a whim or a momentary thing that will change with the weather or the seasons. It is love.
But in that time I’m also starting to see the rest… your side of things. I’ve watched you get excited about your plans with everybody else, and watched you hesitate about any plans with me. Sometimes I’m the afterthought, or the no thought at all, and the priorities seldom ever seem fall on my side. Your answers for me are always so noncommittal. It’s almost always me reaching out for your hand, me looking for a kiss, or me asking you to stay.
I don’t want to be your burden. I don’t want to hold you back or make you feel like I’m an anchor, and I don’t want to trade love for pity. I just want you to love me back… But I’m starting to understand that you maybe just don’t. You’ve said that’s not true, and that you do, but that it’s just not with the same intensity and passion. Maybe so… but I think that, “I don’t know” eventually melts into knowing, and I think whether you admit it or not, you do know.
I’m not sure if you’re afraid that I’ll eventually hurt you (I won’t) or that I’ll keep you from being free to be you (I wouldn’t) or if the truth is that I’m simply not there in your heart.
I don’t love you because I need to be in a relationship, or because I’m lonely. I love you because of who you are… because you are the exact person I have been looking for. Because I love each moment I get to spend with you. Because to me you are so beautiful in every way possible! Because just the thought of you makes me happy. When I think of you, I can’t help but think of so many great plans… adventures… sweet moments together, so happy. So much that could be.
I don’t want either of us to resent the other because of a one-sided love. If there is hope for me then let me know… give me some sign… tell me one more time to be patient, and I will do my best. If the truth is difficult, and you’ve discovered that you have nothing for me, then let me know that too, so that I can find a way to come to terms with it, because to love somebody truly who does not love you back is to die a little every day. It’s so very hard…
And more importantly, I love you so much that all I truly want for you is to be in love with somebody the way that I am in love with you, and to have them love you back just the same. You deserve that. If that somebody can’t be me (oh but I wish with all my heart it could), then let me know so that I can get out of the way so that you can find something as perfect for you as I think you are for me.
Every time I touch your hand the crisp vibrations of your soul crush into my soul. I look into your blue eyes, you know, the ones that are always red-eyed when I take a picture of you, and everything every thought in my head disappears and focuses on beautiful, wonderful you. The thing is even when you’re trying to sneak up on me I know you’re there because I can smell your wonderful scent that I swear was made especially for my nose. I love how you never match your socks. I love that you drink orange juice straight from the carton. I love that you are simply amazed by everything, and I know that the universe is looking after you, and I know that the universe will make everything okay for you.
I didn’t expect to fall for you. It wasn’t love at first sight. But as we talked, things fell into place. Little by little, the small bits that make you peaked my interest. And then you asked me to dance. I’d never really danced with someone before, not like this. No matter the song, no matter the tempo, we danced the same way, for as long as the band was playing. You didn’t look down. You looked into my eyes the entire time, except for the occasional spin. And that look said it all. And now we’re back home. You at yours and me at mine, approximately 150 miles apart. We talk every now and then, the occasional mental purge. I know it would be easier to just find someone else, and I’ve tried. But no one compares to you. No one makes me feel that happy, that beautiful, that carefree. No one challenges my ways of thinking like you do. You are so unique. You are quiet but you aren’t shy. You know how be funny without crossing the line. You care about the world and think outside of your personal sphere. You enter my dreams and I find myself hoping for a future. I don’t know that you ever think about me anymore, but I always think about you. You aren’t perfect, but you’re all I’ll ever need.
It’s strange that I never noticed you for so many years, but then when I met you I couldn’t help but love you. How could I have never noticed you before then? Remember the times when I would say “as you wish” to everything, just as Westley does in “The Princess Bride”, only what I really meant was “I love you.” You would always get freaked out when you saw me looking at you, but I couldn’t help it, because you are too perfect. It makes me wonder. I would watch you to try and figure it out. How can someone be so nice, yet still have such a strong opinion? How can you be so perfect yet think so little of yourself? I love you. I think. I think I love you. I got over you because you loved someone else. But I suppose I was never really over you. All it took for me to fall back in love was for you to say that you thought it could have worked between us if things had been slightly different. I tried to convince you that those slight differences meant nothing, but you didn’t agree. Then I was mad at you for giving me reason to have hope again. I still love you.
There was this one time when I was a teenager and I was on a ferry with a family friend. Her daughter had long brown hair and wore a parrot shirt. She told me that her daughter had just met this person she loved so much that she couldn’t even speak when he was in the same room as her. I remember thinking I hope there is a person out there who is capable of doing that to me. You are that person. Now I have met you, I almost wish I loved you less. I would be able to talk to you at least.
Hey! Hi! You, wonderful you! I said that I was going to marry someone who would give organic juice boxes to my kids, and there you were. I was hopeless, I wasn’t expecting you, I was expecting everything but you. I was asleep without realizing it. There you were! I don’t know when it was that I fell, my heart reeling and spinning into your arms but it happened! I can’t pinpoint a date. I love you because of your shameless idealism! You rush forward with every good intention known to man, without even realizing it. You are so genuinely good and you don’t know it, which makes you better. You remind me of the sunshine pouring into my backyard when I was little, where I used to live, where the ivy covered everything. I barely know you, but I know I love you. I know. I know because when you trip and laugh at yourself my insides glow, I know because I can’t find a flaw even in your cold sores, everything about you is beautiful to me. I know because you are the guy who will give me laugh lines! And that… that is what I want from life. I should feel silly saying these things so soon, but I don’t! I can’t. Because I know. You are the one for me, the only one, my only heart. It’s Valentine’s Day! Let’s celebrate love!
Today, when I woke up and went to work, I was a little thrilled because I knew that I would see you. So when I picked up the phone and it was you, my heart flew right into my throat. I want more mornings where the first thing I hear is you. I don’t think that I listen to you when you talk. Not as fully as I know I should, so that I can hold onto your words. I’m too busy thinking about the proximity of you and me, how close we are to each other, too busy listening to your voice fall over my head. I didn’t tell you at the barbecue–but you have the nicest voice. I want you to sing me to sleep. Today, we sat near each other, and when everyone else left the room all I wanted to do was reach over to you and wrap my fingers around yours. Touching you doesn’t seem like enough, I want our muscles to intertwine. I wanted to scoot my chair next to yours, and rest my head on your shoulder. Today, I cleaned out my purse for five minutes (when it should’ve taken two) because I knew you were leaving at the same time, and I wanted to walk outside and into the sunlight with you. I missed you by a minute, and I saw you walking away without me. My eyes and feet wanted to follow you, but I had to walk in a perpendicular direction. Today, you were standing very close to me and all the other things that I wanted today fell out of my head and were replaced by a single lucid certainty. I have not wanted anything recently as much as I wanted to turn around and hug you.
(Hello, This is a text that I sent to my ex-boyfriend who came back into my life recently. It was the night of my 32nd birthday and I had just cried most of the day because I was confused about what was going on with us. After writing this and sending it, I quickly came to peace within myself. Just by putting this out there I instantly felt better. I am grateful that I wrote down exactly what I was feeling that night. I want to remember it always, even if it was a sad feeling, it was strong and I was in touch with it. H often says, “I’m living the dream!”)
You know what’s kind of a bummer. I am enjoying a beautiful early warm summer night sitting on the sand just a foot from the water alone, in a great moment, beautiful and peaceful and I wish you were sitting next to me. I know you would love this. Its feels so good out and maybe you’re doing the same thing somewhere, in which case I am so deeply happy for you. But! YOU can’t deny that the only thing that would maker this better is if we were sitting next to each other. If I’m alone on this and you don’t feel that, care about me enough to tell me. That is all I ask. BUT!!!! If I’m right, tell me so I can stop feeling like I’m losing my mind over you because I always believed that love only exists when two people feel it. Call me a hopeless romantic… Blah blah blah. I just need to know that maybe in some amazing world we could be an option before we miss out on perfect night like this sitting on a beach at night living the dream.
This is a reason to love you. I do not love you yet, but someday I might and I will look back on this moment and know exactly why. Last night before we slept wrapped in one another’s arms, I told you of how uncomfortable I used to be in my own skin. My curvy body full of protruding bones, the potential for androgyny of my face, the weakness I see in blue eyes. How I never felt comfortable walking and that is why I dance and glide instead of solid sure footsteps, how I do not know what to do with my arms or how high to hold my head. You looked at me with wide eyes and said with confidence, “Well hold on now, I can fix all of this right now.” And you ran your fingers up and down the length of me with reverence, as though you were explaining a simple equation to a small child, telling me me with your words and your eyes that no one in the world could ever see me as anything as beautiful, especially you. Because of my confidence and my self-respect, which originally stemmed from insecurity, I do not often show people that I have not always thought the best of myself, but I showed you and in a matter of seconds you took away the hurt I had carried inside myself for years.
Mon petit weinerschnitzel, Sablock.
I have accidentally deleted my last love letter to you when we were still together in my blog. However, I will still write a love letter for you, even if we have separated for a while. I love you, I still do. Perhaps there will always be that silent, quiet space in my heart just for you and for everything that we have shared. When I remember you, I still smile and wish that somewhere out there, you are doing all right. I have let you go, wishing for your happiness and the fulfillment of heart’s longing, channeling my selfish desires to be with you into transcendence of unconditional love. We no longer talk, could look at each other’s eyes anymore, or greet each other in the hallway. I may seem to appear that I ignore you, but I notice your presence. No, I do not hate you nor do I want you to suffer in life. The memory of pain, anger and madness seems to be just flickers of events and they no longer hurt. However, I still cherish the memories of love that you have given me. We started with a hug and ended with a hug, your smile when we sleep next to each other, the first time you held my hand and waking up in the morning next to you. You have taught me what I have learned about the both sides of love, even if it means of setting you free, of wishing for your own happiness and to truly accept that I won’t be a part of your life anymore, even though I wish I were. And if I had to repeat it all, I would do it all again, no hesitations, no questions, I’d say yes. You have been my teacher among life’s greatest lessons, even if it means having to learn it the hard way. Even until now, you are still teaching me about loving one’s self including one’s murkiest parts so I could learn how to love others’ murkiest parts. Perhaps in another lifetime, our souls will meet, just in different vessels and forms. May our souls bring each other joy and love, when they meet again. Perhaps when we have already fixed ourselves, we can nourish our friendship again. For now, my fervent wish for you to fly, to fly so high and to seek the balance of pride and humility, of talking and listening, to befriend your own darkness and shadows that it could bring light to you. And when it seems your battle has become dreary and tiresome, remember that there will be people who are on your side, including me. I will always love you, even if it continues to change to other forms.
The maelstroms of unavoidable, iridescent truths are what we hold on to. The bittersweet dreams of yesteryear are what we never want to think of. The illusions you keep, the sadistic misery of marigolds, the taste of September. Thoughts of these make me fade faster than Polaroids, leaving nothing but a shimmer, a secret, an unseen sign behind. I was all fucked up and confused and sweet, wandering with a broken heart and two left feet. The girl who could barely live, let alone fall for you. The girl with scars on her arms and lies and tears made of ice and a head full of kaleidoscope dreams. The girl with a voice, the girl without a choice. Maybe, maybe I’m not like you. You write about inhibitions and love, words dripping off the page; disillusioned and hopeful, caught in the ephemeral, neon dream world. You are the unknown, the sudden apparition of change, and the lights on the stage and the euphoria. Sometimes I think what could have been, but don’t want it anymore. I scatter those visions as if they were cursed glitterati. You don’t know enough. You make up excuses for me, and you never ask. You wanted to be a star. There you go, you supernova. I’m tired of them with the look in their eyes, saying this is how hard it is to get over you. I don’t ever want to listen to songs about you walking out the door and wanting to take it back, and mistakes in love, and turn into one of them because you forged fire out of the ice, you say what we both knew you could never take back, you pretend without regret. You hate, and make more mistakes; you stay with your truth, you want her, and I’m tired of you. You never said it. You think she’s better (she looks at me like she knows and she wants and you don’t even notice); you break more hearts and make her laugh using nothing but debris and your stupid tricks up your sleeve, and so you think you have that hope, that you actually stand a chance. I don’t know why. I loved you. I loved you before, when you traipsed around, shining like that, gesticulating wildly, and making up wild things. When you were real and crazy. I loved you like the first, bittersweet summer love, which can only be shared; I loved you sadly and wildly. I loved you because we used to fit somehow, like pieces of a broken world, because I understood and you were unforgettable. I loved you and starflowers, your music and your words. You, you thought I was ‘human’, and wrote of certain unmentionable events. You think I did what I didn’t, and you hate. You never knew. I like to think maybe you’ll end up with some other girl, maybe her, (who knew?), and maybe you will stumble upon this page once again, in less confusion and hopefully more knowledge than you had last time, and read these love letters voraciously. Maybe you’ll cast your eyes over these words, this legend, this broken fairytale. Orpheus and Eurydice, undine and the knight, star-crossed lovers. And you will think, “Fuck. She’s right.”
Do you have any idea what I’m trying to convey?? Please, this glance is packed with explosives, this sigh with screams, this word with tears. Gasp if you must, but breathe it in somehow. Inhale that you are loved beyond reason. You have a piece of my heart; I’m trying to give you a piece of my soul. These syllables are not just something to fill the silence. I’m not trying to flatter your heart, I’m trying to tear you apart.
Hello, to my one sweet love. I have hurt you, bad. I made a mistake, a wrong choice, a wrong turn. I told you the truth, as I have been ever so transparently truthful to you ever since I met you. I know it had to hurt. I know what was coming. I told you the truth hoping that you would appreciate me, doing that, and starting over anew. Yell, scream, shout. Say it all. Say it all. You can push me away, but I’m not going anywhere, dear. You fear me hurting you, I fear myself hurting me hurting you. I fear myself losing you. I told the truth. I’m here to get you back. Stop shoving me away. Yes, a mistake is a mistake. Or so maybe the love you gave isn’t as much and same as the love you thought you were giving. Where is it now? Will love prevail? Love me more than anything else? Anything else in the world? These words I cannot forget. I told the truth and still fight. So why don’t you? Can you prove these words true? I was honest to you. A wanted to start over. You start pushing me away. Where is this love you’re talking about. Hurt? Yes you are. But the stab I made hurt me more than it hurt you. I am here pride all lost, and you are, as you are a stone. One mistake to end all? Or one love to survive all?
Oh, sweet love. Tell me what is dear to you. Oh my sweet love, I’ll tell you what is dear to me. Listen. Listen. Don’t listen and see mistakes. Only the mistakes. Don’t let anger be your poison. I’m here for you. Fighting. If only you’ll see, you’ll see. If only you’ll fight. And we’ll be.
Once upon a time, you were the most agonizing near-yet-so-faraway. These days, you are the most beautiful faraway-once-so-near, and so, my love, here I will stay.
It’s funny how you’re probably not even looking back, but I’m still here.
It was a warm day in September the last time I seen and talked to you. I left that day wondering how I would get through the rest of my life without you but I had to do it because I knew it would make you happy. You are in love with another now, the mother of your baby. I can’t help but hurt at the thought of you with someone else but I have grown more and more used to it. I know this is the end and it makes me yearn for you even more. I would give anything to hold your hand and to feel your touch just once more but I couldn’t go on hurting anymore and more importantly I did not want to keep you from what you really wanted and that was her. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you and I also wasn’t as nice to you at times. I can only blame the anger on the fact that I knew I was losing you. In a perfect world you would come back to me but I know that doesn’t exist in real life just in fairy tales. We had plans to be together and at the time that was all that mattered to us. Just know that since the day I met you, today, and every day after I will love you will every ounce that I have. There will never be another. I Love You.
I think I should start by saying that when I walked into Warren’s that night (after leaving my date with the man-child that wouldn’t eat his vegetables), I had absolutely no idea that I would meet somebody that would change my life this year. As much as you think I’m just trying to charm you, I really truly did think you were out of my league – you were much too attractive to want anything to do with me. Seriously. But a failed power hour and god knows how many burps later, we somehow managed to end up in the kitchen-smoking hookah and talking, and after that you lured me (quite easily, I must say – it didn’t take much convincing) out to the deck to “talk.” I really am not entirely clear on the chain of events, but I do remember being extremely impressed with your kissing skills (as Hunter yelled, “GO CODY!” from inside) =P
Soon after, Kathleen tore me away from you and we exchanged numbers before I left. Normally I wouldn’t have been as desperate to text somebody so quickly, but I didn’t want you to forget me, so naturally I texted you “well it was certainly nice to meet you ;)” I had no clue where you and I would go from there. I figured if I was lucky we could hang out a few times, maybe meet up at parties every once in awhile; because there was no way that I could have charmed you with the amount of burping that went on that night ha-ha. But strangely enough you were still interested, and I was thrilled. I was like a little schoolgirl – anytime somebody asked me about you I would just smile silently and start turning red.
The night that we went to the Ragtag, when you held my hand on the walk back to the dorm – that’s when I knew that things were going to be different. I definitely hadn’t planned on being in a relationship anytime soon, but when you came along…I knew that I would be insane to pass up somebody as amazing as you. It’s crazy to think that we had only known each other for a little over two weeks when we started dating, but honestly it just seemed right. I had never felt so connected to somebody in my entire life. Being with you gave me a sense of contentment that I had never known before, and those first few months that we were together were some of the happiest times of my life. In those months that we walked around campus, sat on the quad, took pictures, watched The Office, That 70s Show, and plenty of movies; and stayed in bed until late in the afternoon talking about anything, I fell for you. Head over heels. I was enthralled by you and couldn’t imagine life being any different, although I knew that it could change at any given moment, as life does.
And, as you well know, things did change. The few months after we returned from winter break were definitely some rough times… I couldn’t stand the thought of you not wanting to be with me, and I thought that my heart was going to break. But what I’m getting at is that I still stuck it out and waited for you because you asked me to, and I would do almost anything for you. I don’t want to be with anybody else – I can’t imagine anybody ever comparing to you and what we have together.
I’m going to miss you so so much this summer… I’m so used to being able to have my Cody around when I need him. I’m really glad that you’re going to be nearby this summer – two hours away is much better than four, and I hope we get to spend some time together; but I know that me being out of the country for six weeks isn’t going to be much help. What I need you to know is that I always want it to work with us – you are the one that makes me feel like everything really can be okay. Even when I’m 4,639 miles away (yes, I looked it up), I’ll be thinking of you. I hope you have a fantastic summer, and I can’t wait to see you soon.
I’ve never even been with anyone before. I’m young; you’re young. And now, to my dismay, you have a girlfriend. But I desperately want to be with you, with everything inside of me. Can’t I at least get to know you? Please.
I’m afraid I’ll never have the courage to tell you anything. Sadly, I’ve had my eye on you since fourth grade — ever since I hid your pencil case behind that huge fish tank. Now we’re seniors in high school, and I think time is running out. Yet I know I could never muster up the courage to tell you. I never even see you or talk to you. Occasionally I’ll see you, and when I do. I absolutely tremble uncontrollably. Last time, tears welled up in my eyes because I was so utterly shocked. I mustered the courage to blurt out your name. Before you turned around, I studied you. I watched as you bent down to give a warm greeting to those adorable five-year-old girls chanting your name. Goodness, you have a way with children.
You turned, and my vision blurred. It was practically nothing but small talk, but it was something. My heart stopped beating and I was frozen. Paralyzed. Unaware of anything or anyone else. You touched my arm as you turned to leave. Why does everything about you have to be so completely riveting? Your chiseled chin, beautifully defined jaw line. That fierce look in your eyes–it could melt stone. I could listen to your voice on repeat for the rest of eternity. Your smile is my weakness. You are built, perfectly. Your stance. The way you listen to someone who is talking to you — leaning forward with your face cupped in your hands, fully attentive. You listen. You can be a bit rough around the edges (I think), but you’re still terribly sweet. You’re respectful, polite, thoughtful, genuine. And you have that pensive, deeply intriguing look about you that makes it SO difficult to look away.
It’s exhausting. These feelings continue to last, and I’m not sure you have the slightest clue. Why have I had butterflies around you for years, when most girls have different crushes every week? It has to mean something. It has to.
I was terrified of rejection, but now that you have someone else to call your own, what am I to do? Yes, we’re young, and yes– anything can happen. But I’ve heard too many stories and observed too many people to know that things don’t always work out the way I convince myself that they will. So what is it going to take for you to realize this? I don’t know what to do. All I want is to be yours. I want to stop over-analyzing, stop dreaming up possibilities, options, outcomes. I just want to lie on your shoulder, close my eyes, and be enveloped in your beautiful complexity.
Please please don’t change, please don’t forget about me. Please realize that maybe. Just maybe. This is meant to be. And while I am here waiting. Please– stay… you.
Dear Navy Lady,
Where do I start? I love you, I guess, would be a good start, right? I always have and always will. I met you when I was with my first long-term girlfriend and you took my breath away. We started messaging each other on the Internet and I literally thrived off your messages. I’d smile so big when I finally got them. You were everything I wished for in one package of awesomeness. We became so close, best friends unlike any others. People would always question how close we were but we just shared a bond that no one could break at all. I knew you’d always be around. I never ever intended on acting on my feelings for you. I always thought you deserved more – better. It came to a point where you were everything to me, every reason why I woke up in the morning, every reason why I breathed, ate, drank water, went into the sunlight. You were my serenity. No one could get me like you and no one still can. You left for the Navy right when I was aware of my feelings for you were more than just a ‘like’, more than a crush. There I was… feeling like an army wife, dwelling over our memories so I didn’t feel alone. All I wanted was you in my bed, you in my arms, your breath down my back when I woke up, my hands on your hips as we laid still. I’d do anything to have that. Even though I know all your secrets and you know mine. Even though you are miles and miles away and may be that way for a while. You’re all I want. The way you smirk when I see you on webcam, the way you make fun of me because I speak ‘proper’. Fuck, girl, I love you. I’m madly and irrevocably in love with you. I’m a strong-headed feminist and I’d marry you in a blink of an eye. I’d sacrifice anything just to be able to hold you, babe because I don’t care if I’m sick, cold and homeless… you are my home. Now today we’re together, we’ve started to fight our war. Just know that no matter what happens, I’m fighting for you. I’ll clean up my mistakes. You’re my happily ever after. You. That is all it ever was.
I wish you would tell me not to leave. Stay here forever. It’s only been 6 months but I have known since our first date that we would be together forever. No one EVER looked at me like that before. I love the little hum you do to yourself that you think no one hears I love how you inspire me. I Love that you make me want to be a better me. I love that you tell me how proud you are of me when I didn’t do anything. I love to catch you staring at me then act like you weren’t. It’s real cute. I love how we say those same dumb jokes all the time, almost everyday and they actually get funnier. You make me feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. I love when you kiss my forehead or the bridge of my nose. Just tell me to stay and I will. I’ll never leave.
Love, what did you have in mind that I might try to arrange it? I look forward to seeing you, of course. Have a good morning. I’ll be thinking of you today. Like I do everyday. I hold back many thoughts from you. Things I want to say. My quietness last night was not for lack of words. Only my preservation. Then again, what have I left to protect? All that’s worth protecting is gone already. I discard draft after draft of these thoughts. Trying to keep this situation uncluttered by words of affection that may not be received… or reciprocated. What’s the use? I cannot lay them down. They have no strengthening effect on me. I am weak. I am open, completely, to you. So, I try to keep my distance emotionally. But it doesn’t work. I tremble. I hurt. Not only in the imagination. Not just in my mind. It’s a soul hurt. I only feel well when I allow myself to be close to you. I tried to build my *wall*. For what purpose? You are like ivy. You grow and climb my wall, over and back down the other side. Then I am again engulfed in you. And so I am, always. Only it feels differently at times. Sometimes I am so happy, so full of joy; air becomes intoxicating. Everything in the natural world is bright and sensational. And then… and then I am suffocated by fears that I truly share these feelings with myself, alone. What a fool I am, to let my heart go like this. And to a man who seems to reside in a cocoon, waiting to emerge and become he knows not what. Hmph. Foolish indeed. You are dangerously lovely and dear to me. I’ve never been in a position like this. I evaluated. I carefully weighed risks (with young and imperfect judgment). I’ve never permitted myself to expose my heart to disappointed hopes. I wonder if it’s my pride that would never allow it. I’ve a good relationship with past mistakes, though. I enjoy learning from them and feel that I better understand people when I learn things the hard way. I have little hesitation exposing myself to the judgment of others. I’m not sure it’s pride. Perhaps it’s the chaos that ensues in the uncertainty of it all. I’m adverse to chaos and upheaval. To changing direction. Yet, here we seem like a pendulum. I hold back words of affection, terms of endearment. I’m afraid of your responses. I’m afraid to let you see my reactions to those responses. Afraid that, if you were to see my hurt – to actually see a tear fall because I cannot hide it or whisk it away without your noticing it – that you may develop feelings for me that just jump into your protective nature and bypass a true and beautiful, deeply felt appreciation for *me*. Then I wonder, and it feels so silly for me to entertain the thought (a thought that is quickly dismissed by an extremely practical grain deep within me), does it matter? Does it matter if he loves the idea of protecting me more than the feeling that he cannot live without me? Of course, it matters, I say to myself. I deserve no less, I convince myself. But then, when I am with you, I wonder still. I wonder if, for you there is a need to be needed in that way. If it is a part of what is necessary for you to feel love for someone. You know, we all have triggers for love. Have I squelched yours by trying so hard to refuse your help? You say it was different before, when you were in love. You spoke of dreams of visions. I wonder how much room we have to share dreams and visions of an exciting nature. Blending two families… our efforts would be so centered around that and visions for that are boundless. But, I don’t have a dream to change the world in any way. I did. Before I had children. There were even times, after children were integrated into my life, that I thought of going out into the community and serving in some way. But, there is no way I can be a good and present mother for my children at the same time. And there is no way I can love and complete a husband if I’m absorbed in hobbies. So, my dreams are boring. They are not as exciting as what you are accustomed to, I guess. I would support and encourage you to follow your inclinations. But, my life is too full to attach myself to any purpose other than being a wife and mother. I wouldn’t want it any other way, actually. All else seems a vanity to me when set aside without a family and impossible to include with a family. Send? Discard? I guess I’ll send. Children are hungry. ***** is sick. Perhaps, we can visit after the children go to bed, so they won’t be a burden to anyone. We could go for a drive. I love you.
Those three months we were together were the best of my life without a doubt. We had a relationship people envied. We were “annoyingly cute”. And I loved it. But for some stupid reason I gave it up and ended it. I realize I probably lost you forever, but I want you to know a few things. We have been through hell together. We have been through more than most couples have been at our age. Most people wouldn’t think that two 16 year old new what love was, but I swear to God I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you forever and always. I am so sorry for my mistake and I doubt that you will ever take me back. But I want you to know that I prayed to God for you to forgive me, for you to understand my mistake, and if it was possible to put some love back in your heart. You don’t understand how many times I wish you would just drive up like you used to. I wish I could see you, I wish we could make up. It’s easy going out on a Friday night. It’s easy every time I see you out. I can smile, live it up like a single girl does, but what you don’t know is how hard it is to make it look so easy. I don’t ever let it show how much I miss you. How much I miss our long walks in the golf course, hanging out in the back of the truck with you, my little brothers baseball games. And now every time I hear our song it kills me inside. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I just wanted you to know that I love you. I always will. Now and forever. Until the world ends, because I will love you in death as well. And even though I am only 16 and I made a promise to myself and God that I would marry no one but you. I don’t care if people think it’s foolish. I never break a promise. I love you, Joe.
I think about the dream where we put children in tree hollows and bulwarks and try to return the whale to the sea. I didn’t tell you that in the dream, I followed you to the beach on the rust-colored strait because I was afraid for your life. You tumbled into the water after the sea creature with eyes like stars and I was convinced you had died. My heart stopped and I drowned on land. We killed the whale at some point– fast forwarding through the bad parts and reviving the dead the way dreams do but life can’t– but, somewhere, I had still died along with you. You had gone off the dock to follow the beast into water that looked like a storm on black glass, and you drowned me right along with you. You really could destroy me at any time you wanted. But you never, ever did. Why did you ever let someone like me glimpse your hurting soul? I miss the one time we danced together in the pub, with you pretending to be my boyfriend and my hand up your shirt. I miss going to châteaux and talking about the dreams in your dream journal, taking shotguns and eating every sweet thing we found. I miss the way you always let me massage your head even though I never did it right. I miss trying to get you to stay up late, I miss the way I always thought that we almost kissed, or how I ever thought I could just fuck you and leave you, the way I aspire to with everyone else. I miss the conviction with which I could tell everyone else but you that I loved you. I miss the way that, without bruising you, my body came to know that it belonged with yours. Slow knowledge: sure, lovely and singing like a whirled glass of fine wine. Things are bad, but you probably figured that when we took the town with my penniless purse and my kiddy cherry patterned umbrella, eating poppy bread and cake in the park by the train station. I think I am going to get deported soon. I don’t know how I can find a way to make it to England so I can tell you face to face I’ve loved you all along, to ignore all the snide things I said that pushed you away, to ignore all the men I told you that I have been with in your stead. That I wish I could take back the time I left your pretty house in the country and you asked for a kiss goodbye and I laughed in your face. That I wanted to kiss you the night my rat died and you let me get drunk so you could take care of me. That I am tired of giving you the husk of my honesty, a soft song with the lyrics hollowed out, stringing you along and skittering away in shame. I am so tired of not letting you reject me if that’s what it needs to be for me to be in your life, or for you to be in mine. I can’t forget the day we watched the thousands of candles light up at the castle before we walked to the statue in the distance, the way you suddenly wanted a picture of me against the weaning twilight. I covered my face because I could never think of you looking back at a photograph of me and smiling. I just love you. I’ve loved you all along. I don’t think I can stop.
I know I’ve neglected you over the last six-month but believe me it had to be done. You may feel I’ve toyed with your feelings but baby it is so complicated. I would have love to run away you when I had the chance but at the same time my heart was breaking because I am never not loyal to the ones I care about. Your feelings got hurt and it’s tearing me up inside. I totally understand why you ignore me and act like you don’t know me, that I deserve and more. I am completely and utterly at a standstill waiting in hope that one day you will forgive me so we can make our plans a reality. I sometime dream of us together as one and oh my God its beautiful and perfect, the meaning and understanding of everything. It is so deep and complex for the mere understanding of just anyone but baby that’s us.
As I drift to sleep tonight, I’m sure you’ll be there, as always. I do hope you never dwindle in my memory. You’re with me as I go through my days. I can hear you in my voice, it’s as if a little part of you exists in me, which is true. I hear the intonations, the slight change in timbre that I’ve assumed from being so close to you- physically, emotionally. It’s incredible.
It’s so different, being on campus and not finding you running into my arms outside the library or walking you to class, or to your house, seeing you after practice and before… And so on. I’m afraid of when this whole is forgotten, and the lack of you is the regular. I’m sure it won’t be long before I forget to glance down Picasso Road reminiscently, or double take at the geology building, and it saddens me. I don’t want to adapt, I don’t want to assimilate. I want you in my life, in my arms. And I don’t expect you not to change, either. I’m sure there’ll be a time when you can’t quite remember the exact color of my eyes, or whether it’s my right or left eyebrow that rises when I’m confused, or where the freckle on my neck is. And you’ll start remembering me by the picture you carry with you. You’ll have that face memorized, and I’ll do the same, I remember what you look like in pictures, and memories. And we’ll look for consolation in an image, but an image is not a feeling. I remember what you feel like, and that can’t be captured, and won’t be forgotten. I know how it feels to kiss the top of your head, I know how it feels when you nuzzle your head in my neck. Those things I won’t forget.
Here I am again to let you know I love you, right now and always,
Beauty is subjective. Everyone eyes sees beauty as something different. This isn’t about being the most beautiful girl in the world- this is about being the most beautiful to you. I love you. I wish you still loved me to.
How do I tell you I love you? Those words are so hollow compared to how I feel about you. I could pour over many languages and not find enough words to convey the appropriate feeling. I surrender to you. I give you my heart; I’ve allowed you into my soul. I’ve laid everything I am, and everything I want to be at your feet. I trust you to take care of those things I hold most precious. I trust you because you’ve earned it. You’ve earned my faith. I will walk your path with perfect trust that your heart is big enough for both of us.
I have only lived to see 16 summers. Your smile has helped me get through the difficult stages of my life. There is a great distance that separates my hopes of our hearts beating as one, but when I am lucky enough to be by your side, the words never manage to leave my mouth. You have a girlfriend now, and you claim to love her. Every inch of my body, down to the last cell long for your company. Although I wish for you to be happy, she could never begin to understand or begin to comprehend half of burning passion I have for you in herself. I convinced myself that being friends with you was enough, but when you kissed me you gave me a taste of what I had been and are now missing out on ever since that memorable day. As I am writing this, I feel my heart beating in my ears as loud as parade drums.
I wish for you to be the one that I can hold eternally in my arms, and dedicate every moment of my one and only life to you. I wish to be your best friend, to make you return the smile that would be permanently indented on my face. I want to be the one to sit in a field watching the stars with you, and to hold your hand in marriage. To bear your child, and to grow old with you.
I want to mean something to you. The chances are low, but if you are somehow reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. My soul is forever dedicated to you, and it will be here for as long as you are finding your path.
If ever, for some reason you find out your girlfriend isn’t the one, I will be waiting.
I love you Jack. This is for the times that I have tried to tell you but could not scrape out the words. If you read this I hope you know it’s me, Jodie.
If GOD took away the beauty on your face, the grace in your walk, or the sweet melody you lips played for my ears whenever we talked.
The essence of what remained still wouldn’t change the feelings I have for you that seem to drive me insane.
Sometimes I’m not fully aware of how much I LOVE YOU until my mind rewinds time and I realize all the things I wouldn’t place above you.
Although I’m not in love, I feel loving someone is stronger anyways. Its painful knowing the warm sunlight of our friendship has turn into a cold shade.
Our conversations have went away, and it seems like being your acquaintance is here to stay It got to the point that if life served you a plate full of problems I’d take bites for you.
If dark times were ahead, by your side I’d hold the light for you Truth be told, I’d put my feelings on hold just to be tight with you.
My feelings were bold, which gave you a heavy load and maybe that wasn’t right for you I understand you got a man that has brought love to a new height for you.
So understand as a man the best thing I can do is stay out of sight for you I hope what your reading mean more than just words.
I wish happiness in your life and please don’t’ settle for anything you don’t feel you deserve.
A simple task is all I ask, if I end up calling you hang up the phone.
If I say hi to you in public yell “Leave me the f*ck alone” I have no negative feelings towards you, you haven’t done anything wrong.
But on the way is a new year, a new gear, and I’m just trying to move on You once told me to “keep things simple,” well its obvious I don’t know how.
So I’m saying goodbye, maybe not forever, but definitely for now.
Here’s the deal. You love me, you say you have for a long time. You say that nobody else compares to me and you write me poems that I’ve seen but haven’t read because you won’t give your permission. I love you, too, but not the way you want me to. I had a crush on you a long time ago, but that can’t be revived. I’m sorry. Here’s the honest truth. I’m afraid of being yours. I’m afraid we would never be able to return to what we have now. I’m afraid of being in a committed relationship. But I have a few things to point out. You are just 18. I am just 17. You don’t know who you are. You look to me like I’m the end-all-be-all only-good-great-fantastic thing in the world, like I’m perfect. We both know I’m not. And that I’ll never be. That no one ever is. And love is about seeing people’s flaws, knowing how truly bad they are, and still wanting them in your life. Often because you see their flaws. Because your flaws and theirs match up and make everything suddenly fall into place and you think, My God, I am not alone, I am alone and it’s okay, the world could end and all would be right because I know now that this exists, I can face anything, oh how beautiful and tragic. I don’t know if you even know a one-millionth of my flaws.
Here’s the deal. I love you. I love you just the right amount to know how much it hurts you to not have me. I know how much I would have to give back to make your life fall suddenly into place, and I know that it would be next to nothing, which makes me feel crummy. I know you’d treat me well. I also know that I couldn’t stay with you. That we are young and you would grow apart from you and me would try to fix everything with patches of lies, not to me, but to yourself. I can’t consent to such a one-sided relationship. I know how much it would damage you to have me and then have to give me up. I will not put you through that. I can’t watch you do that, and I certainly can’t take part in it. I will love you for the rest of our lives. We’ll move to different cities, states, maybe countries. You are irreplaceable. Utterly. And I hope that someday when you have found the real true love of your life, she and you and I can talk about all of this and laugh. And hopefully you will forgive me and realize that this is the best thing I can do, to love you as I love a brother. There is nothing truer.
So all these love letters are really poetic, but you know I’m not really that type of girl. I don’t know you yet, but someday I will, and there’s so much I want you to know and want to tell you. There’s so much I want to do with you. Love, it isn’t something I’ve ever felt romantically before. I know you are going to have to be extremely special to open me up and have me consider you. And I probably won’t tell you how I feel as often as I should. But the truth is I know I will love you so much, so infinitely, that it will be overwhelming even to myself. I am so excited to meet you, love. You have no idea.
I have been very happy to write this because I have seen in while I am searching for someone else help to make my girl friend happy and back to me. She was so happy with me and my style how I am presenting with her. She always kept on appreciating me and I am proud to find such a girl who understand me, share me all what she felt and many more. Once I have asked her to let me a kiss she ignored and told me just to kiss her on chick, yet did that and no more. I have been invited on her birthday and I gave her many present on her birthday. She was so happy to receive them. I express my love feelings on the gift I have gifted to her. At that day I again asked her for kiss and this time also she refused and I didn’t try any more instead I feel sad and regret myself that why I asked to her as I was already known about the fact that she couldn’t let me do that. After some hour later when I have leaved away from her. I wrote her message asking to forgive me about that event. She respond me she didn’t mind any more and she replied me that you have expressed me a lot of love feeling, I don’t under estimate you but I need some time to decide it. Then after she stopped communicating with me. I have called and messaged her many time but she didn’t reply. Finally I received a message that she has decided not to make any contact with me any more because she find that it was not possible for me just to be a friend. Although she has accepted my purpose while I first purposed her that I love her, she accepts it very happily. But later on I came to know that she has been in relationship for three years and she didn’t tell me that secret, and her relationship was very critical in last three months and she didn’t get any message and call from her boy friend yet. I love her but after knowing this I have sympathy towards her rather than to make relation as partner. She was not in contact now days but I have done all those things just to make her happy, I can very easily live without her but just want to make her clear about the things and wants to suggest her I didn’t like the way you have presented with me. You can be far from me simply telling me the fact but I don’t know why she prefers that way. So, I need a suggestion how to write her so that she realized her she had done mistake and came for talk and come for negotiation. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you in advance.
Just face it; I’m crazy, stupidly in love with you. You can make me feel like I mean the world to you. You can also treat me like I’m nothing to you. You have the ability to make and break my day with just a few words. You make me feel like I’m a little kid, like you need to protect me. You make me feel like a woman, like I’m actually important. I want nothing more than to marry you, to spend my life with you. You are my everything, now I have nothing. I’d give anything for you to just love me, actually care about me. I’m just another option. Some random girl to mess around with when you’re bored. I’m clingy, jealous, stubborn… but some part of you loved me, a little bit at least. I could die and you wouldn’t care, or get pregnant and you wouldn’t even get jealous. I can’t just get over you, or anything dealing with you. I care. And maybe too much. I need you. Flat out NEED you. You’re basically a part of me, at least a major part of my life. The really sad thing? I could probably easily replace you. But I can’t, won’t, I refuse to. It wouldn’t be you. Nobody could come close to how much I love you. I feel stupid because you probably just think that I’m just for your entertainment that you can do whatever you want to me because I’ll think that you actually love me. But then you’d just be gone again. There’s days when life seems stupid, worthless, pointless. Days when I want to crawl in a hole and die. I wouldn’t be missed, I’d be doing everybody a favor, especially you. You’d love that. Me being out of your life for good. Dream come true, killing myself over you. With every ounce of my being, I love you.
I still remember the first time I saw you. I was in my free period, working on the homework due that very day, when I overheard the teacher on duty talking to someone behind me, as if letting them know how everything worked around the school and where the classes were. I turned my head and there you were. Looking intently at the teacher. Trying to get every word she said just in case you forgot a single thing. I could barely catch a proper glance at you; all I could see was your profile. I followed you with my eyes as you sat down three spots away and emptied your bag with your necessary supplies. To make matters worse, I had bad eyesight and still couldn’t see you properly across the room. I decided to let it go, supposing I would have time to learn what ‘the new girl’ was like. The day dragged on, and as I reached my last period language class, I realized you coincidentally had the same class as me. Now, this class barely consisted of about seven students, including me. We usually split in two different groups, yet you decided to sit with us even though the other group had more students from your own class section. I was thrilled. I could finally see you face to face. And as you sat down, you took my breath away. That messy, elbow-length, curly chocolate brown hair with blue and purple highlights thrown here and there. That snow-white, nearly translucent, flawless skin generously decorated with sweet and light freckles all around. That adorable set of baby pink lips that looked as soft as clouds.
Yet those eyes. Those eyes, which simply danced on their own, who bewitched me, pulling every fiber of my body into them. Those eyes, so heavily lined with black pencil which only made their magical colors pop out even more: a delightful mix between bold ochre brown, graceful timber-wolf gray, and gentle chartreuse green. They overwhelmed me. And there we sat in front of you, all three of us, watching you, examining the new girl with the beautiful eyes, whispering little exclamations of “You tell her!” and “No, YOU tell her!” once we all agreed they were amazing. I believe I was the one who ended up saying it first. You smiled sheepishly, nodded, thanked me, and shyly looked back down at your work. You looked adorable.
As your first week passed by, you wandered around, trying to become friends with anyone. You tried looking for a place to be yourself. As your first month passed by, we let you in to our group of friends, since that was the group in which you felt the most comfortable with. You believed that our school had ridiculous cliques and groups and labels and that everything one did would be criticized badly by everyone. You found your own little spot with us, and fit in immediately. As your first year passed by, you became even fonder of us and started going out with us to town and such. We became the best of friends. We then realized you were the missing puzzle piece in our friend group: the rock n’ roll rebel. You always did whatever you felt like doing, not caring about anyone else’s opinions or critiques. It made you reckless, disastrous, silly, and carefree. I couldn’t help but to have fallen for such a mess like you. I was in love before I even knew it.
Now I only spend my days longing for you to love me back, as much as I love you. I want you to know how much I truly care about you. How I would go to the end of the world and back, just for you. Yet I wish I was as carefree and brave as you. I am also a girl, after all, and I’m very much afraid of your reaction if you find out about my true feelings. I’m scared of what our friendship would turn into if I told you. Would it become awkward? Distant? Or even worse, non-existent? I can only sit here and wish. Long. Dream.
I don’t know if I can chalk the past up to being young and naive, which supposedly breeds the type of love we had. Regardless, four years have passed since we had our run at that beautiful, turbulent peace. I still think of you everyday. I moved away from our hometown to “save” myself, so to speak. Because every nook and cranny of that desert town seemed to hold a piece of what we shared, what we promised would be “forever and ever, no matter what.” I couldn’t bear to run into you anymore, whether it was a memory of you crawling through a familiar place – or the real thing… the real you. You turned into this almost mythical creature, this imaginary being that tormented me. So when you were really there, I couldn’t stand to wave and smile. I always felt like breaking down into a million little pieces. You always had me shaking. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy for feeling so broken and damaged with you gone, even after so long. To save myself the worry I tell myself I feel this way because what we had was truly something all encompassing and almost magical. Writing this, I am frustrated because no string of words seems to be able to surmount to the truth of it. Our story is that of a tear jerking fairy tale. It continues to be something I cannot describe to do it any justice – and maybe that is because I cannot fully understand what it was. I just know that I still carry you with me after all this time, and no one has ever been able to beat you out of my head – no one has ever held a candle to “us” and so I continue to try, and give up on these men that beg me to let them into my heart. I hope you know through all of the mania we endured together, you never left my center – in that pristine daydream I keep you in. I meant it when I said forever, I know that now. Even without hearing your voice, feeling you close, or knowing you’re there – I can’t pry you off this pedestal I’ve unknowingly built. You’re with me always, I promise you this. And I accept that some love stories are different than others, I am just lucky to be able to say I loved you once – with everything a human being is capable of giving. And now, it is not so bad to settle for being in love with a memory.
You’re the only person that can make my heart smile the way that it does when I see you, still after all this time. I was so ecstatically happy when you took an interest in me. In me, a young, ordinary girl and you were an older, out-of-my-league regular. I was smitten, you could do no wrong. Till you did, you hurt me so much that I never thought I could talk to you again. I was so young and you treated me like muck, do you know how much you damaged me? I was humiliated. I was so angry, and hated you. Until you talked your way back into my heart and once again, I fell for your charm. We were so alike, and got on so well. But again, like clockwork, I was wrong about you and you broke me. But as I grew stronger I realized your game, and I got wise to you. You had girlfriends and I acted like I didn’t care, I could twist you round my little finger – you deserved it. But I suppose I’m not that strong. Any other boy who treated me the way you did, they would be dead to me – but not you. Even now, after all the hurt you put me through when I was so naive and young, when you get in touch after one of your crappy relationships has broke down you could still make my heart soar just like the very first time.
You’re my best friend… or I thought you were. You told me that you loved me, that you wanted to be mine. You were my first real love. Do you remember the first time we met? I do, grade eight Mr. Woolsey’s class. Remember he was the teacher you told to bite you. God I never laughed so hard. That was six years ago now, six long years I have been in love with you.
For six fucking years I have watched you date guys who don’t treat you right, I have listened to you cry heard you say that you just want someone who would treat you right. You said that as I sat next to you, you may have just punched me in the chest that day. I fucking love you the first time you kissed me was the first time I ever felt complete. You were the first person I ever thought I could really love. And when we graduated you promised me that it wouldn’t change, you promised me that I would always have you But look now, I’m here writing this to you, wondering what your doing today. Wondering why the magic from that kiss had to go away. Part of me blames your new friends and your boyfriend. After all nothing was wrong between us until you met them. But I know it’s not all their faults. I could have -should have- tried to hold onto you harder, tried to fix things between us Maybe if I hadn’t -didn’t still- love you like this I could have been a better friend.
Please don’t forget me. That’s all I want from you. Is for you to remember what we once had… I love you M
You saved me from myself, there was more than one night, when I felt like giving up that I just thought of what the pain would do to you and that is what stopped my hand, YOU are why I’m still alive today. And maybe someday as the fates allow it you will be back in my life and I will be able to tell you. Until then, just remember I’m here if you need me in any way.
I feel as if I have been in love with you since our freshman year. I don’t know what it was that told me to chase after you. Maybe it was your pretty face, or your beautiful eyes. I tried my hardest to gain your trust as a close friend, and its definitely worked because now were best friends. You’re one weird girl, but that’s what separates you from the rest of the world. Its what makes you so sweet, and also what makes your personality complete. The only reason why I didn’t go after you then is because I thought it was a little crush that I would get over in a few weeks. When I left California in the summer, you were all I thought about for the entire year that I stayed with my grandmother in Seattle, Washington. Where we come from isn’t the best nor the safest place to live, and I could have built a better life for myself in Seattle, but I decided to come back to California just to be with you. I didn’t have many close friends at our high school, but I still returned there. Just for you. I moved to a somewhat safer part of the Bay Area, and I could have easily went to the nearest public high school, but I want to travel the 3 miles to see your beautiful face at school everyday. When I finally returned to California, I felt like things would be weird, but things had actually gotten better. Now I feel like my love for you grows as I see you everyday during the school week. Because we are in 11th grade, I understand that you’re not always available especially with the advanced classes were both taking this year, but it kills me that I usually don’t get to see you until 3:30, the end of the school day Mon-Fri. I honestly don’t think you’ll ever understand the feeling I get on those rare occasions when I see you in the hallways before the end of the school day. Especially when we get out of school early on Wednesdays, because I get to be around you for an extra two hours 🙂 The average student who doesn’t like school, but doesn’t dislike it either leaves school at 3:30. I actually hate school, but I stay at school until 5:30 just so I can be with you. It doesn’t seem like much, but those 2 hours a day adds up, and at the end of the week I’ve spent 10 more hours with you than without you, so I’m happy. I have a feeling that you liked me when I left the school in 9th grade summer, but during my absence, your feelings went away. Now that I’m back, if we didn’t flirt from time to time, I’d say that I’m 100% positive that the feelings are gone. You’re on my mind when I awake, as well as when I go to sleep at night. The only reason why I don’t say that you’re in my dreams is because I don’t have dreams. Maybe its because my mind is constantly focused on you. Ever since you got so busy this year, we haven’t been able to hang out as much, which is where the other girl comes in.
You’re the weirdest girl I’ve ever met, but I mean that in the most loving and caring way. We met when a mutual friend of ours introduced us while I was in 8th grade. 9th grade year, you were my girlfriend for a short period of time. The only reason why I let you go is because you were so sweet, and I wasn’t really into relationships so I let you go to prevent hurting you. This was the first mistake. A month later, I was looking for a girlfriend because I had gotten tired of seeing other friends with them. I know that’s a stupid reason to have a girlfriend, but hey I was really young. We stopped talking for a while when I moved to Seattle for 10th grade, and when I returned to California, I asked you out again but you were skeptical. Whatever happened between us still confuses me, but this time around lasted longer than the first and things were going good, but they fell apart. Whatever mistake I made letting you go for the SECOND time, I truly regret it. I tried to stop thinking about you, and it didn’t really work because you still ran through my thoughts every other day or two. Eventually I just decided to let the “best friend” thing start up because I guess I was your best guy friend? Whatever. Months later, its now January and we are really close friends and you tell me everything, including the new guys you like/want to date. You probably think it doesn’t bother me at all, but in fact the complete opposite is true. It hurts me whenever you bring up another guy, but I guess I did this to myself.
I love both of these girls a lot as friends/best friends. I think I love them as more than that, but what makes me so unsure is that I don’t think if it were true love, I would feel this way about two different people, but what do I know? I’m only a 16-year-old boy with a sensitive heart, and strong feelings for both of his best friends that have no idea how I feel about them. The reason why I don’t talk to the first girl is because she is really the best friend I’ve ever had, and honestly I hate to admit it but if things got awkward or whatever and I lost her, I would cry. Cry everyday, maybe multiple times a day. I need her to keep me going through other stuff that has nothing to do with love. I really really doubt that the second girl would take me back for a THIRD time. I am 99.99999% sure she’s lost all feelings that were there because about a month ago, she said something about me kind of being like a brother. The only reason why I say there’s a 0.000001% chance that I believe there are feelings still there is because she invited me to the movies with her and her friend, and the friend didn’t show up and we still had a pretty good time there. She said something about biting my cheek, so I’m not sure if she was giving me a hint, or if she was just being her weird self. It’s very possible that this is in fact infatuation, but I don’t know. I’m just a kid. If what I feel for at least one of them isn’t love, then I don’t know what the f— love is.
I like that shit.
You’re brilliant, you’re a sweetheart, and one of the funniest people I know, which is saying something. You always calm me down when I hit cars. I’ve hit multiple cars. Basically, you were my first kiss, and I’m really mean to you, and you knew this already. This isn’t poetry, just one weird Florida swamp girl in love with another, and I hope wherever we go there’s your fingers’ feeling for me.
Dear Best Friend,
You are pretty wonderful. You’re going to the moon, the stars, and going to find out exactly what comes after. Do you remember when we heard Conor Oberst’s answer to what he thinks happens after we die? He said he didn’t know, and it pissed him off. I like that kind of anger. And you know what, if anyone finds out what happens, it’ll be you. I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but I know I mean it. Stay happy. Don’t let anyone stop you from being free.
You feel as if no one understands you. You express this to me quite often. You send me your writings and I understand each sentence. I wish you knew how much they mean to me, how much you mean to me. I understand you darling. I could only dream of expressing these same thoughts but I somehow can’t manage to find the right words. You are so beautiful and you don’t even know. I’ve only spent one night next to you and we didn’t even touch, but I will never forget the chills I got just listening to you breathe. Most of the time you are miles away and when you are near it’s never near to me. You made a promise we would be in each other’s lives more often. You never quite keep these promises but they still mean so much to me. I know everything would crumble if you were mine and its best we keep distance but I still can’t help but to think of you more than a person behind these heart stabbing words. You pour salt in my wounds yet somehow manage to make life seem real and manageable. I don’t know how you do this to me but I would feel empty if I lost you.
When you smile, I smile. I love it when you look at me with those beautiful eyes of yours. I love it when you smile. Your laughter is like a beautiful melody to me. I could always reply your voice in my mind a million times. I feel happy just thinking of you.