Love Letter

The moment I knew I was falling for you was back in March when we started talking. I remember you standing against the lockers waiting for me to leave English. I saw you and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world knowing that you where waiting for me. You made up some excuse for not having your phone which was met by my eye rolls because of course I was skeptic of you, I was insecure of myself and of our status as you where a year older and undeniably cool. I remeber it was raining as we walked out the doors under the covered awnings you apologized for being so distant. I didn’t know what to say and I just walked off without a goodbye into the pouring rain, running to my bus parked all the way across the parking lot. But then I heard your voice shouting my name from the other side of the parking lot. There you were standing in the middle of the pouring rain in the midst of all those people with your pockets pulled out revealing that they where totally empty. “Promise ya” you shrugged your hair now flat against your forehead, clothes drenched I couldn’t help but give you my best optimistic grin and you returned letting the smile break across your face like the dawn breaking against the inky night. Since you’ve been gone though, it feels like I’m just standing there in the rain, but this time you just won’t turn around. Like you can’t see how patiently I’m waiting for you to realize that I’ve been here, and I always will be here because I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else except waiting for you. Counting down the seconds until I get to see your brown eyes like flairs out against the dark night beckoning me home.

The thing about it is I know we aren’t supposed to work. I know that I’m supposed to let you melt into oblivion and dispute into a foggy memory, but I can’t do that. I physically can’t just let you go like I’ve been told. You’re so alive. You’re so ridiculously alive, and you embrace your mortality like no one I’ve ever met though you build your walls up so high. You’re this modern day muse I’ve stumbled upon, and without you my poetry is bland and devoid of meaning. I know that we shouldn’t be together though, I know that your obsession with drugs and your defiance of any and all rules and lack of concern aren’t good or healthy. That you’re fixation with destruction always leads us to the same conclusion. I’ve gotten you stuck in my teeth and trapped in my head. The thought of you getting high in your room all alone makes my chest feel tight, and thinking about you kissing a different girl goodnight makes me want to jump from the top of my roof just to land in your arms. Everyone tells me to just leave you alone but I can’t, trust me I wish I could. Most days it feels like I’m drowning, but when you come around, oh god when you come around the suns shining and everything is clear and bright and restored. When you come around I want to take you dancing and make you realize that you are everything.

We both know it gets harder, and we grow older, and I never really see you when you’re sober. Everything just leads me back to you though. I have to believe that this is love because why else would I do it? Why else would I jump every time the phone rings because I’m scared it’s one of your friends telling me you aren’t okay? Why would I stay up all night waiting for you to tell me you’re home safe? Why would I repeatedly let myself get heartbroken, stood up, and let down? Crying in the B-hall bathroom in between classes, and in the parking lot before school. I’ve made some bad choices because of you, sometimes I can still see that grey Honda and his black leather seats, feel his hand sliding up my thigh to “get back at you.” I still can hear his voice telling me if I don’t smoke you won’t love me. I still remember the initial phone call that you where cheating on me and did I know that you’d been doing pills again? Did I know that you broke your wrist in a fight and you that you’d smashed your phone when you where high?

It’s not that I’m trying to fix you perhaps, it’s just that I don’t want to see you get hurt which sounds tacky and cliche, but you’ve got to believe me. You’re worth so much more then red eyes, and confusion, and phone calls you don’t remember making. You’re worth more then a few hundred dollars and bad decisions to get a buzz. It’s still surreal to me that you exists, that someone as perfect as you came into being, and is breathing the same air as me, and struggling with the same things that I am. I remember telling you about my parents splitting up and my mom cheating on my dad to have you tell me about your dad running away and your moms depression. How you didn’t understand how he could just leave you two, how you remember his green suitcase and instructions not to ring. I still remember you telling me how you’d make things up to me- but you still never have and I’m staring to think you never will.

I remember one night being out late with my mom, driving back with her from her boyfriends house when no one was out and her telling me that you need to be 100% sure when you take a risk that it has the possibility to be worth it. I know that it’s worth it for you. Skipping class and walking the track, taking your picture in the backset, the prospect of kissing those angel lips, the way your voice sounds on the phone, dancing with you to “medicine,” standing with you out on the balcony, wearing your green jacket. There’s not a single fiber of my being, not a single beat of my heart that conflicts with the thought that you are worth it, all of it. You’re worth crying over to “7,” that day of in school suspension, you’re worth the band aids on my legs from falling off a skate board because I was trying to impress you. You’re worth getting bailed on, you’re worth the worry. I don’t care if I’m the only girl from high school that’s still in love with you as long as I’m the last. I don’t care how many friends I lose, how many plans I get left out of. I don’t care what I’ve got to lose.

Cause someday somewhere in the future in this life time it will be perfect. I’ll have you cuddled up against me as the sun rises out our apartment window and the sky starts turning all different shades of pink and orange, bathing us in light and the prospect of a new day. I’ll have your nicotine lips, I’ll have you in art galleries and in concerts, and in coffee shops, and in quiet moments dancing aorund the kitchen. Trust me I know it’s been 28 days but I’d spend 28 years waiting for you and this future that we’re going to create. Some day somewhere out there we’re happy, we’re together. We made at work, and we’re far away from this town and I’ve stopped doing all those things my friends beg me not to do because all along it was only ever for you.

Anxiety

Anxiety. Being afraid of being afraid of something you know it does not make sense to be afraid of.

Anxiety. Replaying conversations over in your head for days after because you know you sounded like an idiot & the person you we’re talking to will probably never want to speak to you again.

Anxiety. Being afraid of any small thing, good & bad, your body feels because the bad feelings mean you are dying & the good feelings are your body readying you for your swift death.

Anxiety. Staying up sun rise to moon set because you had a dream that was definitely a premonition & something catastrophic is sure to happen if you close your eyes.

Anxiety. The destroyer of worlds.

Most everyone has suffered from anxiety at one point or another but it isn’t spoken of out if fear of sounding foolish or being brushed away.

Don’t let your anxiety over your anxiety keep you from reaching out. We’re here. to listen. We’re here to help. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Love Letter

Until you came and swept me away,
I taught myself not to fall in love again.

The unexplained feelings that cannot deny.
Feelings getting stronger that even genie cannot hide.

It’s like a knife strike into my chest,
Leaving a sadness that I cannot resist.
What am I supposed to do,
When all I want is to be with you.

-Eden Victoria Paladias

Love Letter

I was just sitting here thinking about how much I love you. I love you so much that if I tried to really write how much I love you, I would be constantly writing for the rest of my life.

You bring out so much in me that I’m just beginning to see. It’s like when we are together, the rest of the world disappears, and nothing else matters but us. I hope I feel this way forever. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you with everything I have to give. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve someone as loving as you are. Do you know how long I have waited to have someone like you in my life?

It wasn’t luck that brought us together. You are a blessing to me and I wouldn’t trade the way I feel about you for anything in this world. You are the reason why I smile. You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up every morning, and you are the last thing I think about every night before I close my eyes, but our time together doesn’t end there because you are the only thing I dream about. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you if you will allow me to. Nothing is too much to give you. I feel that if you’re not happy, then the world needs to stop until you are!

Baby, I just want to thank you for loving me like you do, and I am forever in your debt, just for you being good to me. You know, it is strange how I had to go through so many bad situations before you came into my life. I guess it really is true when they say good things come to those who wait because I’ve waited for someone like you all my life, and you really are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I just want you to know that I love you so much, and I want to be with you till death do us part! I love you, Baby Girl!

I Will Keep Waiting For You

I sometimes wonder what you’re doing, or whether you are thinking of me, like I’m thinking of you. I have been thinking of you for 20 years, since the day I was born, really.

You have been elusive to me in so many ways but, because none of my objects of infatuation turned out to be you, I feel as if life sometimes may have fooled me, yet I know you are out there. I mean, how could I have seen your face and still overlooked you? Or how could I have heard your voice utter words and not have found anyone that sounded like you? Are you in the stars every time I look up? Of course you are. You are the clouds in the skies, the songs the bird sing every morning. You are everywhere, really. I know you are real. I just constantly wonder why I have not found you yet.

Why haven’t I been able to say all that I want, show you all that I am, and give you all I have now? Why is time making us wait so long? We don’t know, because this is a factor beyond our control. I will always love you, Darling, and when we finally find each other, it will be God’s greatest reward.

So, wherever you are, know that I love you and you will be the one that lurked passionately in my dreams. Know that I am always longing for you and your presence. Know that you will always be everything to me. Even though I have not yet met you yet, I love you, my spirit lover.

Parade

You ask if I’m getting out if bed today, with attitude, as if I am the laziest person alive. Yes, I am getting out of bed today & I want a fucking parade because it will take every ounce of me to step out of that bed & to put my feet on the floor. It will take every ounce of me to fake my existence with perfectly timed smiles & pretending to sneeze when I feel water burning behind my eyeballs. It will take every ounce of me to keep up with conversations while working so hard to detangle the black thoughts that haunt my mind. I deserve a fucking parade.

Without

Tell me, do the androids seriously dream of electrical sheep? If not, then why do I dream so? You do not hear me. Every part of me has conjured up everything that can to tell you I’m sorry. I’m not crafty enough? The exhaustion has made me question my life. So I go forth with the equipment I have. As do you. I am no shining armor. Who has time to clean? I just wished you fought the fire with me, douche bag.

Within the void.
Robbie.

Love Letter

Words mean nothing. They are hollow. Everywhere I am constantly reminded of memories. Everywhere I look- trees, school, children, look that’s my mom – and all the memories of her, dad and all the experiences I’ve had with him. Have you ever ‘thought’ what your life is without memories, without labels, without experiences of the past, without past judgement and prejudice and feelings. Do you know what love is? What is love? What is it? In my experiences of the past I’m trapped, in the labels I cannot see clearly at the thing that I’m actually looking at. All the memories distort and contort it. My life becomes smothered by the memories of the past. And in realising this, this fact, I become a little more free. I am starting to see the real facts. How my perception is always wrong, just how conditioned(?) I am. When you go in to this, a lot of painful memories come back to you, even all the memories that have hurt you since your childhood start to come in. The accumulation of knowledge and memories is so great that I don’t see the things clearly. That fact is very obvious to me now. I see it. It’s like I’m blind. We all live this don’t we? But why? It’s such a pattern in our life- a habit, but it’s so so limited. It keeps us in constraints, I feel trapped in its monotony, its limited meaning which holds no meaning for me, because I’m not free. I’m not free of experiences and knowledge – they stifle me and life. I want freedom from this. I feel trapped, hidden, something inside me is dormant and intensely alive – like life inside me. It’s beautiful. It’s what keeps “me” alive too. I am life. “My” life which is the same life in everything else -intense but still and patient.

I don’t know what or why I wrote, it doesn’t have any significance for anyone who doesn’t understand any way. And I don’t know if anyone really does understand any of this. Again words are hollow and meaningless. Only thing of value is yourself. I go through life day in and day out in a pattern of thinking and feeling- all of which are my experiences and past always and in them I find ‘you’. You’re like an accumulation of all the knowledge I have about you so far. I think that’s horrible. That’s not you, or anyone. I know for fact that words will never really grasp you. (I know you hate talking and reading so much and rather just get on with your life and do what you like, but maybe one day if you ever really look, for yourself, you might find your own answers) I don’t hope for you, I don’t wish anything, the fact is I don’t know you at all, and what I mean by that is this- I see and look at you and see one thing- that thing that everyone sees as you- it’s quite natural- you’re either busy doing some work or something. Then I look closer, and maybe it’s your face or something almost superficial like that that keeps my eyes lingering around your face- I look closer. My thoughts interpret what I see. I label you with words and associate feelings towards ‘you’ and to me that’s you in my mind. I know full well that’s not really you. Because you are made of many other things that you identify as yourself and you have desires for your future, some image of who you are, and what you want, your past and all that. And even then, that’s not you because you are not the labels you put on yourself. It’s a bit like pulling back layers to get to ‘you’. So, I hope you get why I don’t know you. You will keep transforming and changing your labels and peel back layers here and there. But it’s like the main essence (life- is that what you would call it?) remains there. If there’s one thing I can say ‘I love’ or ‘is love’ is that- that life. And that’s you, and that’s me and that’s really everything. It’s intense but quiet and very patient. Maybe I’ll write more, but I don’t know when. I’m tired of thinking and writing right for now.

I know this makes little sense, buts that’s okay, I don’t expect nor want anyone to understand what I’m saying. I know some parts of this are true, maybe it’s just that I can’t express my thoughts clearly. Perhaps you need to go into this yourself and not be lead by what I have to say- maybe then you will make some sense of this.