Love Letter

Last night I went out to dinner with my new friend. We went to this Chinese place by my old house; it felt like fall and I had on my denim jumper and my Adidas. We sat in the back booth and we were talking about anything and everything and then we got to the subject of you. Of course it was inevitable, anywhere I go or anyone I ever talk to, it always comes back to you.

We were sitting there bantering and she was saying how much she hates you and how you’re just a cheater, and a prep, and I should cut my hair since you always told me you loved it long and I should forget about the year and a half that made us who we are. I sat there in silence as she reduced you to just a few adjectives, until she ran out of things to accuse you of. Then I started talking.

And I still don’t really know where it all came from.

But I told her everything. One by one the bricks started to tumble down until all of my pallasades where nothing but piles of rubble at my feet. Meeting you for the first time, football games, kissing you at Christmas, seeing you after being in New Jersey for two weeks finally, holding your hand, the little parties at my house we’d have with all our friends, the way you’d spend all night up a prisoner to your insomnia, but you’d fall asleep with me every morning on the way to school, our limbs entangled, listening to your breath become even as the sun would start to rise creating little patterns on your skin that I’d aimlessly trace.

I divulged all the “I love you’s” all the “we shouldn’t do this” all of everything. The flurry of excitement, the butterflies, crying on my bedroom floor, too weak to even make it to the sheets. Too weak to even disguise the puffy eyes I’d be left with the next morning. I got up to the summer, all the things I’d done to you all the hell I put you through. That 3 am phone call when I was alone on the beach, hearing about boys whose names I’d forget but whose taste would linger, hearing me tell you about staying out all night just to wake up on the beach, going to random parties with people I met an hour before. The more I talked I could see her face changing, her expression softening. I’m not sure if she understood but as I raced through the story of you answering my call begging me to get home safe, the explosive fights we’d get into when someone started acting like they didn’t care enough and the awkward silence that would follow when someone would admit that they cared too much, the way you’d hug me from behind and cover my eyes, the things my mom said about how much she loved you. I watched as it all tumbled out in front of me.

Then I got to that Sunday night. I got to “I’m in love with you.” Even though it was wrong, even though you had a girlfriend, even though I wasn’t supposed to care anymore, even though I was strong and brave and independent. The excuses I made, the fronts I put up. How I locked the door and threw away the key. The secrets I kept, not telling you about my parents divorce, or the real reason I didn’t want to see you anymore, and why I was always yelling at you. How I didn’t tell you that in November you were my world and in December you where my galaxy and by January I was just floating in outer space because I was so hopelessly caught up in you that things like oxygen and gravity seemed totally irrelevant.
I told her about that night, when I came clean after we screamed at each other in front of your girlfriend, about how I cried in the stadium bathroom and the next day when my shaky hands typed out those three words, “I love you,” not like a friend, or your best friend that you sometimes kiss, or “your girl,” but as I love you.

Then I had to tell her that you didn’t say it back.

That instead you asked me if I could spend my whole life with you. If I could give it all up, England, traveling the world, my career as a journalist, following random bands on tour. If I could settle down, if I’d have your children, if I could be your future.

Then I had to tell her I said no.

I told her about the bone crushing sadness that ensused. About the seven text messages on my phone that have gone unanswered, about how I’m tripping over my shoelaces trying to race ahead of you and change. How I threw away all of our old polaroids together and your ID tag from freshman year that I’d tease you about, how I can’t even look at any of our old friends, how I’m going to cut my hair. How I started listening to more Led Zeppelin, and shopping at Goodwill, and had to make all new friends, and now I’m a vegetarian again and at this point I was crying because you know I don’t know what point I’m trying to prove, or to who, but I’m really in love with you and I’m trying my absolute hardest to get away from you.

But I can’t.

Cause it’s like crashing your car and then realizing you need to drive somewhere to get help.

You told my old best friend that you wanted to talk to me about getting over me. That you tried to talk to your girlfriend, but she just got frustrated and anyways she didn’t look at you the same. She didn’t listen the same.

I’m not sure what there is to get over though. I know I’ve been cold, I know I’ve been distant. I know that it’s been over two months since we’ve talked cause yeah, I’m counting. I know that lately I’ve been different and I’m still listening to bands you’ve never heard of except I don’t take the time to tell you about them anymore, and I don’t smile as much anymore even though I’m trying, and I avoid riding the bus just so I don’t have to see you, and I flirt with that stoner junior boy in your Algebra 2 class all the time just so he talks about me in front of you.

But I don’t get why that matters to you.

Cause at the end of the day I’m the one that’s in love with you.

See, when I asked you what this meant, what you wanted to do I got silence. I got read at 1:02 am. I got to see you kiss her in the hallway, I got to hear “he’s asking about you again,” I got to hear from all of our friends that I was doing the wrong thing. That I owed you an explanation, that it wasn’t right to ignore you that this was killing you despite the fact that my blood was still all over your hands from the last time you shot me in the chest.

Part of me thinks it’s because you love me too.

Part of me believes them when they say we have what everybody spends their lives searching for. That you care about me more then anybody ever will, that I’m everything to you. That you’re just scared because I make you wonder, that there’s no guarantee with me. That I don’t think things through and I’m impulsive and that scares you. That you’re just scared of the butterflies casue they always felt more like bees. That you like comfortable, you like planned futures and white picket fences. You don’t like Tokyo one year and Manchester the next, you don’t like uncertainty.

But you love me anyways.

You can take my chipped black manicured hands in yours. You can take my panic attacks and crying episodes, you can take my commitment issues and big plans. That despite everything you’re the only person that’s ever really gotten through to me. You can talk me down when it’s 2 am and my finger is inches from the trigger. You can get me to put down the gun.

All of our friends say that no one else can evoke that from you. That I’m the only person that makes you start to second guess yourself, that doesn’t fit perfectly into your color-coded, alphabetically organized world. I was the first person you ever let color outside the lines, leave your bed unmade. The first person you ever let jeopardize this illusion of perfection you upheld so tightly. Maybe it’s because I’m the only person you can fall asleep with.The only one that you can justify stupid decisions, and ambivalence, and tripping down the steps cause you’re too busy trying not to lose sight of me.

But obviously you can’t love me that much. Maybe somewhere between “I love you” and “I’m in love with you” I got caught up and you never did. It’s just hard to hear “I love you” so many times and not start to believe it. You still have a girlfriend even if you tell me you love me each one comes with a silent “but not enough” that I neglected to hear over the course of that year.

But I remember when your friend died and you were crying on the phone to me.
I remember when you found out my parents were getting a divorce and I had kept it a secret for 7 months and you told my best friend nothing had ever hurt you worse.
I remember you meeting my family.

I remember all of our friends racing down my old street, the music you’d listen to, the way your smile would change throughout the day-soft and slow in the morning and like lightning in the afternoon.

I remember it all.

And I can’t tell if that’s good or bad. A reason to move on or a reason to hold on.
And I lay this out to her alongside her ramen noodles and sushi and she doesn’t know what to do with it because I don’t either.

She asks me if I talk in poetry and then she starts second guessing it. She starts talking about soul mates, and maybe I really do love you, and maybe we really are meant to be, and maybe I shouldn’t be ignoring you. And the next thing I know she’s calling you from some unknown number while I try to convince her that you don’t want to hear from me and I’m begging her to put the phone down because I couldn’t take the thought of you answering and I couldn’t handle the thought of you not caring enough to pick up.

But the call fails.

I know that it’s the bad reception in the restaurant. I know that it’s because we’re the very last booth in the whole place and that you can’t even send a text message let alone make a life altering call. But I’m the same girl that believes in astrology and has healing crystals on her windowsill. I still believe that it’s the universe’s way of telling me it’s unsure too. That it’s just as ambivalent as I am. That I’ll never know if you would have picked up on the first ring or declined on the third, if we would have been perfect for each other, or spent the next two years tearing each others lives apart.

My phone buzzes again, it’s a text from you asking if I called. Too lazy to try me back. It was then I realized that there was nothing to decide. That I’d be always be waiting for a phone call when I’d only ever get a text message. All I’d ever gotten was a few quick characters rife with abbreviations and spelling mistakes. That you hated the sound of your voice on the phone and you didn’t care about me enough to go through the discomfort of hearing it. That you’d put in some effort, but you’d never give me your all.

It was when I paid the check that I noticed for the first time in two months my hands didn’t shake. That night I went home and cut my hair and the long strands that you once adored wound up in my trash can. For the first time maybe since we met I did something with no intention of eliciting any response from you. Yes it’s uneven, yes I did it with safety scissors, yes some pieces in the back are longer than those in the front. It’s not perfect but at least you don’t see me the same.

-Samantha Sullivan

Love Letter

Good morning my lovely lady! 
And how’s the beautiful lady and the love of my life doing this morning? 
As always, I’m trusting that your morning has started off okay and it will progress into a very wonderful and productive day. How was your night my sweetness? I hope you slept well.
My night was amazing…..After messaging you,I lay in bed thinking about you,missing you so desperately and yearning to be close to you. I reminisce about you, about and us,our conversations (messaging included) and I couldn’t help wanting you in an intimate way.
I just wanted to be close to you where you are,wrapped up in your warm embrace being snuggled up next to you, enjoying your sweet kisses, Lost in time…
Wish it was you I fell asleep with last night instead of a stuff toy🙂
I couldn’t stop thinking about you,(not that I was even trying to.
I fantasize about pulling you close to me and kissing your sweet lips and you sucking on my tongue.
I get so turned on whenever I think about us sharing a kiss. 
I get so lost in your kisses. I love your kisses. I’m addicted to your kisses and that’s one  addiction I need no recovery from. I just want to feed it. 
Whenever we kiss You put me in a trance that I’m lost in a magical realm with you. I feel things I can’t even begin to explain. It feels like you’re kissing my soul and not my lips and in that instance I want to stay lost forever with no return to reality. I just want you to hold me then and never let go.
Damn woman, writing you about kissing me is leaving me next to breathless so let me stop and move on to something else. I LOVE YOU SWEETNESS.
Going back to our conversation last night…. Please let me reassure you of this one thing,”I will be there for you and with you always”. Only when the breath leaves my body will I leave you. 
I have told you before, YOU HAVE ME AND MY LOVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS AND I WILL FOREVER BE IN YOUR LIFE FOR AS LONG AS YOU’LL LET ME. EVEN IF YOU NO LONGER NEED ME I’LL STILL WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE. THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. I WANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE,WITH YOU ALWAYS.
I will NEVER EVER HURT YOU OR LEAVE YOU COME WHAT MAY.
I love you madly, deeply, unconditionally.
You to me are everything.  You are the only person I love in this world even far more than life itself. YOU ARE MY LIFE.I LIVE FOR YOU AND TO LOVE YOU.
I would sacrifice every and anything even my life for you life.
You are the woman who possesses my heart and rule my world. You are my queen to whom I bestow my immutable love.
I respect, adore, admire, cherish, and value you over every one and everything in life.
I put no other not even myself above or before you, not now, not ever.
All others are beneath you and forever will remain there.
You are who my heart beats and yearn for.
The only person I desire to share and spend my life with.
You are always on my mind because you’re etched in my thoughts and your name echoes in the beats of my heart.
I have only your best interest at heart and would never hurt you. I only want to please you and make you happy.
You are the woman of my dreams,all my fantasies and reality.
You are my world, my heart and soul.
I get butterflies whenever I see you and whenever I talk to you I can’t help smiling and blushing.
I want you, I need you, there isn’t any way I’m ever going to leave you. Good and bad times, just you and me.You’re all I’ll ever want,need and desire in this world.
You are the only one in my heart. Loving you fills my heart with happiness.
I smile cause I feel and see you,I cry cause I miss you and I worry when I don’t hear from you but most of all I sigh because I’m not with you.
When I’m with you nothing else matters in the world, you’re my life.
When you kiss me my heart leap and melt when you tell me you love me I melt and becomes putty in your hands.
When I sleep I dream of you,when I’m awake I think of you and when I die,I will die loving you.
You are the first thought of every morning, every thought in between and the last thought I have before falling asleep. 
I will follow wherever you lead. Even if it means losing my soul) and I forever want to be where you are.
Whenever you hurt in life I want to be there to console you,If you are never able to see the light, I will sit with you in the darkness. 
I rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.
I want to be your safe haven, your comfort zone.
You’re the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t give you up for anyone or anything in life. I will indeed love you till my last breath.
You are my special someone and always will be.
Well my beautiful lady,I could go on and on telling you what you mean to me and how I feel about you but if I do I’ll be sitting right where I am for days counting the ways and trying to put it in to words.
All I was merely trying to say is that the possibility of me hurting you and leaving you for anyone else do not and cannot exist with the way I feel about you.
What you and I have and share goes beyond the physical. We share a very deep, rare and special bond that nothing or any human being can ever come between or change and that’s the reality of you and I. Only death can separate me from you. So I will indeed love you to my last breath. Please don’t ever leave me and stay with me as I will you. NO MATTER WHAT.
I LOVE YOU CHARLENE NOW AND FOREVER MORE.  IN MY LIFE, YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE.
I look forward to hearing from you. You are in my every thoughts and will remain there throughout the day.
Keep enjoying your day my love and stay safe. 
My heart beats only for you.
LOVE ALWAYS,
Jessie 

Love Letter

Hey Gorgeous!

I Went to bed with my heart mellowed, a smile on my lips and you on my mind and I ended up dreaming about you also so I awake with even a much bigger smile on my face this morning :-):-)

You are truly,”MY LIFE!” And theres absolutely nothing in this world that could ever make me hurt you or stop loving you.

Last night I was so fascinated by our conversation… You just kept me laughing, smiling, giggling, blushing with the things you were saying.

I felt such closeness to you and I was so happy, still is🙂

Thanks alot for all the wonderful compliments you gave me,you sure battered me with flattery🙂 You melted me and my heart over and over again till all I could feel for you is adoration and love.

I am seriously lost in love with you and there’s no better place for me to be than physically with you and around you.

I am happy you are beginning to see me for who I am and the depths of my love for you (there’s so much more about me for you to see)

Last night when you said you can’t believe I’ve grown into the mature and smart young lady I am, I had to smile🙂

In your absence I’ve become that and so much more.
I am who I am today because of you and the love I have for you.
I am a very passionate woman with whom and what I love.
I hold nothing back and have no reservations….

You said you don’t know about the my loving you forever and always part, well my dear as you live you will be a witness to that and I want you to love me always too and never stop even when you can’t be with me physically and I’ll play my cards right to ensure that you do….🙂

I want to make it impossible for you not to love me and want me in your life no matter the purpose I serve.

I want to make my mark permanent on you so no matter where life takes you, you’ll find it hard leaving me behind and in the event that you should you won’t be contented for long, you’ll want to come back and you’ll find your way back to me🙂🙂 Sorry but you already know that I’m 100% woman, and I will do everything to ensure my place in your life and yours in mine:-)🙂

Even if you should end up with someone else in life I will make you miss me and you find it hard to be happy with them. I’m sure you can be happy but you will never truly be 100% happy and contented because you will feel my absence. I will love you as no man on this earth can. I’ll be so sweet to you and on you you’ll crave to be around me and miss me🙂🙂

You just don’t understand, these are things I take pleasure in(loving you and showing you that I do)

That’s the way I feel about you. Why do you think I wouldn’t even as much as to look at anyone else…. because I know my life would be empty and meaningless without you, there would be a void that no one else could fill and I’d spend all the days of my existence longing for you and as such I want no one taking up any more space in my life.

There is just no place in my life or heart for anyone else.
You’ve already filled those spaces and it’s always reserved for you and you alone.
You have made your mark on me and my heart 17 years ago and to you I belong forever and always.

I will love you to my last breath as it is the desire of my heart to do so🙂
When I think of the way in which I love you, and that you do want me to continue loving you, never giving up on you,it sends shock waves through my torso area🙂
It is truly pleasurable loving you. I get so much fulfillment out of loving you it would seriously be hard for you to understand🙂🙂

I am turned on by mere thoughts of loving you so why would I want to stop loving you  :-)
It’s because of things like these why I can tell you that I know I will love you forever and always.

My love for you have a way of indulging in it’s own pleasures of you and as such it takes me from one level to the next. It knows no bounds with no limitations. So there you have It🙂

You are everything to me and always will be.
Remember always that I’M LOVING YOU COMPLETELY FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

“YOU’RE MY LIFE”
LOVE ALWAYS.

-Jessie

Hollows

Depression does not equal sadness. For some people, maybe it does. For me, it very much does not. I think the stereotype that depressed people are laying in bed all day, weeping, is inaccurate. When i’m depressed there isn’t one tear to cry.

For me, depression equals hopelessness or, as my friend and I refer to it, the hollows.

Depression creeps up like autumn does in September. You feel the warm days giving way to chilly nights & start to fear the winter. You feel it in your soul.

Depression sneaks in slowly and then all at once. It’s a wave that crashes over you & steals the warmth from your bones.

Depression steals the sun from the sky.
Depression steals who you have known yourself to be.
Depression leaves you a shell of a person you can’t even remember being.

Love Letter

It started with a mistake in planning, human error, twist of fate. It was my first time in this new country, and the pick-up taxi never came.
I contacted work, letting them know no one showed up, but it was ok. I can take a taxi by myself.
“No, it’s 2 a.m. someone from the company will pick you up shortly, don’t worry”.
I took my luggage and sat down in the only available coffee shop, fighting sleep. I got a phone call, and then I heard your voice. Something about it made me instantaneously relax. Perhaps I heard home in your accent, or maybe it was the raspy sound of your sleepy voice.
“I’m sorry I woke you up didn’t I?” I asked, and you laughed.
“I’m coming, I’ll be there in five.”

And then I saw you. I looked up at you as you stood there, your big brown eyes smiling from behind your glasses, the ones I love (not the frame-less ones – please never wear them again).
You smiled, and I dismissed the bubbly feelings in my stomach, blaming it on hunger.
We shook hands, introduced ourselves, and you took my luggage – ever the gentleman – while asking me about my flight. You were chatty, wondering about my interest in this company, my college degree, my story.
“I’m asking way too much yea? Sorry”.
I smiled and said “ask again tomorrow, no worries”.
I looked back into the trunk of your car, and I saw tents, camping equipment, things I adore. And just as we started talking about our love for nature, our thirst to explore, I saw it. The ring on your right hand, and I swallowed.
The question died in my throat; it was ok, I can ask you tomorrow. You safely dropped me at the hotel, wishing me a goodnight, saying you would see me the next day.

Ten days.
Ten days of music, conversation, shared looks and contemplations. It was all harmless right?
You told me about your past, how some girl had broken your heart, how you decided to think rather than feel, how you met your fiancé, and what has brought you here.
You asked about mine, and as I talked you looked deep into my eyes, and I knew you understood. But you were engaged, and I wasn’t that person; you weren’t either.
Then there were slips. Too much alcohol; you held my hand.
Too much time spent together words were said.
“I wish I had met you at a different time” you whispered. I had never wanted anything more.

Six months later, six months of little conversation and bitterness and distance, you got married. I saw your pictures on social media, and I choked. You looked happy. I wanted to believe you were. I loved you, more than I had ever loved anyone.
Fate played its cards again; we met in that same country, your now wife still back home.
This didn’t stop being a love letter when you got married. This stopped being a love letter when you changed. And not in the normal, “I got married” way. I understand you are confused, I understand that “I was the first one who made you feel again”, but I don’t understand how you take me for granted. How you assume I have put my life on hold for something that will never happen.
You will never leave her – it wouldn’t be a rational decision, and you, you rational man (who has shown day in day out you were anything but), would never do that.

Twenty one days. Twenty one days of anger, bitterness, fights and sorrow. We kissed. We cried. We cuddled. We made mistakes. But then you look at me with your chocolate eyes and that smile you save for me, and I almost forget; that you never were mine and never will be. These twenty one days were enough to scar me; enough to help me start getting over you.
We used to be different, we used to be perfect. But this is not another time, and I’m done wasting mine.

This is not a love letter. This is a letter about the love I felt for you, the one I still feel.

Until we meet again,

-G