Love Letter

You held me when I cried, held me together – put me back together. I got your nice blue shirt all wet as a summer storm with a year’s worth of sadness. But, didn’t I just meet you in the yard full of crying people and her baby that asked, since she didn’t have a daddy or mommy any more, if you could be her daddy now? You swept her up and said, “Of course,” while you hugged and held her together, and you looked over her sobbing shoulder at me, sitting on the steps. And, suddenly it was like we’d always known each other, somehow. You say we have. I couldn’t remember. Everything immediate, happening and unhappening. Life so messy, it won’t compartmentalize. You so undaunted, always found something to talk to me about. And, I liked it so much. Even though I wasn’t supposed to…we had other lives we brought in with us with other people inside them, messy and won’t compartmentalize. But, was it any consequence? But, once they crossed, our paths kept entwining. You, so insistent. And, soon enough, I didn’t want you to leave me alone, ever…I wondered if the future would save you for me. I can never see that far. And, I wondered if it mattered.

There’s supposed to be a breathing space between lives…clean finish, start the next fresh. Good for everyone, so messy not minding their places. You kept getting up into mine, and I didn’t want it to end. And, they were foretelling the future, saying you wanted one with me. I can never see that far…and in trying invite hopes so high that fall so hard. So much happening and unhappening. For as long as I could stand, I held it back to make a space, imaginary and fleeting as a line in the sand. But you deserve a space, you who held me together when nobody else could. Do you even know what you did for me?

And, finally I let you in, not planned or neatly, but as messy and unplanned as when we met. I felt unlocked and set free to be swept up, put back together. But, I don’t know if the future saved you for me. I can never see that far…but I will watch until I can see you no more. One of us moving away from the happening unhappening. And, I wondered if it mattered. Who will hold me together now? Me, so messy and not minding my places…

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