Dear My Body,
I never thought our life would be like this. We had a pretty great childhood, a relaxed adolescence, found love early in life. We are void of any serious health conditions or personal tragedies. We’ve scored a solid job, have some great close friends and are working toward a healthy life ahead. We’ve had it pretty easy, pal. So why have we developed this weird generalized anxiety disorder? I want to understand how this all happened, but more importantly I want to understand how we can get it under control. I wanted to write you this letter to hopefully help you understand exactly what I am going through, I’m sorry, what we’re going through. Okay…
When I start to feel a little anxious my mind starts to focus on the sensations and spiral out of control. I obsess over them. When that happens I start to think that I am not a strong enough person, like I am not in control of my own thoughts or feelings. So, naturally I look for things to blame these sensations on. I know I shouldn’t but I Google my symptoms. This usually results in me becoming even more analytical of every bit of minutia I feel in my body. Googling leads me to so many ‘resources’ and personal accounts and I feel depressed looking at the people who post on message boards about their extreme anxiety – mostly because I don’t want to be like them.
I want to be better and stronger and I want to beat this, it cannot control my life. I want to be actually fully present for my friends and family. These thoughts and anxious feelings, and anticipation of some kind of attack of panic loom over me and it ends up making me feel detached from reality.
I want people to want me around and not be paranoid that they notice that I am acting a little “off”. I don’t want to be worried that I will need to leave some situation because I am dizzy or sweating or hot or nauseous. Don’t get me wrong, a little anxiety is good in life, and totally normal. I should be worried about some things, but anxiety about being anxious is a silly way to use my brain cells.
Another thing body, I don’t want to be dependent on taking drugs to calm myself down. I want a healthy body and a healthy mind, healthy relationships and a successful and positive life. I want to be a good person and help others when I can, being this obsessed with my personal anxiety seems so selfish!
I don’t want this anxiety to be the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want it to be the first thing I think of when my ears pop or my stomach gargles or my eyesight is strange or my hands are cold. I don’t want to be obsessed over it’ or worried about it in every situation I find myself in. I can be better than this. I need to be. This is no way to live.
What can we do to make this better? I need answers and solutions, quick. The only way to beat this is to be honest about our feelings. This is how I feel today. Also, please stop making my poops weird. Thanks, Body.