The wind has been blowing like Omaha’s wind lately and the stereo plays Cursive. The songs become better and more refined each time I hear them. I dream of horrible winters and tornados while living in some Midwestern apartment; I am alone and crying.
I want so deeply to be able assess social situations without being a martyr. I don’t want to be Lars, blinking and avoiding questions everyone needs me to answer. I don’t want to go through bottle after bottle and swell my throat up in order to avoid the inevitable: It is time to get your shit together, so do it you pussy! But I don’t learn my lesson; I blame everyone and everything else. Is it all the English classes? My mother? My ex-boyfriends? For someone who is so self-conscience and awkward, I sure am one narcissistic asshole.
Okay, take a break, a breath. Make a list, in a list, on top of another list and try to finish something. Try to get through one day without reaching that dank place. Graduate. Get enough sleep. Don’t do drugs. Get out of bed each morning. Talk to someone, anyone. Find some confidence. Save your money. Hope for something more than what you already want. Be grateful for what you already have. Give up the vices. Get some sleep.
I think it’ll be better in the morning. It usually is. If not, we always have the spring, right?