our secrets: 1.

all the secrets: each secret will be numbered & if you would like to comment on a specific secret that moves you,  you can address it by it’s number. we’ll do 10 secrets each week, until we run out. if you don’t see yours one week, it will be on the next. every secret will be posted. there are an infinite number of secrets in the world. we hope to never run out. let’s let these secrets empower us. we are not alone:

1.) Everybody expects me to hate my father for what he did to us, but really, I just miss him like crazy.
2.) I am madly in love with the one person in this world who treats me heartlessly, I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to move on.
3.) i equate sex to violence. i want to be torn apart. sex is animalistic. this doesn’t bother me, it empowers me. i was raped outside when i was nineteen.
4.) I don’t know who I hate more. The me on the drugs, or the me off the drugs.
5.) I am terrified that I will never get married… That nobody will ever love me and I will die alone.
6.) My partner, the person who I accidentally fell head over heals in love with, the person who made me believe that I am a beautiful person, the person who allowed me to tell him MY truth without ever judging, the person who never fails to encourage me to be me and do the things that make me happy and whole and true, has asked me to consider opening up our relationship to other partners.  I am terrified.  I am feeling alone and hurt and scared and small.  I want to allow him the freedom to explore what he needs to.  I believe that love is infinite.  I know that a parent can love more than one child, so intellectually I feel like I should know that he could love more than one person at a time as well.  But it hurts and I don’t know what to do.
7.)  I have never orgasmed.
8.)  I want to ruin myself. For many years this was my motivation behind my self-destructive behaviour. I truly believed that I deserved to be killed by my own hand, slowly and painfully. And eventhough I am better now and eventhough I came to realize that I am the most valuable thing I own, somewhere deep down in my chest the self-hatred that once consumed me still seethes. And to fight against it,to not give in, everyday, is the most painful thing I have ever done.
9.) I had a summer romance with a grown-up in my parents circle of acquaintances. I might see him again in a couple of weeks, and I don’t know how to act. It was nice, though. He was a good kisser.
10.) I am afraid. I am afraid that I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I am afraid that I will break down and I am afraid that it will be for nothing. I am afraid I am afraid that it will all be okay, and it doesn’t make any sense.

8 thoughts on “our secrets: 1.

  1. Secret 2. You are not alone in this and I fear that far too many people are in this situation. I know I should walk away and try to forget, but instead I pass up opportunities and people and jobs and beautiful chances just to be close to the one person who will never truly love me. Stay strong. We will all find our way to true love and happiness one day very, very soon.

  2. To number 6, if you aren’t comfortable with that, let him go and learn to love yourself the way you love him.

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