Fixing Us

I thought I was doing the right thing, you know. In a weird way, it felt like something I had to do. I had to cut myself off – for both of our sakes, because there was nothing more I could do for you. We played the same game, fought the same fights round after round and both of us seemed to lose every time. I couldn’t bear to watch us destroy ourselves anymore. I was done, played out. Confused, exhausted, angry, hurt and everything in-between.

I’d always assumed that we’d carry on the way we were forever, you know. We were Monica and Rachel, Blair and Serena. A team. We’d walked the same paths together, lived the same things, carried each other and stood side by side and hand in hand for most of our lives.

But we began to fade. Slowly at first, but then we spiralled deeper and deeper out of control and out of love.

Maybe it was your fault.

Maybe it was mine.

I’m sure we’d blame each other.

You spoke a different language that I was tired of having to translate. Somewhere in the labyrinth of your mind, I lost my way. You changed the route – the one I was always so sure of- and I was left alone. That’s when I decided that I couldn’t fix you, and that part of me didn’t want to.

In each other’s eyes we saw different things, and I wasn’t sure I liked my own reflection.

So I gave up: on you, on us. On everything we had and hadn’t yet become. It seemed easier that way, like ripping off a plaster in one go, to just get it over with. They do say a clean cut heals faster. But ours was far from clean.

We had everything, and yet nothing to say to each other. Always hidden behind screens, terrified by the bruises we might leave. I wanted you to hear me, but the words caught in my throat and left a bitter taste on my tongue. Like disappointment. Cutting myself off from you, I thought, would stop me from getting hurt, but those same cuts ran deeper and frustration spilled from them and stained my clothes.

For the first time in my life you made me vulnerable. I was scared of myself and the things I was thinking, the way I was feeling. But most of all, I resented you. Because you didn’t do the thing I thought you would. You didn’t act the way I wanted you to,

I pushed you away because I expected you not to let me. I wanted you to choose me, to choose us.

But you didn’t.

So I stopped trying, and tried to stop caring. My wires were exposed and your hands were made of knives. It was too risky for me to take another chance and I didn’t think you were worth it anymore. You weren’t the same person, but what I failed to realise is that neither was I.

Do you know what made me come back to you? You were just as surprised as I was to see me, so suddenly and out of the blue, holding a white flag in the midst of no mans land, carefully treading over the growing cracks in our relationship and trying to build a bridge.

I remembered New Years Day, waking up alone in the bed we were supposed to share because I thought you were going to throw up from all the vodka jelly and jager you promised my mother you wouldn’t have. How you read the message from the boy I’d told I loved him the night before because I couldn’t bear to do it. The sadness in your eyes when you said it’s lovely, but I don’t think it’s what you wanted to hear. You hugged me and we drank tea and chatted over hazy memories of laughter and buttered toast on my kitchen floor. I remembered that and thought, you were the person that was there for me in one of my weakest moments. When the illusion I’d created for myself came crashing down, it was you stood with the dustpan and brush offering to sweep me up. And it made me wonder why I could do the same for you just one more time.

I’m sorry I put you on pedestal and then punished you when you couldn’t reach.

I’m sorry that I expected too much of you and I’m sorry that I left you when you needed me the most.

When we’re young, everything is so clear cut, so definite. Good and bad. Right and wrong.

But as we grow older, that line merges. The sea of morality becomes murkier, dirtier, and we can no longer see our toes in the sand underneath. We become uprooted, unstable, swept away by a tidal wave of emotion. Because we’re human. We make mistakes. It’s what we do best.

We were a tropical storm, you and I. But we passed.

I promise you that, slowly, I’ll try and fix us, but only if you promise to let me.

-Amy Beecham
To read more of Amy’s writing, visit her blog The Girl and the Words.

There Is Nothing That Doesn’t Touch Us

Light refracted and infused with life. Intricate colors pour out onto the canvas of my sleeve-worn heart. There is nothing that doesn’t touch me. Things that seemingly have nothing to do with me grab at my soul and demand my attention. I am the man who just lost his wife. I am the girl who cries because the guy she loves doesn’t love her back. I am the giver and the taker alike. There is nothing that doesn’t touch me. I am found in the quiet solitude of a just-ended summer rain. I am found in the noisy roar of a city that’s wide awake. Every time someone dies, I lose. Every time someone is born, I rejoice. There is nothing that doesn’t touch me. I am woven into the fabric of every life that has come and gone and yet to be. You and I…we’re the same person. There is nothing that doesn’t touch us.

Lee Brown

Love Letter

Chilling under the stars
Picnics under the Morula tree
Road trips with no maps
Pure hugs
Solid love

Hand-picked wild flowers
Mud races (hahahaaa)
Walks to the park
Jogs home
Running into each other’s arms
Held hands

Text messages
Random calls
Little notes
Mailed letters

Movie marathons
No make-up, track pants on days
Make-up, home cooked dinner dates
Passing out moments on the sofa

Honesty in the toughest times
Deepest secrets told
Laughter shared
Pain unveiled
Wounds healed

Trust earned
Life lived
Memories made
Moments shared
With the world at our feet
And you beside me

Missed mirror dates
Untamed diary entries
Reluctant talks about it all

I love you.

-Caroline Boitumelo

Love Letter

I remember the first day I see you. You were the only person I saw in the crowded place. The sparkle in your eyes was equivalent to a million stars. Then we met. I was taken back by your smile & the words you spoke. If I could I would take that smile and inject it directly into my blood stream. Maybe it takes time for people to fall in love but with you it was inevitable for me. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I guess the irony about this situation is that we were only ever friends, sometimes maybe more. We look at each other like we’re about to kiss. And those lips seemed too good to be true. How you kissed me at that night. I miss the way we sleep. Like there’s no sunrise. Like the taste of your smile. I miss the way we breathe. You receive your collage confirmation when we’re together. You were going 6905.87 miles away from me. I just remember holding your hand realizing how much it was going to hurt when I would have to let it go. You are a drug I’ve become addicted to and it hurts that I can’t be with you. The only thing that satiates the craving is your laugh, your smile and your words. I want to scratch at my skin when you’re not around. I’m coming down from high, that’s exactly what it feels like. Not being allowed to touch you is complete torture. It’s funny how I through I was good at hiding my feelings, but then strangers started asking me why I looked so tired and that’s when I realized you didn’t care enough to notice. A lot of me was lost in you. And now the dreams about you make me want to stay asleep forever. You said “keep me in your dreams until you see me.” I keep you every night. Because you’re mine in nights. At night I always imagine you laying here with me, with your arms around me and your body pressed up against me, it helps me sleep. You said, “You’re beautiful.” I looked up at you like you’re the world and you just think I’m beautiful. Miles away. I really can’t believe I’m here and how I still care about you. And every day I think of all the words I never said. I don’t care if I drown in all the feelings I have for you because I swear you’re made flowers grow in my lungs although they are beautiful I can’t breathe without you here anyway. You said you’ve been to the shadows I hope one day we’ll go beyond that. And now we don’t even talking. I though you would miss me like you used to. But in the end I’m the one who is missing you more than ever. You’re not here. It’s hard to look at other faces when I only want to see yours. I never told you but I fell in love with you like the stars fell in love with the sky, without you I’m empty and bare. I love you too much to let you think I can live without you. And if I don’t meet you no more in this world, then I’ll meet you in the next one. Don’t be late A…

-Ceren Toprak

Love Letter

My dear friend,

Thank you very much for accepting me as your friend. I can’t find words to tell you about my gratefulness. May our friendship grow day by day more and more. I have not met you before but, you are in my heart forever. Please reply me with an email and I am expecting too..

Thanking you.
Always with Love.

-Krishna Hegde

Love Letter

You held me when I cried, held me together – put me back together. I got your nice blue shirt all wet as a summer storm with a year’s worth of sadness. But, didn’t I just meet you in the yard full of crying people and her baby that asked, since she didn’t have a daddy or mommy any more, if you could be her daddy now? You swept her up and said, “Of course,” while you hugged and held her together, and you looked over her sobbing shoulder at me, sitting on the steps. And, suddenly it was like we’d always known each other, somehow. You say we have. I couldn’t remember. Everything immediate, happening and unhappening. Life so messy, it won’t compartmentalize. You so undaunted, always found something to talk to me about. And, I liked it so much. Even though I wasn’t supposed to…we had other lives we brought in with us with other people inside them, messy and won’t compartmentalize. But, was it any consequence? But, once they crossed, our paths kept entwining. You, so insistent. And, soon enough, I didn’t want you to leave me alone, ever…I wondered if the future would save you for me. I can never see that far. And, I wondered if it mattered.

There’s supposed to be a breathing space between lives…clean finish, start the next fresh. Good for everyone, so messy not minding their places. You kept getting up into mine, and I didn’t want it to end. And, they were foretelling the future, saying you wanted one with me. I can never see that far…and in trying invite hopes so high that fall so hard. So much happening and unhappening. For as long as I could stand, I held it back to make a space, imaginary and fleeting as a line in the sand. But you deserve a space, you who held me together when nobody else could. Do you even know what you did for me?

And, finally I let you in, not planned or neatly, but as messy and unplanned as when we met. I felt unlocked and set free to be swept up, put back together. But, I don’t know if the future saved you for me. I can never see that far…but I will watch until I can see you no more. One of us moving away from the happening unhappening. And, I wondered if it mattered. Who will hold me together now? Me, so messy and not minding my places…

Love Letter

Dear S,

In my 25 years of existence, I never imagined myself falling in love with you..maybe this letter can’t explain how much I love you, teds, loving you is the most beautiful thing that happened to me, I love the way you make me smile in your very silly moments, the way you care for me, i love the way you love your family, and your creative ideas, your cooking and photography skills.
I love the way you make me smile,How I wish I could turn back time.. when the time that you’re in love with me.. how I wish that you could love me the way that I love you now.. how i wish that you could just let me love you the way you deserve to be love.. how I wish that all my wishes will be come true someday.. but, I know that’s impossible.. you asked me once who is my “best I ever had”.. it was you and it is still you…I want you in my life not as my best friends, but as my partner in life.. should I wait for you? or should I just let you go.. should I give it a fight? Or just accept the fact that we’re not really meant for each other? I have a lot of things that I wanted to tell you but I know that when I do it again, our friendship will be ruin and I don’t want to risk it again.. as I write this letter right now, repeatedly listening a Christina Peri song with a title of “Arms” … I hope that you will see right through my walls, I hope that you’ll catch me cause I’m already falling.. I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth.. I love you a lot and it hurts me big time, knowing that we can never be anything more than a best friend..