moment to moment.

i lost it again that moment i meant to capture tried to focus but my eyes were closed the blink of an eye, like a whisper in that instant, things changed the light shifted, or someone sneezed the earth rotated a fraction then it was off i thought i could write about but none of the words i’d ever heard came close to describing how it looked, felt, smelled, tasted. i tried to make some up but i’m not good with inventions i felt the surge of language right to my fingers ready to commit a crime of memory to betray the sins of my observation and sentence me to read them over and over and yet those letters, they stopped short no matter how i arranged them, they weren’t quite right didn’t speak for me, only for my idea of me and then i thought i could say it speak it aloud to myself work out the kinks and the clumsy metaphors but all the beautiful scripts in my mind became garbled and foreign on my tongue no longer helping me to recount and rehearse but exposing my penchant for overthinking that which ought to be a reflex the feelings come easily too easily, sometimes they cripple me with their colors of love the energy of their existence the pain of their despair becomes my own but to try to hold on to them they become spiderwebs, snapped back to the edge, where they attach to something solid never to be reconnected in their perfect, natural arrangement in searching for them, they never come when i’m not looking, they caress my skin but to gather and adore them to keep and analyze them to hide and deny them destroys the very point of their genesis. and i am left alone again, either better or worse, for having crossed paths with them meaning to capture those moments, but forever unable to do so then needing to, all the more.

mirror, mirror.

JUST IMAGINE LIVING IN A WORLD WITHOUT MIRRORS. YOU’D DREAM ABOUT YOUR FACE AND IMAGINE IT AS AN OUTER REFLECTION OF WHAT IS INSIDE YOU. AND THEN, WHEN YOU REACHED FORTY, SOMEONE PUT A MIRROR BEFORE YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE. IMAGINE YOUR FRIGHT! YOU’D SEE THE FACE OF A STRANGER. AND YOU’D KNOW QUITE CLEARLY WHAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO GRASP: YOUR FACE IS NOT YOU.
milan kundera.

not anymore.

Here is my hand, my heart,
my throat, my wrist. Here are the illuminated
cities at the center of me, and here is the center
of me, which is a lake, which is a well that we
can drink from, but I can’t go through with it.
I just don’t want to die anymore.
Richard Siken

new cities.

break routine. find the little things that you do love. make a list of the the things you hate about the city. then write out their opposite (things you would love!). go on adventures, day by day to find the places in your city where those good things do exist. hopefully this can help you see that it’s not all bad, and there is good everywhere. build a fort and spend the day inside. get comfy because you’ll spend the day: drinking wine from the bottle. painting your face. snuggling up with your favorite, favorite book. what’s your favorite cuisine? find somewhere you’ve never been that serves this type of food and take yourself on a fancy date for an amazing meal. partner optional. remind yourself that nothing is permanent. when i’m in a tough situation, i ask myself “can i do this for a week?” to which i reply “fuck yeah. i can do anything for a week.” stick it out week by week, and if it gets too much to bear, then you’re allowed to do what it takes to make it better (i’m assuming you won’t want to leave your program, but maybe it would mean leaving?) actively ask yourself, “what would make things better right now?” (within the confines of what you can reasonably provide for yourself) and make that happen! paint your room. change your sheets. cut your hair. get a new piercing. remember that you love yourself, always.

ASK YAR.  TALK TO YAR.

i love you.

i love you. i love everything that you do. i love everything that’s you, i love you. i love you what you do to purple & blue. you flatter everything that’s good, i love you. petals stay on the flowers throughout the hours. hot is hot & cold is cold. god bless you. god bless everything that you do. god bless everything that’s you. god bless you. petals stay on the flowers throughout the hours. hot is hot & cold is cold. thank you for you for living you. thank you for everything that you do. thank you for everything that’s you. thank you for living you. thank you for living you.
roky ericson.